reunited adoptees-biology or upbringing?

Hi Rachael,

Yours is not rare. I've heard of many cases of reunited adoptees and natural families who are very much alike. My own case was similar to yours. I'm very much like my natural mom in so many ways. That is one of the fun things after reunion is discovering all the things you have in common with each other. Not just physical traits. There's personality, mannerisms, preferences, outlooks on life, and all those other intangible things. Non-adopted people take all the family traits for granted because they have grown up with them. It's a huge deal for those who have been deprived of that all of their lives.

There is some variation that can be expected in any families. For instance, of my two natural sisters, I'm far more like the one I was raised with, although physically I resemble the other one more. The other one is different from us, as could be expected with siblings who were raised together, they are not always alike either. Does that mean I regret finding her? No way. I'm thankful for finding everybody and would never trade that away no matter what they were like.

Thanks for asking. Hope you and Lori A. are still discovering new family similarities. Happy New Year.

julie j

reunited adoptee

Oh honey, that is not rare AT ALL!!!!! When I first spoke to my birth mother, I thought that someone was playing a joke and so did she b/c the similarities were unbelievable!!!!! I have a lot of traits from my a-parents too, don't get me wrong. But it was just crazy to have so much in common with my birth mother, a complete stranger to me! Let me give you a list:

-our voices are the same. Its like having a conversation with myself

-when I was adopted, I already had a first name given to me by a previous adoption, but not a middle name and my a-parents gave that to me. Well I be darned! Same middle name as my birth mother. They never met her or knew her name prior to my search

-her birth day is the same as my son's

-we are in the same line work. I do hair as a hobby and wanted to go to school for it but changed my mind and went in the other end of cosmetology (make up, esthetics, waxing, etc....)

-our attitudes are VERY similar

-we look like sisters, that was weird the first time we were together and someone stopped us to ask if we were

I could go on for days! All growing up, I always favored my a-mother and my other adopted siblings looked like my a-mother and a-father. So to have that all changed was interesting to say the least. Its nice to hear about other adoptees with similar experiences.

When I first reunited with my bmom, I looked for similarities. I wanted them. I needed them. There are some: love of books, weirdly similar views on religion. But that was it. It was disappointing. I knew I wasn't like my afam, and then I wasn't so much like my bmom.

Forward to a couple of months ago. I had contact with my bdad, buncle, and bgrand. Turns out I AM like that side of my family. It's been strangely validating to know that a large part of who I am is biological. That despite my upbringing, some of my best traits are inherited.

I grew up with my natural mother & an adoptive father. I was told my entire life how much I was like my mother - physically, emotionally, mentally etc. I believed I was simply a carbon copy of my mother.

Then I met my natural father! WOW! There is SO MUCH of him in me!! It was so exciting for me to put the pieces of the jigsaw together & know where the little bits that weren't like my mother had come from. SO much of my personality is just like his.

Strangely enough the weirdest thing was that he had had another son (I have one full blood brother) who was SO identical to my brother in both physical appearance & mannerisms. It was so uncanny as our mother left our father when my brother was 6 months old so all similarities were purely genetic, not learned behaviour!

I see ways that I am very much like my adoptive family. They raised me, so of course some of their habits and attitudes have rubbed off on me. I also see ways that I am like my birth family. We share the same genes, so some of my traits are genetic. The way I see it, I come from two families: my birth family and my adoptive family.

my first mother and I are very much alike in some ways. And other ways, you can tell I wasn't raised with her. We have the same laugh, same smile, we're very much "givers" we're each very sensitive, we have the same color, like the same favorite foods....when people see us together, they say you can't tell we were ever apart because we are SO alike in so many different ways. We share....amazing similarities.

but I'm also like my amom, I love to sit and teach my children new things, I like to travel, I am not a republican, I speak english, i have "white ways" because I was "raised" by her.

If i would have been raised by my mother I would speak spanish and hawaiian fluently, I would have known my culture, so although her and I are so much alike because we're connected by blood, i lost the familiarity of growing up with her, that all of my cousins have and .... i grieve that loss everyday.

Nearly every quality, trait, and taste/preference is from my natural mother or father.

Tastes in food, furniture, interest in travel, reading, and art, weird things like handwriting and the same favorite color are like my mother.

Just like Isabel said, the less attractive qualities are also inherited. And I have migraines like my mother, and we experience them in the same way.

The only thing I have from my environmental/adoptive home is my deep fear of poverty, because I grew up with little money, and my afather's parents would have been homeless, if not for him supporting them. That's a trip that's hard to shake.

I am very much like my firstmom. In almost every way. Unfortunately that also means we share many of the same flaws. Or at least, I considered them flaws since they are things my adoptive parents scolded me for regularly.

My firstmom is very much a free spirit, she is very gregarious and fun loving. She speaks her mind ALWAYS. And she's fearless.

My aparents are much more conservative. I was always embarrassing them as a kid.

It has been difficult for me to reconcile the fact that my firstmom possesses many traits that my parents scorned in me and yet, she is a normal functioning member of society. Does that make sense?

I spent our first visit thinking to myself, "Why does she get to be that way?" Because I had to be different.

I've become much more accepting in the last year. Meeting her has helped me to resolve some of my own personal self esteem issues. They say that the things we dislike in others are usually the things we dislike in ourselves. It couldn't be more true in my case.

My sister came for a visit and just kept saying, "You are so much like my (our) mom, it's scary."

And it really is.

I have to admit I wasn't expecting a whole lot of similarities. But, I was so wrong! Oh, my goodness. I am so much like my nfamily in terms of likes, dislikes, mannerisms, interests, abilities, talents, views and on and on. My husband says it's scary how much my ndad and I are alike. My maternal ngrandfather says talking with me over the phone is like talking with my nmom (who passed away before we could reunite.) I don't mean that our voices are the same. He said it's my phraseology and my vocal patterns that are just like her. My nfather says the same about that one.

I don't have much in common with my afamily in these ways. It's just not who I am. They'll most definitely concur with that, and do. Sometimes you get adopted by people who are more similar to your core makeup and sometimes not. Of course, your core is affected by your environment, but the core of who you are, in your dna, isn't changed. It's just affected.

I recon it's 70% biological and the rest how you are raised. I haven't met my birth mother, but I have the exact same personality as my grand father, even down to our styles of living, favourite foods and animals etc. Certain things, like my manners and my behaviour towards other was shaped a little by my adoptive parents. I remember meeting my birth aunt, and it was like looking in a mirror, it was quite weird!