Child calling step-dad "Dad" issues?

Question

The 411-  My husband and I got together when my son from a previous relationship was just about to turn 2. Over the course of time, my son decided on his own to call my husband "Daddy". We did not influence this nor did we punish him for doing it. We started explaining to him from the get go who was who in his life. His real father has always been active in his life. He hasn't been the most responsible parent, I have always considered him more of a play-mate than anything. It's my husband, my son's step-dad, who has stepped up to the plate and played the responsible father role. We have and always have had full custody and primary care provider rights. My son lives with us 90% of the time.

The problem I run into with this issue, naturally, is that my son's bio-father absolutely hates the fact that my son calls his step-dad "dad" and he has created a lot of confrontation (in front of my son) over the fact. On the other hand, my husband get's hurt and bothered when my son chooses to call him something other than "dad". My husband, being a bit more mature, wont display his feelings about it in front of or toward my son, but it creates tension between him and I and sometimes we argue because of it. He always thinks the only reason for my son choosing to call him anything other dad is the result of mind manipulation from his bio-dad. Which may and may not always be true.

It is my (our) belief that a child will choose how to identify important people in his/her life and that shouldn't be influenced nor should it be punished. I can see my son's bio-dad's point of view on the situation but I can also see my son's point of view AND my husbands point of view. I do not believe in reprimanding my son for calling his stepdad "dad". If that's how he see's him, that's his right. We've explained to him several times what the differences are between his stepdad and his bio-dad. 

My husband and I also have a daughter together so my husband is always referred to as "daddy" and that will never change, as I call him "daddy" too. 

I know there are a lot of children being raised in blended families as divorce and separation rates are higher than ever. It's more common place for a child to have one or more step-parents so I feel like this is a very common problem. I was also in the same situation as a child and for awhile I referred to my fathers as Daddy Keith and Daddy Mark and fluctuated back and forth between calling them by name and calling them dad until i eventually decided to just call them both "dad". My son also has a step-mother (and step-siblings) and I know he has called her "mom" and honestly it does not bother me one bit bc I know who I am and I dont have any insecurities about that. 

I'm just curious to see how others affected with the same issue handle it.

? · Accepted Answer

As a mother you have to be careful not to let your own personal feelings come into play. What stuck out to me in all this was your comment "I have always considered him more of a play-mate than anything.It's my husband, my son's step-dad, who has stepped up to the plate and played the responsible father role " He's not a playmate. That is his father, one which you acknowledge has always been active in his life.

I mentioned that because I want you to consider that maybe you subconsciously encourage him to call your husband dad because you feel he has stepped up more and is more deserving of that title. Just as you feel that when your son DOESN'T call your husband dad it is because of your ex it is possible that when he DOES it is because of your cues.

I personally have very mixed feelings about calling a stepparent "Mom" or "Dad" especially when the parent is still in the picture. I have a stepmother myself whom I absolutely adore. I am closer to her than my mother, but I have never called her anything other than her name because I feel like that title "Mom" is sacred. I have one mom and one dad and that's all I ever will.

Although you are okay with his calling his stepmom "Mom" at least try and understand that his father is not. And if people are honest, he is not alone in feeling that way. Maybe brainstorm something else that he can be called that isn't so offensive for Dad. Papa maybe? There is nothing to be gained by making his father feel disrespected, whether it would bother you or not,

Anthony · Answer

First save the he stays with us 90% of the time routine. If he is taking the son when he can, then whats to say he wouldn't take him more often if give the chance. That is absolutely no justification.

He is not his father or dad. He is a guy that you chose to be with.

What do you mean over the course of time.. he was 15 or 5. It is very easy for kid to be confused at a young age when another man or woman is living in the house. Televisions.. cartoons especially promote a non divorced family where the man living at home is dad.

Also.. as an every other weekend dad.. its tough to be the disciplinarian when you only have the child for a small amount of time. You only have a few days a month. Your damn right he is going to have fun on those days!

Anonymous · Answer

I don't feel like that is appropriate. Parents should not force children to call a step parent mom or dad. The only way this becomes acceptable is if the child does it from own free will, often in cases where a biological parent dies when the child is young and the step parent has been there their whole life. Or a similar situation.

A Yahoo User · Answer

Well, I would say this is kind of your fault for not correcting him. I'm sure you don't see the big deal because you don't like his father very much, but this is as if your son lived with his father and called some other woman "Mom", I can just imagine how incredibly hurtful it is every time his dad here's his son calling someone else his "Dad". I understand you want your 2 year old son to pick names for people, but you should have corrected him from the start to call his step dad another respectful name because he isn't capable of understanding how hurtful that is to his bio dad, and it wouldn't mean his step-dad is any less important in his life. It's not as if his real dad doesn't love him or isn't in his life at all. I don't know how this can be fixed now though, seeing as he's probably too used to it now.

? · Answer

My ex wife grew up with a stepfather but stayed in contact with her birth father the whole time, even as an adult. She calls both of them "dad" and neither have a problem with it and neither does she. She has always known that the "dad" who lives at home is actually her stepfather. It doesn't seem like she ever had a problem. I've known her since we were teenagers by the way so I was around her family growing up.

? · Answer

How would you [mom] feel if your son's [real] daddy remarried and your son called her "mommy" Like your ex-, she might be playful, endearing your child even more to her.
You seem to be passive-aggressive to the biological father. Believe me from personal experience I can attest, this will come back to bite you.

Anonymous · Answer

I don't see it as a problem, the child identifies whom is and is not totally there for them on their own, even if there is mind manupulation involved, actions speak way louder than words, and children can see this as well.

Anonymous · Answer

Well.. why should u call your parent STEP-Mom?
STEP-Dad..
Thats too long.
besides they ARE his mom and dad. so...

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Child calling step-dad "Dad" issues?

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