How do I deal with family (in-laws) that will not accept our adopted children.?

There's really nothing you can do. He's being honest about how he feels even if it means he's being a jerk..

Better he be honest about it from the start and never come around, than to pretend he loves them only to have them find out he didn't later on. I've had adopted relatives who tell me they love me one minute, and then tell me to my face about the family heirlooms they are leaving to real family members once they go.

My friend, I will say this to you, if your FIL is disowning his own grandchildren, he definitely has a problem. However, the bigger problem you have is not him, but your husband. He has a new family to care for now. Granted it would be wonderful if he could have a good relationship with his dad as well, however, if his father is not accepting your adopted children, as really his grandchildren, your husband has a responsibility to his new family first. My in-laws did not accept our 2 adopted children at first either, and sometimes I think they still don't to a certain extent even though they are 17 and 20 now. But when it was VERY obvious that they did not like the idea that their son adopted instead of passing on their "name" my husband decided that our family was the most important. Your hubby needs to make that choice- children do come first.

Sadly your father in law is very ignorant even more from what you said of him disowning biological grandchildren because his former grandson/daughter in law got custody of the kids. So basically grandchildren are only accepted by him if his child gets custody of the child (ren).

You can not change his views but what you can and should do is limit his contact with your family. Children should always come first always. Your husband needs to put his kids before his father that is just how it needs to be and should be. I have to be honest family clearly means nothing to this man whether family through adoption or family through genetics. If I had kids I wouldn’t allow this type of person to be any where around my children again regardless if he was their blood relative or relative via adoption. If your husband wants to remain close to his dad he can do so with out have this toxic man around your kids. As you said your kids are young now but as they get older they are going to start to realize their grandfathers behavior towards them and that he favors their cousins over them and doesn’t consider them family.

I am sure you could find a kind elderly man willing to be a surrogate grandfather to your children if you want too. There are elderly people who don’t have grandkids or rarely see their grandkids and many would be more then happy to be someone’s honoree grandparent.

Crikey...what a long question?

I don't have an answer but can only tell you about my own experience of being adopted as a 6 week old baby. Most of the family accepted me with open arms with the exception of my Grandad on my mums side.

I was 14 before he really accepted me as one of his grandchildren, I had never given up trying to please him, I'd never really understood what I'd done wrong or why he treated me differently to my cousins, then one day he suddenly changed, almost as if a switch had been turned on, sadly he died just 2 years later, but those two years meant everything to me.

After he'd gone, there was a note in one of his jacket pockets, it was addressed to me and simply said, he was sorry and how he knew I'd miss him most out of all the grandchildren because I was the only one that ever made an effort to make him love me.

Fortunately those first 14 years are a mere blip, while the last 2 years seem to be where most of my memories of my Grandad are.

All I'm trying to say I suppose is that he'll maybe come round to the idea, don't give up on your father in law just yet... when those children start to give him unconditional love...which they will, only a monster could brush them aside.

Yes both sides of our families have welcomed and accepted our adopted children completely as a full member of the family. They never really had a choice though. It was love us all or lose us all. We laid down that law from the beginning.

I agree with Adore Him. I know you don't want to make your husband choose between his father and his children, but really YOU aren't making him, his father is. And the reality is, it IS a choice between his father or his children. You, as the mother of these children, have the job of protecting them, and if you have to go against your husband, that is your job. Children should not be subjected to being treated as second rate. It is very damaging, and you can't let them. Ideally, you and your husband would have discussed this issue ahead of time, but now you must simply insist that your children not be around this. Very firm boundaries must be set. Extended family can FEEL however they want, but they must TREAT your children as equal family members or they don't get the privilege of being a part of your lives. That must be made clear.

Oh, this is a hard one for me, too. Brings back those painful memories of my brother always saying, You're not a part of this family because you were adopted! well, I can say, what you have done, has already changed those children's lives! Don't worry about your dad, give him time to adjust. It really doesn't make sense why pople have to say those things. My parents are the only ones I know as my parents. And as far as my brother is concerned, he can stick it! i'M 28 years old, now, and the parents i have are what i always had, they picked me! I am special! Tell your kids I say they are special too!!! Oh, and i met my 2nd cousin, he's an eastern indian baby, adopted from my cousin! So, no matter what, always tell your children how special they are! My parents have always brought me up telling me how much they love me and how special I am to be their daughter. Always tell your children. My parents always told me, since i was a child, that I was adopted, and that i was someone very special!

I have had a similar problem, but in the reverse. I was the one who had trouble accepting the adopted kids of my sister. There was a certain type of resentment in me that I really could not explain as normally I enjoy kids around a lot.

What I did was get a little counseling and got more involved with the children. I had to force it at first, but after a few weeks, I found myself missing them when they went on a holiday. I was at first motivated by my love for my sister, but now it is much, much better. I take the kids places and enjoy their company a lot.

It is very important to my sister that the kids are accepted, so I learned how to do that. There are no more discussions, and whatever reservations I may still hold are going to the grave with me.

Well honestly i dont know what to tell u. but have u ever thought of brining it up to FIL? Have him ur self and ur husband sit down and talk and get to know and understand y he wont accept ur beatiful and adorable children. Like they say in the old days u can give a horse water but u can not make it drink. i think maybe hes scared that if he gets close to ur children now one day they might be taken to another place to live and hes scared to get close to him. my mother is going thru this with her other daughter. my sister had a baby and he was born a premmy. well right before he died (R.I.P. Brandon) my sister took my mothers name off the vistation list in the hospital. My mother vowed never again will she ever get close to my sisters other children if she was to have any again bc she doesnt want them to get takes. yes that is wrong for my mother to do this but in time it shouls work out for u. maybe bring the children over to his housing more that might work. but im sry that i couldnt be more helpful and ill be praying for u and ur wonderful family. good luck and take care.

He can only influence the people who allow him to influence them. If his kids, grandchildren, friends, etc, choose to have money matter more than respect, he will continue to treat them without respect.

On a side note, he probably doesn't think about this, but his wife, who he misses so much, was never 'blood' to him either. She was chosen by him, nothing more.