Has your spouse recently cheated on you? Are you still devistated?

My husband cheated on me in December of 05... Sounds like a long time ago... AND it is... but it does still hurt. I have just recently gotten over it... for the most part. Every time I see the girls face though(on myspace), I start feeling like a psycho again. I dunno... I didn't even know he did it until about four months after it happened. He ended up just telling me about it. I was so devistated. I flipped out and started not being myself. I hacked into his myspace and checked his email and his phone for text messages and his wallet for numbers. I seriously went nuts. He ended up turning it around on me like I was Psycho. Anyway, the best thing you can do, first of all, do NOT think about how they did the "do"... Honestly, how would it be a good thing if you found out? You would have these mental pictures of what they were saying to each other and where he was touching her and what is face looked like during it... You really don't need that. Also, knowing what the girl looks like is so horrible. You may have to wonder when you don't know... but I know... and now have an effing mental picture of them together. If she is ugly(wich the girl my husband cheated on me with is), you will wonder if you are uglier. If she is pretty you are going to think he just wants someone prettier than you... Omg... it never ends. You just have to put it into perspective. You don't have to be with him anymore. If you want to be with him, you have to trust him. You don't want to drive yourself insane. After i found out about mine, we came up with things to regain my trust... Things like him not going out at night without you for a while. Him letting you answer his phone without him looking at it first... things like that. I know it's hard. The biggest help is going to be time... That is what got me through. Good luck and I'm SO sorry you had to go through this. It hurts really bad. Be strong.

I'm soooo sorry that you are going through this. It has been about 8 months for me. I'm still not over it. I chose to forgive him and I have not regreted it. I still cry and feel sick whenever I think of him with her. I think about it alot more often than I want to but I can't help it. I try to remember that when he was talking to her and was with her he was not the man I loved. I refer to it as "the time he was abducted by aliens" he was truly a different person. Starting over and making a new commitment to each other has helped. We renewed our wedding vows. That has helped me believe that it was me all along that he really wanted not her. My husband won't talk about that time in his life even though I have asked. I wish that he would, I also have the need to know why. During his time with her the only thing that he said to me that was the truth was "I don't like or respect the man I am right now" For the most part my husband is very supportive and understands how much he hurt me. There have been a few times that he has gotten upset with me for not just letting it go. He says that he doesn't even want to think about that time and he thanks God every day that things happened the way they did and he didn't end up with her. This is the hardest thing that I have ever been through and I'm sure it is for you as well. Time has helped some but I don't think that I will ever be able to get it totally out of my head. The only thing that keeps me going is that I know beyond a doubt that I love him more than anything in this world and I trully believe that he will never do it again. The only thing that I can tell you is it's not easy but if you trully love him it IS definately worth it. In alot of ways we are closer now than we were before this happened. Sometimes it helps just to be able to vent your feelings. If you ever need to talk contact me. Best of luck to you.

You should had known that marriage was not going to be perfect, and you and your husband know it. This is just one of the things that happens in marriage among a huge list of other possibilities. You just have to keep moving forward and deal with it, at the end, that's the idea of marriage and why vows are necessary. Also, he is a cheater (don't blame him), you put the kids before (you said to be a mom, not exactly a wife or lover), the guy must had been bored to hell so doesn't surprise me someone he went somewhere else to find what he didn't have at home or you were not giving him. Compare yourself with how you were when you were dating him, are you taking care of yourself?, he was attracted to that. How about your weight?. Hair length?, some married women they later go to a short low/easy to maintain hair cut instead of the long-sexy hair they had when they found their man (no worries, it's a natural process and that's the way it is, that's also why guys end up divorcing what they call "the selfish b*tch" in the cases that apply). So, it's your fault and his fault, basically, the fault of the two of you for what just happened. For not taking care of the relationship first and put the children as "the bosses". The relationship is the base of the union of the family in somehow, you don't take care of the relationship it will break, and with that will come the suffering of the children and of anyone - Just an oppinion. How to recover?, work-it-out with him, in one way or the other, make your best to stop talking about that and move forward, try to stay closer. Also, he is a cheater and you should know that. Cheaters stop being a cheater when they are caught, and they go back to cheating once the calm comes to the relationship (basically once you start taking care of the kids again), so it's the "scenario" that creates the temptation.

It was about a year and a half ago for me, and guess what? It STILL comes to my mind sometimes. The thing is, I don't let it CONTROL me anymore. He's right in a way. Forgive means to cast something away from you, and you're clearly hanging onto this. Betrayal is a very hard thing to overcome, and some people never get over it. I have to say, the reason you keep wanting details is because you somehow think if you know everything, you'll get over it...but the truth is, YOU WON'T. You're just torturing yourself more, Sweetheart.

You need to sit yourself down and decide if you want to live like this forever. You know what? What's done is done. You need to move away from it, and for every second you spend thinking about it, you take three steps backwards. You are better than this! You know yourself better than anyone else. CAN you get over this? If you know in your heart the answer is no...then you need to move on. Otherwise, you're just making life miserable for you and him both. If your trust is gone for good, then you have nothing. If you can, then move forward, Honey. Nothing good can come from looking back. You need to realize YOU are a beautiful, strong woman, and you did NOTHING to deserve this or make it happen. You couldn't control and still cannot control what HE does...but you can control what YOU do from here. For every minute you sit and cry over something already done and gone, you waste a precious minute you could be LIVING, really living your life! So, decide if YOU need to stay with him, or be without him, but keep moving FORWARD in mind when you make your decision. Can you move forward with him or without him better? If you're going to drive yourself nuts, and wonder where he is, who he's with, what he's doing, who he's talking to, etc....all the time, then WHAT kind of life is that? You know what I'm saying to you. This is up to you...but you cannot keep living like THIS. You can have that peace, but you have to learn not to dwell on things to the point that it incapacitates you. Life is too short. Decide what you need for you, and then go for it with all of your might.

He is right about forgiving, and you shouldn't bring it up if that is what you are going to do. But you havent forgiven him and you are still suffering. You need to get counceling yourself to see if you can even save your marriage....he may have just blown it for good by cheating. You might not have the capacity to forgive him. When you forgive someone of a wrong doing, you never bring it up or use it against them ever, you leave it in the past and learn to deal with the future. If you can't do that then you won't ever be happy and secure in your relationship.

Not to sound down but there is no such thing as forgive and forget...only forgiveness....you might not ever forget....but you must move forward or end your marriage those are your options if you want to live a happy life in a healthy relationship.

My husband (separated now) of 30 years cheated on me with a company tramp that he used to work with for over a year before he finally moved in with her. That has been over 2 years ago and some days it seems like yesterday. I still at times feel like I am living in a dream. We are in the process of divorce but it seems to be taking awhile, I am not sure why. Oh, by the way she is also a supposedly recovering alcoholic and maybe drug addict, have been told that. Also have been told that she has broke up about 5 or 6 marriages before ours. So as you can tell he really picked a good one to get involved with. I have a friend who is divorced and she tells me that one day I will wake up and think what did I waste my time on, so maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel.

i am going through the exact same thing! i know what the girl looks like, and it still doesnt help (although atleast i am prettier than her, haha). But seriously, it still hurts like hell every day. Every day i think about it, and i have known now for 13 months to be exact. My husband refuses to talk about it, and every time i bring it up, he goes into another room or leaves the house, or hangs up the phone on me. He will not go to counseling with me, and i am seriously thinking of divorce. I still cry about it, in fact, i cried about it last night. I am at the point of thinking that the pain will go away if i just divorce him, because i dont think i will ever forget. I try to forgive, but it is so hard. i feel like he is basically just gotten away with murder. Its not fair, and i am still angry. I guess i need to go to counseling, and maybe that would be good for you too?

Well, It has been 5 yrs. for me and though it does get easier you will not forget. I too want to know what all happened, but my husband still will not talk about it. I don't really have an answer for you I just wanted you to know that you were not alone, and you are not crazy. There is this wonderful book you should get. It is called "After the affair" Healing and rebuilding the trust. I recommed you read it. Take care and I want you to keep in touch if you would like. My email is crysmomof1@yahoo.com

The one thing that is most important for both of you to do is get marriage counseling together. You both need guidance and support in staying together after the aftermath of infidelity. You have to both understand the process of healing and grieving over what has happened. What you are feeling is normal and it will take a very long time for things to be better. This will all depend on how your husband treats you and understands the pain that he put you through. The one thing he needs to tell you are the precautions he will take in never reapeating what he did ever again. Your husband also needs to understand what was happening and going on with him when he made the choice to cheat.....and remember that it is always a choice and never a mistake. He also needs to realize how his actions have affected you and that what he did to you will never go away because you will only learn to live with it. You will need alot of support from him and there will be times that you will need to talk about it or even feel angry about it. Your husband cannot expect you to shove all of your feelings under a rug. As much as he wants you to get over it .....it just does not happen that way. There will be days when this will drive you crazy and he needs to hold you and hug you and carry your pain for you!! He broke the trust and he changed your whole world as you once knew it! He broke your heart and you trusted him to keep you safe and secure. He knocked down your self esteem even though it was all about him and not you. Remember he was the one that harmed you! If he wants to keep you in huis life now he has to face some truths about himself and learn to treat you as the most important person in his life. Your entire marriage has to start all over again with new commitments to one another. You are hurting and he has to acknowledge that pain and own it!!!! What you are going through is physically and emotionlly not easy for you. You have to regroup your feelings and emotions in a different way now and trust me you will feel better over a period of time but you will always be looking over your shoulder! They say that it takes at least 2 years for things to calm down and even when they do there will always be a sad and broken place that you will tuck into the back of your heart. Best wishes sweetie I hope that everything works out for you.

Maybe you should get some counseling or talk to your pastor or spiritual guide. Although you are trying to forgive its a lot harder to forget. So he cant expect everything to be perfect. And you shouldn't be bringing it up all the time. As for what she looked like and how they did the do. I really would suggest he not tell you because its not going to help you get over it. Speaking as someone who was cheated on and knows what the female looks like and most of the details of what happened it didn't help and I left him because of that.