Big problem in my marriage...any advice?

Compromise. Obviously. My husband is the same way. It takes him forever to pack because he folds his stuff military style (even though he was never military). The REASON he packs a week in advance is because he stresses that he'll forget something important. The whole week leading up to the trip, he goes over the items in his suitcase in his head and double checks stuff. Sure enough,three days before we leave. he can't find the video camera... so he goes tearing through the house, freaking out. Eventually, after watching him freak for a bit (I gotta get my entertainment somewhere), I ask him what he's looking for. Then tell him that I already stuck it in his bag. He KNOWS that I anticipate his freak-outs, but he still freaks rather than simply ask me. Men!

He wants me to pack early too. Well, screw that. I like to pack slowly. I also like my clothes to be fresh from the dryer before we leave. So, what do I do? I get out my suitcase and set it next to his. I actually have a pre-made stack of old clothes I use for this purpose. One stack is pants/jeans. The other stack is shirts/sweaters. I just drop the stack in the case so it looks packed. I crack myself up! If he asks about shoes, I say I won't pack those yet because I am still wearing them... If he freaks and whines, I stick a pair of tennis shoes and flip flops in the bag. He's never caught on. I've set it up so I can pander to his neurotic tendencies without changing my own routine.

In all honestly, it IS smarter to pack ahead. My husband has all sorts of quirks. It's not a big deal to avoid doing the things that that make him crazy. Some of those things are:

Cups left out when finished with them

Dishes in the sink (and not in dishwasher)

Couch pillows off center

Lights on in rooms no one is using

If I see a cup out, I go put it in the dishwasher. If I see pillows off center, I straighten them. I also turn off lights.... Now, in my own rebellious way, I do these things in such a way as to tweak him a little. If he goes to the bathroom, I put his half-full cup in the dishwasher... "Oh, I'm sorry baby, I thought you were done. You DID leave it there." I walk by and stick my hand in a room and flick off the lights when I know he's in that room. "Woops, sorry baby, I didn't know you were in there! Just trying to conserve energy!" If I'm bored, I might tilt a picture frame on the wall just to watch him curse about it, then blame the house settling... then suggest he get out his tools and level the picture. That keeps him busy for a good 20 minutes.

ALL people have their own little quirks. The question is, can you live with them? Can you compromise? For your specific question, can you at least START packing some stuff early? My husband (the neurotic wonder) also likes discussions about plans. So we discuss details and stuff. Personally, I find this tedious and unnecessary... but it makes him happy to have a solid plan, so I suffer through it.

Angry people never get satisfied.

"but there are many things like this in our marriage and it seems to be a huge issue to him.."

If you do what he wants, what will be next?? So as far as I can understand is not you. Do what he wants with the clean and packing, still he will have lots of other things that make him angry..The inner reasons are with him... I`m a last minute person also...that`s never been a good reason to get angry, my husband knows it and he`s ok with that..but he laughs and enjoys life, he has more motives to be happy than angry or unsatisfied---I`m sure your husband too but it`s his choice,,,that`s a problem that comes from inside out..

Sorry but I agree with your husband. Last minute decisions can be hectic and ruin a vacation or trip. I like to know that I am leaving the house in order and that way I can relax and not worry about whats going on back home. I also don't like to get somewhere and find out I forgot items. Sometimes I take pen and paper and write things down when I am setting watching TV. . You need to get organized for your own good. If you both can't agree to do this together, then let him do his packing and you do your own. Then if you get there and your missing a few items, too bad! If you spend the whole vacation worrying if you turned the iron off or unplugged the coffee pot, too bad.

"There are many things like this in our marriage and it seems to be a huge issue to him..."

That sentence says it all: It's all about his needs, his wants, his anxiety problems - and he is trying to displace his inability to cope with problems onto you. It is you who is the one who is supposed to do all the changing to make HIM feel better.

It sounds like you must do all of the compromising, bending always to his wishes. I see that he packs for himself - and you pack for... everyone else? So, when he's ready, everyone should be ready? Very, very self-absorbed thinking. He is behaving like a spoiled child that has been caved into a few too many times... and gets his way through issuing ultimatums and pitching temper tantrums. Don't let his rage-displays be the motivator in changing your behaviour. You are a couple; it's NOT all about HIM.

And no: you shouldn't have to rearrange everything you do normally just so that HE won't be angry and upset. That is emotional blackmail on his part. It doesn't seem to upset him that his outbursts upset YOU, does it? That's because he is trying to manipulate you with anger...

As long as nothing is left behind, and everything gets done that needs to be done prior to leaving, and has always been that way for you in your previous travels with him, there is no problem. I'd let him know that it is his threats and anger issues that are creating problems with your feelings for him. That they are his issues, and they are not going to become yours.

Compromise is a two-way street. If he only travels via one-way roads, and won't consider your position, then help him pack one last time...

The key is compromise. I don't see what the big deal is about packing and cleaning a few days early. I understand that you are a last minute kind of person, but at the same time you aren't doing anything to help the situation. Yet you feel that you are allowed to complain about it. You can't complain if you don't want to help change it. You already know that if you wait until the last minute you are going to anger him, so why not spare yourself and him the anguish and do it early? I just don't understand where you are coming from.

Would it be that big of a deal to do what he asks so he does not stress out?

I mean , if you know he skitzes out over this stuff you and you won't modify your behavior to head it off, what does that say about your ability to give a little?

Do you suppose that he has not rearranged everything to accommodate you?

I would wager that what ends up escalating into anger is not about the issue and more about your attitude.

If he has made reasonable requests for you to do something which you

refuse to do for whatever reason, after a while the only way to get through to you is anger.

Even now that does not seem to work as you are here asking what's up with him. You have been send the message loud and clear that his requests do not mean a thing if it inconveniences you.

He will come to believe in time that the only way you will do anything for him is if he gets angry.

This is a very dangerous precedent.

So I go back to my original question for you.

Would it be that big a deal for you to do what he asks to head off the anger?

It sounds very selfish and inconsiderate to continue like this.

I am going to give you one little tidbit here which came from marriage counseling.

In men, hurt and anger are very closely related.

Let that sink in a little.

In men hurt and anger are very closely related.

When you blow off his reasonable request as insignificant you may very well be hurting him by sending the message that his requests mean little to you. This can easily be interprted that he means very little to you. Actions speak louder than words.

That can exhibit itself as anger over "little things".

It is not the issue which is that important.

It is your lack of willingness to do the little things he requests.

BTW, packing is something which must do anyway.

He is a control freak and you are more of a laid back let things come as they may kind of person. The problem is him, not you. You can tell him to relax, and to stop being upset till the cows come home but he isn't going to listen, because he is a control freak. The best thing you can do is nothing. You can't control his behavior, just as he can't control yours. So unless you are willing to change yours in order to make him happy there is nothing to be done. My mom is a control freak and it's impossible to convince her that there is any other way to do things besides her way. So I ignore her and continue to do things my way, the big difference is I don't have to live with my mom on a daily basis. Just tell him, "honey, your way isn't the only way" try not to fight about it.

The fact he gets so angry is a huge issue to you, and yet he doesn't care about that. Susan's right. Help him pack. For the last time.

As long as the items are packed and house clean on leave day I don't see the problem and if he does have a problem with it..tell him to pack up and clean house Case closed!!

i did this with my ex also. But really it wasnt about the bags it was more build up resentment. Could it be other things and this is just an excuse to get upset.