I just gotta know...?

I think for "many", not all, adoptive parents, they want so badly to believe the myth of "as if born to", that the thought of their child knowing their first family threatens and shakes them to the core.

I do find it odd that are some adoptees who say they don't care. I just think they afraid of rejection, and they are afraid of hurting their adoptive family.

I love the fact that you used the term "cellular level". Ive been using this term, and I have found there are ap's who even hate THAT term- because cells are natural, and every human being comes from our natural parent's cells, lol. I dont know why they find nature so threatening. They need to get over it. Their adoptive kids are not their natural kids. Adoption changes our names- not who we are on a "cellular level".

My husband's grandmother was adopted around 1920. I got to know her when I was dating my husband and learned that as an adult she tried to search for records to find out where she came from, who here parents were, and if she had any siblings. She learned that the county court house that held the records from her adoption had a fire and many documents were destroyed including her adoption records. She asked her adoptive parents for any information they had and they refused to give it to her. So she basically had no clue where she came from until the day she died. This caused great sorrow in her life and she told me once that there wasn't a single day in her life that she didn't scan faces in the grocery store, in the park, at a movie theatre, etc... to look for someone who looked like her. She thought that maybe somewhere out there she could recognize a brother or sister or something. Not knowing haunted her.

Now I am an adoptive mom to two boys and I am doing my best to preserve every piece of information I have about them and where they came from. I will always support them in communicating with any or all of their family members to whatever extent they choose to. Today they are young and I feel like it is my job to preserve their history and keep the link open for the future. It would break my heart to not be able to give them that information knowing how my husband's grandmother felt. If it was me I would want to know everything too!

There are some of us adopters, adopted a birth who did not have the need to find our bio parents or wonder where there genetic lengths are. I was one. I think of it as some people may really be into tracing their roots, of seeing how long they been in America and if they are related to any historical figures.I personally see my adopters family tree as my family tree even if that is not biological connection there. I have met my bio Mom, more because of my Mom than any other reason. My bio Mom kept on contacting me and I was not interested. I told my Mom, I don't have any unresolved issues about being adopted and don't feel I need to see her. but its like my Mom said, maybe she does have some issues and seeing you would put them to rest. And it seem too..

If you want to know, then its your parents responsibility to help you. But if you don't want to, then leave it alone. Could be later on, you might want to. but it is a choice made the person at the time, not anyone else. Sometimes it seems that the person more interested in your bio family is someone your dating, or friend. And its none of their business

It's perfectly normal for adopted kids to want to know who their birth parents are. That's partly why they invented a thing called Open Adoption. I am in an Open Adoption which means that I get to visit my son three times per year until he turns 5. Then I only get to visit him 2 times per year. I want to know him and I want him to want to know me. Open Adoption insures that. Believe it or not there are some adopted children who do not want to know their birth parents. My adoption counceor's son for example. My adoption councelor adopted two babies and one of them refused to talk to or meet his birth parents. When he turned 18 his birth parents called and asked to talk to him. So his adoptive mom ask him and he said, "No, I haven't seen them in over 18 years. And besides, I have aunts and uncles right here." Yeah, I think it's strange that he did that. But I've heard that it's less common for boys to want to know their birth parents. It's ussually girls who really want to meet their birth parents. I heard about a case where a man met his birth parents only because his girlfriend pressured him into meeting his birth parents.

There are a few very profound revelations that have impacted me...from reading here.

And you are talking about one of them.

I don't get why it's so much of a stretch for anyone to appreciate that those who were adopted are just as likely, in fact, more likely, to want to fill in pieces of their genetic puzzle. Whereas non-adoptees have the luxury of asking around or looking at family albums etc...those who are adopted (especially closed adoptions or from foster care if contact is forbidden) have to take extraordinary measures to find their roots.

I couldn't agree more with the adoptees here. Why is it such a mystery-or anyone's business for that matter-that adoptees would want to know their lineage? Regardless of any medical "need".

@mommy to little - could you please give me your reference/research for 1/3 of fathers?

@secret - some adoptees "know" even when not told, most not told eventually find out - this is just not a good plan on any level - let alone just plain dishonest.

I think some people have a hard time understanding why we (not all of us) want our truth because of the rainbow idea of adoption. Obviously, our lives were better, so why would we? I think it is this same industry/culture that degenerates any meaningful conversation regarding reforms.

Well, speaking as an adult adoptee, I find it quite irrelevant where I get my body shape or features from, that's totally superficial stuff. I also get quite irritated sometimes at being labelled as "in denial" that I don't want to find my bio parents. Every one is different, everyone's feelings are their own and it's annoying when some adult adoptees think they speak for all of us.

That said, I'm aware my perspective is different from many adopted at a younger age (or as a newborn). I don't remember what my birth mother looked like but I do remember enough to know for certain that I don't want or need that crap in my life.

When I was considering adoption - before I started my research - that was the last thing that entered my head.

I was filled with the idea of "unicorn farts and rainbows". I just new that any kid I got my hands on would be transformed by my love, support and family that they'd never give their birth families a second thought. I didn't expect gratitude at all, I thought love would save the day, right all wrongs and be all the happiness a any child would need.

It was only AFTER I read this site and visited the links provided by some of the regulars that I woke up to the adoptees point of view.

That is something I'd never even considered before.

So, to answer your question:

Why can't AP's comprehend...

Because we are taught all sorts of stories, movies, media that adoption IS "unicorn farts and rainbows" and the adoptees POV is never discussed.

Well,'actually that's a good question that I've wondered about for a long time. I was adopted, and my mom told me right away about it, so I grew up knowing it, and it didnt think much of it. When I was little I asked my mom if she knew my real mom (I was 5) and she said she couldn't because I was I'n an orphanage and there was no way i could find out. It was just one of those cases where nobody knew.It would take years and years to find my real parents. They may also have died so there's no luck I'n finding them now. I looked online when I was I'n 7th grade, trying to find something, but i just didn't know how to do it. I soon I just reasoned that they wanted me I'n better care which I'm I'n now and I stopped thinkig about it. I never rlly had intrest ever again and i never wanted to know more about where I came from or my family genetics and stuff.... I will probably have the intrest again about knowing more but for now I guess my family has almost given up and i don't really want to find anything to do with my real family. It's not that I don't care, I just lost intrest.....

You've got me to a point. I think there's nothing odd or unusual about wanting to know where you came from. Look how popular places like Ancestry.com are. If knowing your genetic roots isn't important, then why are so many people researching their family trees?

However, if an adopted person does -not- want to search, it's not my place to say that this is weird or there is something wrong with that either.