I'm Confused as to myself?

Find a practice community. Get some feedback. Learn from others' experiences. People have been exploring these things for a long, long time, in depth and detail. Some teachers and groups are silly and worse than silly, but many are very well grounded and have a lot of soberly useful information.

I'm personally most well acquainted with Vipassana and Zen Buddhist groups. Good stuff.

You as the rest of us will never be complete. You must continue to search the truth until you have many truths. Someday if you are open-minded enough I will tell you about the truth of today's society and the United States. My Catholic teacher once changed my life by saying this (I have restated it differently)

"It whether you are Muslim, Christian, Hindu, or any other religion, as long as you are good in life according to human morals you will recieve a sort of afterlife whether it be heaven or some other form, do you honestly think according to the Christian beliefs that God would punish you for doing something just, of course not"

As you said you are doing meditation. My suggestion is not to look for results from something you have done, because that holds you back from attaining and benefiting from something. Control is attachment as it is a fixation. If you desire control over your emotions to attain certain level of awareness then you will really be at lost. Control is form and form is emptiness as it is nothingness. Emptiness is form but non-controlling thereby it is not Nothingness.

Do you do good because you believe it is good or do you expect something good in return? Do you do good so that other people can say you are great, or do you do great good things because you are in awareness and in consciousness mindful that it is good?

If you are fixated on searching what is true and what is good in all things and thoughts, it will hit you on the head and you wouldn't notice it. Because fixation restrict the flow of what is Absolute Truth into your being. Let the River flow naturally, and uncontrolling by forgetting the river but take a mental note of what water can do.

What is You and who You are are synonymous to being fixated of the idea of "Self" in the Absolute where "Self" do not exist...because the Universal Force or the Absolute is "Non-Self". Because what you call "self" is non-permanent, transitory, it decays, it is eaten away...but the force that is within you is a "Non-Self" that is one and the same Universal Force that is omniscient and omnipresent.

So when one spends time searching for himself, chances are he won't find his true self and will one day wander again in misery and confusion. Because "Self" is control, limiting and hindering as it is partial in all things and thought. But when one gives up the idea of self and be selfless and do altruistic acts...he finds joy beyond words. If one can rely on the duality of Emptiness and find sense it can take down all barriers, all confusion, and let you see a mirror image of yourself.

Learn more about Emptiness. Do not give up. You are doing fine.

Seek nothing but just to be open without resistence to any phenomenas that arises as the truth is already there since the beginingless of existence and time. It is our causes and conditions/traditions/habitual tendencies to look for something else that is chalenging/impermanence that prevent us realising the unborn/undying/eternity and beyond all/mind/universe. Ultimate reality is neither inside nor outside but it is here in the now which is undescribable by words. Meditation/mindfulness practice in whatever you do is the key regardless of your religion, culture, race etc to understand the meaning of life which is meditation itself. Meditation is about knowing/to live and letting go of all/to die in every moment of life and the continuation of this process till one never forget the meaning of life which is meditation itself. Find out more on the method based on your religion, culture/suitability but it is always the present moment in the nowness and nowhere else. The knowing is without prejudice/thinking/labelling but just bare knowing and the wisdom/understanding will flowering itself without time like lightning strike but of course we have to sow the seed in order to reap the flower/fruit(causes and condition/effect) through the practice. Use all the negativities that we encounter as a gauge/reflections and use their energy to further our practice by fighting the other negativities within till we realise there is neither within and without . All the best.

If you listen to me and follow this path, then you will find the truth and this truth will set you Free.

The Bible makes is very clear that everyone born on this earth has been born with 12 types of sin, “What comes out of a man, that defiles a man. For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lewdness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within and defile a man.” (Mark 7:20-23). Even King David recognized this in the Psalms.

Humans make numerous laws and regulations to defend their ethics and morals. They continuously teach and train others to suppress their fundamental nature of sin in order for them not to commit sin. All these useless efforts are derived from the premise that they can live an upright life and not commit personal sins if they just try. And majority of people live with such mistaken notions until they die. However, this is merely a human thinking and nothing more than a mistaken notion.

It is also written in Romans 5:12-13, “Therefore, just as through one man sin entered the world, and death through sin, and thus death spread to all men, because all sinned—(For until the law sin was in the world, but sin is not imputed when there is no law.”

This passage records that sin entered everyone’s heart due to the transgression of one man, Adam. Who is Adam? He is the first man whom God Himself created. Genesis chapter 2 says that God formed this man Adam out of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and that man became a living being.

There are sadly many people who do not understand their true self as a sinner and try to receive salvation and resolve the problem of their sin by doing good works, meditation and the list goes on. Such people are reluctant to hear the gospel truth of the water and the Spirit because they are trying to receive salvation by keeping all the statutes of the Law which God has given.

If you wish to find this gospel truth then may I invite you to order the Free Christian Books by going to this website....this is it!!!

I understand your confusion, we are living in exceptional times, everything is changing and very rapidly. Keep meditating, this mental discipline will get you beyond the conditioned, "thinking" mind into a deeper state of relaxation or awareness, or simply a more relaxed and peaceful frame of mind.

If you want to practice your meditation virtually along with other people, join us at: http://maya2012.ning.com/

D'Marco

I suggest listening to the *actual teachings of the Bible*, & see whether you are interested in *real* Scripture-based beliefs. This is not what the churches teach, but what the *Bible itself* teaches. You can do so, by listening to the audio version of the book:

"What Does the Bible Really Teach?"

(audio--listen / download, section by section)

http://jw.org/index.xjp?option=QrYQZRQVNlBBX

(Choose the title from the ^pull-down box^: "Publication".)

True Enlightenment--Where Can You Find It?

http://watchtower.org/e/20060701/article_01.htm

How Do You Measure Success?

http://watchtower.org/e/20070101/article_01.htm

You Can Find Real Happiness!

- The Recipe For True Happiness!

- Rejoice In The Hope

http://watchtower.org/e/200604/article_01.htm

You should try to get those bad thoughts and feelings back asap. You shouldn't try to just cut out a part of yourself like that; it's unhealthy. Besides, as you reintroduce yourself to the outside world, those thoughts and emotions will come rushing back to you and you'll crash harder than you could ever imagine.

Now is the time to find a qualified teacher.

I invite you to talk to mine

http://www.lamajigme.com/

You should be seeking God, not yourself and you might find something to fill up that hole.Good luck!