Paranoid, alarmist, and hysterical answers only please: What is wrong with today's society?

The RABBITs man.

They keep giving me those funny looks. I know they're up to something. Probably going to steal my cable... But I'm not going to let them!

Most people are the product of societal brainwashing and no longer possess any original thoughts, muscle tone, creativity, or cajones of any description. Until these human cattle are culled by the Space Jesus and fed into the engine core, the earth is going to be cluttered with these useless human-bovine couch potatoes. The good news is that their combined body heat and exhalations will no longer add to global warming. Shhhhh! Don't tell them.

Another theory is that bunnies posing as chihuahuas have infiltrated the home of the wealthy and vapid and are now controlling the world's economy and governments. Damn those faux chihuahuas anyway...

People have lost the true path, and all the fornication resulted in a raise in the temperature. Hence, global warming. Nobody is doing nothing about it because the evil congregation of communist/esquimese/masons is working behind the scenes to take control on the planet. In fact, they already built a spaceship and they will make you pay a crazy price for the ticket to leave the Earth and go to start a new society on the Sun. That is, in fact, just a reflecting ball of ice.

The thing is that the hamburger men from the power outlet told me that the thing that is wrong with society today is my birthday and I'm 32, but that doesn't mean that you're old people scare me- they're all wrinkly- I think they're really rasins are yucky and I don't want any in my oatmeal, so you can have mine.

The rapture is going to happen in the year 2000. What that already passed. This just shows you what is wrong with today's society. Today's society is just way to lazy they need to get off their butts and end the world.

The proof who the real culprits are is obvious in that nobody mentions them. The Illuminati. By having all the corner grocery stores removed and replaced with supermarkets they are warming up the world and guess who is going to have to pay the heating bill's?

It's pasta!!! It's out of control! When will it stop?? Oh wait.. maybe it's not the pasta. Maybe it's that darn Gates guy! He's the anti-Christ you know! I know.. he's controlling all the pasta companies!! Someone needs to take him out!

The little tin foil hat isn't going to save you from him! He's everywhere!!!!! Do you see him now? I do!!!! No don't look!! He'll drag you kicking and screaming to the pits of hell if you look!!

*EDIT*

Forgot to add that it could be pie. You know how pie works. You have one piece of that yummy, gooey goodness and it's all over!!! You have to have more! One pie won't ever be enough! Viva La PIES!!!!!!!!

The Reptilians who can vibrate through multiple dimensions are tricking the gullible into believing that those extra dimensions don't exist. They use their sorcery and black magic to bring about the end of our world, so they can start a new world filled with only Reptilians.

Vacccinations are mind control devices that the Reptilians use to prevent others from vibrating through dimensions.

A century of denial of the Esoteric realms within Man by mental health and the oxymoron "behavioral psychology".

Peace

Lots of our foods - especially candy, used to come in foil wrappers - that's how you knew they were safe from government tampering. Now that everything's in plastic, they heat up in the sun and give off PVCs that lead to global worming and mad cow disease.

That and chicken little - it's all his damn fault.

Ceiling Cat won't come down! Everything would be better if we could just get Ceiling Cat to come down from the Ceiling! It's those darn religionists! They're denial and refusal to ask for cheezburgers is distateful and offensive to Ceiling Cat, so he doesn't want to hang out with us. Get rid of the religionists, and Ceiling Cat will come down!