About 7 years ago, I was friends with a co-worker. She had quit, and left our department in a bind. I was upset with her about that, but I got over it - and she never contacted me after that...UNTIL...
Two years ago, I was promoted within the department to Supervisor. After finding this out through the grapevine, she contacted me to tell me that she was tired of her job, and asked that I consider her if I should have any openings in the department in the near future. I was delighted to hear from her, and when a position opened up, I stuck my neck out for her (HR was going to overlook her due to job history). She was hired, and has been working here for the past year or so.
She and I are no longer friends, and sometimes, I have to bite my tongue just to be civil with her at work. Anyway, yesterday, I received an invitation to her wedding shower - a week from this Saturday, with a "wish" list. She's been living with her fiance for at least the last year.
2008-02-27T09:24:48Z
Should I attend and bring a gift, or should I just wash my hands of the whole situation? I'm sure that she could care less whether I'm there are not.
2008-02-27T09:33:53Z
Since she started back here, there hasn't been much gratitude about giving her a job. All she does is complain that she is stressed - and when I suggest something, you'd think I was trying to get her to renounce her religion. And she has her co-worker "friend" tell me that she may be looking for another job to try to manipulate me into giving her special treatment.
SisterSue2008-02-27T09:29:24Z
Favorite Answer
This sounds like the classic case of the bride to be inviting anyone she knows for the presents.
I would get her a card and leave it on her desk at work when she isn't there and decline the invitation. Say in the card that you are happy for her, but you have other plans for that day already and you can't make it.
If you think other people at work are in the same boat as you with the invitation, see if anyone wants to go in on a group present...if you feel so inclined that is.
The good thing is, you are a supervisor, so if she acts like an idiot about you declining to come, she is the one who will look like a moron.
No, that is very rude. It's like expecting a gift but not caring if they are there to see you get married or not. That's horrible. If you're on a budget - only include the people you can afford to invite. Leave them out entirely if you can't afford to follow up with a wedding invite. WOW - if any of these people are your future in laws friends - you're really headed down the wrong path there! If you are limited on space for your wedding - then you are limiting the number for your shower. Your wedding shower is only supposed to include your closest friends and family anyway. The shower isn't just to try to include people so they can celebrate by buying you presents. That's awful. It seems like a selfish attempt to get people who like you to give you presents without having to spend money on them. The whole thing is - that by the time all is said and done - you are going to end up with more checks and gifts than you can imagine. You are going to end up way ahead. So, if space is limited - it's limiting your shower too. If they like you so much that they have to buy you a gift - fine. But, you can't invite people to the shower like you love them sooooo much and then don't invite them to the wedding. It's just not nice.
Sounds more like a taker than a giver. There is nothing wrong with declining an invitation to a shower. For that matter, you aren't required to give a reason, either. Just let her know you have other plans if she insists on an excuse.
Remember, too, that etiquette for a bride is to invite her boss. It's thought to be considerate and polite. You will probably be getting an invitation to the wedding as well, which you also do not have to attend. The thoughtful bride (though perhaps not the most thoughtful employee) is just trying to include you in her celebrations.
I guess it's too late to ask why you stuck your neck out for her. That's something you should only do for an employee who will be an ASSET to the company.
The polite, but better, thing to do would be to tell her you'd do what you can, then be honest with HR, or not even talk to HR about her at all.
Anyway, you can decline the invitation; you aren't even friends. You are "unable" to attend (express regret at this, even though you feel none).
Follow your gut and decline the invite. Sending a gift is optional. I wouldn't even offer an explanation or excuse..... a simple "sorry, can't make it" should suffice. As a supervisor, it's probably better to keep your distance anyway, plus given her history with the company and current "bad vibes", it's best for you not to get involved with this woman on a personal level. As you say, you put your neck out to recommend her for the job she has currently, so you've done your "good deed for the day" re this woman, for a long time to come.