In 17 years of marriage, my wife had initiated sex like 3 times and the rest is me.?

I bring you good news, so relax...your wife wants sex too, really and truly, its just that by and large women are submissive creatures and do not like to have to initiate sex...this is rather a burded for submissive women. Want more sex, than know this...what happens outside the bedroom causes what happens inside the bedroom.If nothing is happening outside the bedroom, why would it happen inside the bedroom? Un like men, women are turned on by different things....like details in communication, cuddles, snuggles. Women love an arm around them and not in a playful or hoarsing around way. One way to score points outside the bedroom is by buying her little thoughtful gifts...and they don't have to be expensive. A cd of her favorite music even if you hate the stuff....if she is a coffee drinker, buy her white coffee mugs with hearts on them, or i love you on it. Some girls like stuffed animals.....................................All girls like to know they are special or attractive and wanted......so you will have to learn to change your requests for sex to explanations like....I wanted you the day I met you and i still want you...................I have always found you irresistable of course I want to be with you. You want to do or say these things casually, relaxed and days in advance before actually trying to sack her....to establish an atmosphere outside the bedroom. Your wife may need other things rather than just the physical part of sex, like emmotional things. Girls that are well past there 20s have a tendency to be able to shut off there feelings...this is bad for you. Emmotional striking things are candles in a scent she loves and a good number of them lit all at once and put a chick flic on tv like Sweet Home Alabama. Ask very serious minded questions about what she likes about sex, and don't expect her to really answer because submissive girls have a hard time giving answers, so when she is all stunned and flabber ghasted interrupt her uh's and um's and say to her that you always have wanted to try sex in odd places( even if you don't really) and watch her face and her reactions. Ask her, how about I just show you how musclular I really am and shove you down on the bed...? What you want is to stir some emmotional response, even if its laughter or a shocked, "No way dude!" The next time she consents to sex and you actuqally are going to knock off a chunk.............oh no, you want to take your dear sweet time like this is a walk in the park for you, and I want you to add in verbal play telling her that you are glad she agreed to sex but that's not all you want, you need a makeout session. Make sure that you put her pleasure first and that she climaxes long before you ever get to intercourse. Offer snuggles but with a grasp that is firm . Your wife may need to be man handled, which may mean that you will have to break away from tradition, and lots of men find this risky...but what is the worst that can happen...she will say no...well she already does that...so asking questions or sneaking in a new trick isn't going to earn you loss any more than you are already experiencing. I would like you to go buy a used book, because they are cheeper...by Christine Feehan, try the Dark Cold.......this will give you a rough idea of a womans perspective of being man handled....versus what men think a woman wants. Christine wrote her books....a series of them called the dark series.....aimed right at the female audience....and guess what she wins, and she is sitting pretty because women buy this crap and eat it up....I do myself, and I know better, but again it flips on the emmotions. While men are not callous nor without emmotion....for a man emmotion is not life itself....for a woman life is emmotion and emmotion is life. I also want you to read a book about communicating with women, because communication is a serious biggy for girls. I guarentee you, that when you talk with your wife and you two communicate, its one thing...but sit her in a room full of girls and you'd be shocked at what your little docile dove has to say to the girls. Girls open up to others girls well because we are all girls and we already know what we want to hear as well as what the other girls in the room want to hear because we are masters at girl talk.....since you are a man, you are left out and Iam sure that in your 17 years of marriage that your wife has spoke to you in words that seem in code a time or two at least. Learn to be in on that code. Try to establish what sensor your wife functions from....Is she a visual type...cares alot about her looks, dresses sharp and tries to dress you sharp, always keeps her life neat as a pin......................Is she a feelings type and if she is thus she would percieve life through her feelings. These people are save the trees and adopt every stray animal and cry over sad movies types. Feelings people are emmotional, dramatic and sensitive......................Is she auditory? These are the people that percieve life through what they hear, and how they hear it......often seen as music junkies, always talking on the phone and hold jobs that require lots of interaction and but of course talking. Knowing a persons personality, helps you know how to approach that person. A good example of what Iam saying is this...... If you saw me in public and said to yourself, I like that girl and Iam going to win her over, but you insisted on ignoring the obvious clues that Iam an auditory girl and tried to approach me with your fancy brand name labels and expensive doc martins....well Id never pay you the time of day. A visual girl would be really impressed with you though. A statement would catch my attention, but since Iam older, I like profound statements. A winning moves guy would know from watching me and observation, that a good sucker punch, would be to take me to a Metallica concert....for that I may worship him...........see what Iam saying?

This is one of the most common and most distressing of marital problems... the disparity of desire/frequency between mates. Sometimes it is the husband that wants more; sometimes the wife that wants more. Each situation has different likely answers. No man or woman always follow the classic stereotypical desires/motivations but generally speaking women seem to see sex as the culmination of the bonding of the entire relationship. Generally, if a woman feels detached from her spouse (don't spend much time together; don't share household/child raising duties; don't talk about their workdays; don't feel listened to: doesn't feel that she is in your thoughts during the day while you are apart etc) then she probably won't be too eager to "jump in the sack". With men it seems that the need for sex is almost like hunger for food and that one doesn't need to "have a relationship with the chef" to be ready for meals. But , it seems with MOST women, sexual desire seems to be a good barometer of how she feels the ENTIRE relationship is fairing. Generally if you want a responsive wife at night, you better be attentive to her during the rest of the 23 hours of the day.

If you don't want to initiate sex anymore, then stop, just don't do it anymore.

If having sex is the bottom line and you don't mind starting it up every time, then keep on doing what you're doing.

Bottom line, don't do anything that you don't want to do, now if you decide you don't want to initiate anymore, recognize that doesn't mean she will start doing that all of a sudden, and that 2 times a month stuff can start spreading to once a month.

Just ask yourself what it is exactly what you want, then go get it.

First off, quit keeping a score card! Making love starts LONG before intercourse happens. Being a sweet and caring partner, thoughtful, affectionate gestures. Ease into it, man. Depending on her age, it may be a hormonal thing as well. Encourage her to have some blood tests done and support her in this. The lack of sex drive is a symptom of something more.

Yeah buddy... I know exactly what you have to go through. If I don't pursue it, that's exactly what I get: 2x a month. Marriage is great though. She does realize that I need more frequency so she shows some effort and "takes care" of me sometimes. I had to lovingly point out that I was unsatisfied with it and slowly we talked more and more about it, she asked me for some things as well and we keep working on it. It is not easy but it's actually a joy.

Hope it goes well for you.

Man that sound just like my marriage. She says she loves me and also knows I am horny, but that not initiate any sex on her part and if I try, I get sorry not tonight.

If you love your wife as much as I love mine, just wait and see what happen, cause sex is not the only reason two people marry.

You can try get natural libido minerals/vitamins for her if she will take them. Also get her to take a metals in her system test done. This can also trigger slow sex response.

Also not mention her age, could be start of menopause if she led a heavy sex life.

maybe you aren't giving her the chance to initiate it. I've been married 18 years and for having five kids, we still have a great sex life. Much like your situation, I never get to initiate it because the minute I get into bed, he's all over me. And if that isn't the case, I'm sorry, maybe try some romance, tease her a little, make her want it.

You need to find a quiet moment and private place and sit down with her and discuss your needs calmly and sincerely. Ask her to tell you precisely why she isn't more cooperative and outgoing. Remind her how important it is to you and tell her bluntly that this is ruining your marriage and ask her if she feels the marriage is worth salvaging. And be prepared for a very painful answer. If, however, she agrees the marriage matters, then tell her it's counseling or you're outa there.

Well, how often are you initiating? Every day, once a week, once a month?

It's kind of like that saying "How can I miss you if you never go away?" If you are initiating sex every day, then you aren't giving her an opportunity to initiate.

I suggest marriage counseling. There could be something in her past that makes her feel sex is bad or dirty or there could be something that is preventing her from feeling close to you.

Have you thought about counseling? Or sitting down and asking her what she would like?