What is with so many late discovery adoptees?

Anyone that doesn't tell their children they're adopted, doesn't deserve to be parents. End of.

I think very few of these "late discoveries" come about because the aparents had a sinister motive. They were probably TRYING to do the right thing. 40 years ago, adoption was not as well understood by the general populace. They probably didn't want their child to feel "different" in school or around other kids. (Remember, we had alot of other bad things going on back then, including segregated schools not that long before!) Many of them may have even intended to tell them, "When they were older" or "When they will understand" but never managed to find a good time - and then one day it just suddenly seemed too late!

These days I think there are fewer excuses for it. Non-traditional families are pretty much the norm and a good many toddlers know they are adopted well before they understand what the word "adopted" means. It's also one of the reasons that open adoption is preferable in most cases. When an adoption is open it takes away most of our abilities to "make believe" something that's not true. It puts a more honest face on what actually happened, and I think in most cases it will create a stronger bond between parent and child.

On the other hand, it is still a hard thing for some adoptive parents to do. Adoption isn't exactly a picture perfect way for a life to come out. There are going to be hard questions to answer, and sometimes open adoption just makes these seem worse. How do you explain to a 3 or 4-year-old how a parent that loves them didn't want to keep them. They aren't really old enough to understand alot of the deeper meanings. It can get even worse if the biological parent isn't responsible about keeping scheduled appointments, etc. (Case in point, the bio-mom from "The Kid" by Dan Savage).

This doesn't mean open adoption is wrong. In fact, I think many a-parents who wait because they think it will be less traumatic if they explain it when a child can understand are making the wrong assumption. Yes, it's terribly traumatic and confusing to a toddler who is beginning to understand their world only to realize some parts of it just don't make sense. Yes, it probably will result in some tears and life long aches.... but the younger a kid is, the more resiliant they are. In the end, it's easier to answer the tough questions early on, so that your child can grow up with them, rather than to shatter your childs life by presenting the uncertainty later.

Even if you have to simply say to your toddler, "yes, it's confusing, and painful, and there is no good reason for it" you can also say, "but even son, I am here now, and I love you." Adoptive parents have to realize they can never fix the wound adoption will leave, and that fixing that hurt isn't even the goal. Adoptive parents just have to be supportive enough that the child can learn to deal with it because they have another sturdy place to turn.

Realizing that has been a massive leap of faith that alot of parent have had to make over the decades. We're succeeding. Most children these days are never lied to about their adoptions. Progress may be slow, but eventually people are learning that strength comes from truth, not lies.

Adoption isn't some random parenting decision. It's a judicial decision resulting from a petition to the court. Generally speaking, in the free world people have a right to know when there's a court case directly involving them. Those who try to keep this sort of thing hidden should be locked up, and the key should be thrown away. Gitmo's too good for anyone who would contemplate this sort of thing. I don't care if they're a court appointed 'parent', the clerk of court, a law maker, a judge, or the head of state. It's wrong morally, ethically, and politically. It's nothing short of absolute tyranny over the individual being deprived their personal information.

As someone who found out at age 31 (25 years ago), I understand your confusion. I never did find out why my aparents didn't want me to know because by the time I found out, my amom was deceased and my adad REFUSED to acknowledge my adoption - even 20+ years after I found out.

Since LDAs are only apparent once they find out the truth, what you're seeing is not the incidence of "not telling" but the incidence of discovery. Many people are finding out when they need their birth certificates (for passports, social security/Medicare, voting and other Patriot Act derivatives). In some passport cases, the amended birth certificate is not valid - leading to confusion and questioning on the part of the unwary adoptee.

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I know! It's really shocking, particularly with the younger ones whose parents should know better.

When I was adopted in the early 1970s my parents were given a leaflet explaining why it's essential to be honest and tell the child they're adopted

My adoptive Mum just can't get her head around the stories I'm telling her these days of young adoptees who have found out later in life. But then she's also shocked that anyone could be threatened or against adoptees searching for their natural families but I digress

I have always known. My parents used to say things to me when I was a baby (of course before I could even understand) like, We are so glad we adopted you. I don't even have a memory of not knowing that I was adopted or them ever telling me. Talking about adoption and that I was adopted was normal for our household.

I think a lot of it lies in the "as if born to" fantasy that adoption creates. Telling your child makes it real that your child shares another family, another set of parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, etc . . . and I would bet there are still some aparents out there who still believe they can simply forget about all of this by their children not knowing the truth and therefore them not having to face the truth as well.

I agree with the fact that it borders on child abuse to do something so shameful and harmful to a child. Unfortunately, my MIL did this to my husband's older brother. She is actually a first mom of her oldest child, and only daughter, but that was never kept a secret. Her daughter knew by the time she turned five and my MIL's other children all knew about her as well.

But her next child who she raised, was adopted by my husband's father and never told about it. I knew he was adopted by his afather before he did. He was well into his 20's before he found his OBC and asked his agrandmother about it (the one who first told me). That was over ten years ago and you can still see the affects of what it did to him to find out at such a late age, and to know that everbody else in his family knew the truth when he didn't.

My son's amom didn't keep most of her promises, but I am thankful she did keep the promise that she would always let my son know he was adopted. He can't even remember a time when he was told. He just always knew. I'm so glad that is one lie he didn't have to grow up with.

I think the majority of people that are trying to get an infant believe that adoption is for their desires and not the child......despite them claiming its to help a child in need of a home.

I know my aps would never had told me.....if it wasn't so obvious.

I'm not sure where it comes from, but I know the idea that it's the aparents "right" to make that choice is still out there. When we were first considering adopting and going through the process, we often got the question, "are you going to tell them they're adopted?"

I am always shocked to hear this as well. Even my son's adoptive mother told me that in 1966 when they adopted him, they were advised to tell him he was adopted as soon as he started asking questions.

It seems to me these parents who look for excuses to not tell their children about something so important must feel pretty insecure about their role as parents.

I know, I think it is sad.

A friend of mine just found out her daughter doesn't know and she is 11. I don't know what I would do if Amber didn't know. I think her adopters planned not to tell her but given how widely our story was known in their community and my unwillingness to shut up, they haven't had a choice.

I don't get how they think keeping a child's adoption from them will help? All the LDA's I have spoken to say it has really impacted their lives and I know a few who couldn't handle it and sadly killed themselves... is it any wonder when their whole life as they knew it ended up being a lie.

Why do people think secrecy will help??