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Should I pay my son's college again, even if he messed up twice?

My son is 20. I was divorced when he was 16 and later moved to another state with my new spouse. My son decided he wanted to live back at home with his grandma (against my wishes). His first semester at a community college, he barely attended classes so I had him withdraw and the school agreed to apply funds to the next semester. A girlfriend dumped him and he had trouble getting things together. He did this in high school, as well. Any problem that came his way, he wouldn't go to school. The next semester of college, he did it again--barely attending classes. When I questioned him, he would tell me to stop trying to control him, leave him alone, it's his decision, he's old enough. Later, he said he's afraid of failing. He would say in his mind the night before that he was ready for school. He would wake up and then be afraid to fail, hence why he doesn't attend. He's very confident (almost cocky) on the outside, but he claims he's afraid to fail, which is why he doesn't go to classes. He refuses any mental health. He went to a doctor before but feels anti depressants don't help, and he does not want drugs. My question is---now he is asking for money for the third semester. 3rd try. Do I give him the money. I feel like he's always giving false promises to attend school. Or do I stand firm and say no to the money? Let him learn the consequences by not giving him money. Or be a supportive mom and give the money and hope something clicks and he attends classes?

6 Answers

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  • Edna
    Lv 7
    4 years ago

    Nope .. don't give him another cent. He's already been to the well enough times, and he didn't appreciate it any of those times. Another time won't be any different.

  • Anonymous
    4 years ago

    I think you should pay one more time, but there have to be conditions attached to it. You're the best judge of what these conditions should be. I'm not sure he needs therapy. It sounds more like he's never had to face true consequences of bad choices, so he's afraid of failure. If I had ditched a class in high school, there would have been hell to pay! This might be where it started.

    One idea is draw up a contract and have him sign it. It may not be fully legally binding, but it increases the seriousness of all this.

    In the contract, state that you will continue paying, and it's a "gift", as long as he shows proof he's finished a semester and is starting a new one. This means you see his grades. If he bails out during a semester, everything you've given him reverts to a "loan" at, say, 5 percent interest. Get him to sign this and commit to it.

    Like I said, it may not be completely legally binding, but your goal here is to combine support with "teaching". He needs to understand that, as an adult, he's responsible for things he wasn't responsible for as a minor.

  • edward
    Lv 7
    4 years ago

    My parents and i had this discussion when i was 17, and about what i was going to do at school. They said they would only give me one chance, they give me the tuition, what i do with it is up to me. I got a full ride scholarship, i saved it and i pay the bills with it at my house. School is expensive. If you can't afford to keep letting it go, you can't afford it. He can't make you

  • Helen
    Lv 7
    4 years ago

    Give your son a conditional offer. Tell him that if he agrees to speak to a counselor and starts taking responsibility and positive action for his behavior, you will pay his fees.

    Regardless of 'family' and 'support', it makes no sense for you to lose thousands of pounds for him to not go to class. Who's going to benefit? You aren't, and he sure isn't.

    If he refuses mental help, refuse to pay his fee.

    You need to start making him realize that his actions have consequences and that he needs to start taking responsibility for himself. Having a mental health problem or a fear of failure is quite common and nothing to be ashamed of. Refusing to do anything about it, but still expecting your parents to shell out on the education you know you're not going to turn up for is not.

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  • Anonymous
    4 years ago

    file for "defferment"

  • 4 years ago

    Don't pay again let him get a job for at least a year to save up for a semester himself it'll show him the cost and how serious college really is good luck and cheers

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