Natural Mothers/Adoptive Mothers?

The only time the amother and I have contact, is when my daughter is present and that's fine by me. She is a decent enough woman, but if our paths had crossed in some other way outside of adoption...we would not be friends...she simply is not my cup of tea and I sincerely doubt I am hers. When in the company of each other (seldom), we are cordial and polite...as civilized senior citizens should be!! LOL!

BTW...Rosie....my surrender document..simply states "Mother", no pre-qualifiers. I am the Natural Mother of my child, as well as to my other children I birthed and raised. I had them all the old fashioned way via Nature. I think Nature and Natural have something in common, don't you? If you buy 'natural' food, does that make the other food you buy that is not labelled 'natural' ... unnatural? Well supposedly 'natural' food is not blended with a bunch of chemicals and preservatives...still I don't believe that 'unnatural' food is bad...I eat it every day...and I couldn't live without it!! Food corporations make a ton of profit selling 'unnatural' food and a heck of a lot of people enjoy 'unnatural' food everyday. Cool Whip comes to mind!

Natural Mother - I wanted to parent my son, there was no need for him to be adopted as I was in a situation where I could afford to raise him (working) but even if I hadn't I would have been eligible for benefits and as we have the NHS I wouldn't have had to worry about medical or dental treatment as both are free. The best way to describe it is an invisible amputation and it is gut wrenching. I have suffered with depression, been suicidal, self harmed, been angry, hated myself, blamed myself felt ashamed. It took reunion to work through all the emotions but I still have my bad days and it will always be a life sentence.

Honestly, I don't like my son's other Mom. She abandoned him with an abuser. Then when Drew contacted he last year she told him she wanted nothing to do with him and wished she would have aborted him because he was "retarded". Who the hell says this to a 13 year old child? I can understand if she doesn't want a relationship with him, But she didn't need to be such a witch about it.

And in another sense, I feel bad for her. She is missing out on getting to know a very intelligent child (young man). He is far from being mentally disabled. He is an honor roll student that excels at any sport he trys and had his priorities in order.

I am proud of our son. I just wish she would get to know him and see the young man I do., not the child she thought he was.

My children's First Mother is not in their lives technically. She is there in spirit, as in we talk about her, but she has no contact. I agreed though to meet with her once per year to give updates, to give pictures etc. and for her to give the kids gifts etc.

Ours is perhaps unique as the children were apprehended by CAS and visitation is NOT in the best interest of hte kids at this time.

How do I feel about her? I feel bad for her. I feel she is someone who herself was not given much of a chance. She grew up in many many foster homes, many abuses and such. I will never say it is okay what she did to the kids, but in a way I understand. Without effective interventions at an earlier age. When she met me, she said she wished she had had a mom like me when she was a kid, and she was happy the kids were being treated well. I won't lie to you I cried.

I am in hope she gets the help she needs, and do assume that the children will start to see her when they are older. I don't deny her place in their lives at all, but right now I spend a great deal of time unrighting the wrongs she has done and the kids are my number one priority.

I do think though of her loss frequently, especially on holidays.

If I had done a private adoption (which I would not have done anyway) it would be a different story altogether. I would likely have an open adoption with full relationship, like an extended family.

I love the mother who adopted my little girl. We formed a relationship before she was even born so I was very comfortable and I trusted her before the adoption. Her promise to me was that my baby will always know where she came from and how much I love her, which is very important to me. We get pictures and letters from her and I love it. Sure sometimes I get jealous that she gets to see all the time but for the most part I love her and thank god for her everyday.

I don't understand why she treated our son the way she did, yet I fell a deep connection with her. Like if I ever saw her I would just give her a big hug and cry.... I don't feel I have the right to judge her. I do feel though that right now I have the obligation of protecting our son. Her rights were terminated by CPS. I think I'll deal with this whole situation when and if it ever interests my son. My focus and priority are him.

I'm using the term bio mother/mom because when I asked YA what is appropriate, months ago, that's what seemed to come out. Our son's bio mom refers to herself as "birth mom". It can get complicated and frustrating because as an adoptive parent with a great deal of respect for these women (and men too), we unintentionally offend.

The presence of our son in our life is unequivocally the most significant and impactful event of our lives. Attached to that is the realization that his bio mom was not equipped to care for him even though her love for him, to this day, is without question.

When a woman is warned that her parental rights might be terminated by CAS BEFORE the child is born...there are many questions as to what could possibly be so dire. The circumstances regarding her choices have their foundation in her childhood. Abuse, arson, neglect...you name it...she experienced a difficult childhood which doesn't prepare anyone well for trusting and judgement in life. It's these circumstances that sadden us because her choice to support our son's bio dad despite his incarceration and subsequent deportation...led to her losing custody.

She has since given birth to another child, a daughter with him and lives overseas until next year. She has asked us to take her daughter is anything happens to her and the bio dad. Again...a testament to her love for her children.

My feelings:

She CHOSE us. She felt we were good enough for her child. There is no greater burden of trust. For that...we are grateful to her.

She has given us the gift of a picture album from her pregnancy and his birth with HER words and feelings at the time leading up to our meetings. In her pain and sadness...she pushed through it to compile a history for him. I don't care what anyone says about her choices...that had to hurt so much.

Though we wish things were different for her now...especially with a daughter who is living with the man who was too much of a danger for our son, we stand back and respect that these are her choices.

We respect that she gives us a lot "space" to parent. She doesn't inject her opinions or ask questions every day even though she could. She is very considerate.

We think she is a very kind hearted woman who still lives a hard life. We have also seen that she is a strong woman. She isn't very well physically and she doesn't have support overseas but is clearly dedicated to her girl.

We love to share the similarities between the two kids (mind blowing but then...they are full biological siblings) and we still are amazed at how grateful she sounds to us. It's surreal. To read emails about how this was the best thing for her and our son (collective "our" on that) even though we KNOW she would have kept him if allowed to...well...it validates our open adoption arrangement.

She has told us in person and in writing...how much she thinks of us parents. So I hope the respect truly is mutual.

P.S. In our case...there is another "mother" and "father" in the picture. Our son's foster parents who cared for him for his first 10 months and presented us with a warm welcome and meal at our first visit in their home complete with "mom and dad" cake and "mom" necklace for me. I can't say enough for people like that who prepare children as best they can, to be part of a permanent family.

I wouldn't change a thing about being this boy's parents. Perhaps us "two moms" can give him the best of what we have to offer.

I am a natural mom too-- Re: the other mother in my child"s life. She is dead.We adopted from foster care and my daughter ALWAYS knew she was adopted[age 7]. Her mother had a host of problems but my daughter never gave up trying to win her over. My daughter could never please her and when she passed away she never even mentioned my dau. The sisiter called ME a year after the death to inform me and to tell me I should tell her sister. My dau wasn't even told where the burial was. I found all of that out here on Yahoo/ans. Thanks to the wonderful lady who directed us to the right place---we found what my dau wanted and needed and she made the trip a few months ago to the cemetery.

I am an AP. (I have also given birth to 3 wonderful children)

There is not a moment in my life that I do not think of my children's first parents. I ACHE for the loss they feel!!

I can not take away their pain over the loss of their children (Involuntary).

I can not help but love them, for I love their children :)

I have mixed feelings. Both my kids' birthmothers were drug addicts. My daughter's tried to raise her for a few months, but wasn't able-eventually her rights were terminated due to leaving the baby neglected and hungry. I have to say, that is kind of hard to take in, because I love my daughter so much that I cannot imagine the depth of an addiction to where you can't/don't care for a defenseless little baby. But in my heart, I feel I know she loved my daughter, as she tried to raise her (though she was unable). I wonder if I should do a search to find her now to see if there is any other info I could get, in case the "trail goes cold" over time, by the time my daughter becomes an adult. My son's birthmother had a similar situtation, although she relinqhished him at birth. In both cases, I like to beleive that these women loved the children they gave birth to, but just that their tragic life circumsances put them in a position where prostitution and drug abuse were no way for a child to be raised.

At the end of the day, I am grateful for these women giving life to my children, as I treasure them and feel they are the greatest gift I will ever recieve. I feel sad for them, as because of their life choices/circumstances, they will not know the daily joy my kids have to offer the world.

I have always been open with my kids and as they get older and have more questions, I will share what I know, as needed. I don't really think telling them their birthmother was a drug abusing prostitute is very helpful, so I will go the route of "had grown up problems" until the time is right to share more.

I feel sad for her. I am grateful to her. I am not threatened by her nor do I feel jealous. I do not feel I am in competition with her for my kids' love. It is bittersweet, because her tragedy has brought me my greatest joy. I did not cause her problems, or any problems my kids may have due to fetal exposure to drugs and possibly alcohol, but I do the best I can every day to help my children to feel uncnditionally loved and to realize their maximum potential.

I think that the many feelings within the adoption triad can be quite complex.

How do you feel?