cosleeping parents, why do you neglect your spouse?

I have 2 children, and honestly I've found that doing a mix of sleeping with and without baby/babies in our bed has worked best for our family.

Each family needs to know what works best for them. What works best for us may or may not help you reach that decision.

There are a lot of benefits to cosleeping. There are also some risks involved. The risks go down significantly when you free your bed of hazards and when no one in bed with the baby is a heavy sleeper and when they tend to not move a lot.

The type of child also dictates if it will or won't work.

With our first she would not sleep for the first few months unless she was attached to my breast and could drink whenever she needed to. So while I had started out thinking that cosleeping was not for us, it ended up being the only way to get ANY sleep. I had to sleep sitting up in bed, but it kept my baby asleep longer and thus my husband was able to get the sleep he needed to be able to function at work the next day.

Our first daughter found our bed comforting so we would keep her in with us until she fell asleep, and if she woke up in the night she was back in our bed till she was asleep. Once asleep we would gently transfer her into her crib. So part of the night she was with us and part of the night she was in her crib. By about 18 months she was in her bed and only came into ours if she was sick, or first thing in the morning if we wanted to sleep longer she'd stay and snuggle with us. She's our snuggly one.

This was the only way we could get her to sleep.

With my second, she was an extremely premature little one. Born at 26 weeks, weighing in at less than 2lbs and developmentally she was the age of a 22 or 23 week old infant. We almost lost her several times and she had to stay in the NICU for almost 5 months. Her twin brother did not make it.

When we brought her home we had a bassinet next to our bed that she slept in, but again, when she'd wake up to nurse I'd breastfeed her and cuddle her until she fell asleep. I could not keep her in our bed though as she was way too antsy. So instead of it helping us get sleep it kept us awake, so I would either walk the hallway with her to calm her down while my husband slept or I'd find another way ~ out of our bed ~ to quiet her down.

With this one there is no morning snuggle time as she is way too active. She wants to climb over us and attempt to get off our bed. I'd LOVE to snuggle her, but she just loves to be constantly on the move. There are a few times she's been in our bed long enough to fall asleep, but it just depends on the night.

Some of you may argue that this isn't true cosleeping. With my second its not. With my first she spent entire nights in our bed, and up until recently when we traveled she'd sleep in bed with us since we didn't feel like taking the crib with us.

I find it wonderful to train children to be able to sleep in a variety of areas. It definitely helps with long car rides and other places. I have a friend whose daughter won't even nap in someone else's bed, it has to be her own crib.

Each child is so different. Each family is also different. Meeting the needs of the parents and the child can be a difficult adjustment, but even if it takes a few months you figure out what works best for you and you go with it.

If you consider cosleeping read a variety of articles on how to do it safely. It has a lot of benefits for parents as well as the babies.

For us it actually helped us be more intimate. We got to enjoy watching our daughter sleep, and after we'd transfered her to her crib we were more in the mood for relations than ever before. (We are a very active couple and cosleeping didn't stop us! We just moved the baby out of our bed and into her crib when we wanted time for ourselves).

It can be very calming to watch your child sleep together. For us, it drew us closer together. My husband finds it sexy to watch me care for our children. We feel very bonded together as a family and enjoy morning snuggles with our children. We are just hoping that our youngest will soon enjoy these times without being an escape artist :).

I can't tell you if you should or should not cosleep. There are just way too many variables in play. If you or you partner consume alchohol or smoke in your bed then I'd definitely suggest NOT cosleeping. If you take sleeping medication or if you are on the couch with your baby there is a greater chance your infant will suffocate.

If you and your spouse have healthy habits and have removed dangers from your bed, then cosleeping can provide you with a lot of great benefits ~ for your whole family.

In the end you just have to know what's right for YOU.

(By the way sometimes Moms are way more sexually driven than the Dad's are... and in our family we follow very traditional roles so I'm certainly no liberal man beating woman... perhaps people think you are ranting due to how your question is worded?)

We did just fine with it - mainly because we had a child that didn't sleep as it was, so we took shifts, and if she would sleep between us, great (and no, it wasn't because she was babied, she has brain damage issues and it is purely a medical behavioural thing - she takes meds to sleep now)... with the second, there are times she will come to bed with us, but not often.

But, co-sleeping, parenting, playing with the kids, etc., can all cause the same issues with couples. It isn't all sleeping arrangements. A spouse could feel neglected over not being the center of attention anymore, or any of the time management problems that comes with being a parent and doing you best at it.

Do I feel I'm neglecting our marraige? NO... Our sex life? Not a bit. There are times the kid isn't in bed, afternoon nap times, shower times, etc.... and actually, I'm the one that wants "it" in the middle of the night, so I'd be the deprived one. We have an extremely active sex life, talk constantly, and still manage to focus on our kids wholeheartedly. I guess it's easier because we are great friends, have enough differences to make it interesting, and an off the charts sex drive that is definately because we do communicate openly, and were honest and got to know eachother before we got married (not necessarily before we became parents - damn sex drive). If you struggle anyways, maybe dividing the time or attention, rather, would be a problem, but when you are two of the same mind, and are working together, it is an experience you share, not get left out of.

But, yes, I missed the middle of the night "roll overs"... then again, our oldest will be 12 this summer, and the baby is 6 1/2 months, so maybe I should continue to miss them

Intamacy can happen in many places other than the bedroom at bedtime.

I co-slept with my son for 8 months, my husband and I loved it and plan on doing it again with our soon to be daughter. It created a new kind of intamacy as a family unit.

My husband and I found other crative ways to be alone together, snuggle, have sex, whatever. Got a friend to watch baby twice a month so we could go for dinner.

I feel bad for all the couples who only know how to be close and / or intimate during the nighttime hours when in bed.

Co-sleeping is something that a family needs to decide. Where do you get off thinking that it is the women's decision, that the women is depriving the man blah blah blah?

PS: my son sleeps through the night in his own bed now, he is not and never has been "clingy", he is confidant and independant. I am so sick of all the people who says kids who sleep in parents bed end up clingy and insecure for life. Bullsh*t.

I'm a co-sleeping Mom & I get plenty of intimacy with my husband. We still have sex 3-5 times a week.

Sure, our marriage will be around a lot longer than our child will live @ home, but our child will also only be a child once. Our marriage is strong enough to put our child first for a while. Besides, it's kinda fun having to be creative about when & where we'll have sex next.

Well, we don't co-sleep, but when we had an infant, two toddlers, and a kindergartener in the house you could certainly have accused my husband and I of not having much intimacy. An infant will keep you exhausted and occupied for most of the night regardless of where they're sleeping.

Our marriage seems to have survived just fine. I'm sure the co-sleepers' marriages will, too.

edit -- lol, secretso, i'm glad you're having a satisfying sex life with kids, but there's no need to give other people a hard time. people do have different levels of sex drive, and what's important to most young couples in their early 20s is not always equally important at every phase of a decades-long commitment. i've got four kids, and obviously that implies some intimacy, lol. i'm also very happy with my marriage and love nothing better than a "date" with my husband of 13 years (we've been together for almost 20). it's okay if there have been times in my marriage where sex wasn't a priority ... love certainly always has been. and if you wouldn't be happy with a marriage where that ever happened, that's fine, too. it's not as if we have to be married to each other!

I currently co-sleep and it's a decision that was made by both my husband and me, not just me. I plan on stopping when Zeke gets around 7 to 8 months old. AND if my husband has gotten the sleep study done and over with and his snoring is under control, maybe we can start sleeping in the same bed again. (It isn't all about the baby.)

A few months of scattered sex is not called neglect. It would be that way even if the baby was sleeping in his own bed. When you have babies, the first few months is always tough, no matter where the baby sleeps. A good marriage isn't all about sex. There are other ways of satisfying intimacy during those times. Sorry you can't think of any.

I'm guessing you don't have any kids yet or you would've realized how ridiculous this sounds and you would know that a baby slows down sex no matter where they sleep.

Add - Okay, you said it's not all about sex but in your question you stated "all the moms think its great but that is probably becuase they are not as sexually driven as dads are" and I answered accordingly.

If you didn't want defensive answers, you should've left out the assumption that co-sleeping makes wives neglect their husbands and actually asked, "Co-sleeping parents, do you feel that intimacy with your spouse has dropped since co-sleeping?" See, no insults, and no mention of sex. Then I would believe that you were considering all sides.

I have never done it, nor do I plan on it. But I agree with your points. I personally couldn't sleep knowing I may kick, roll over, or suffocate my baby while I'm a sleep. As you also mentioned, when there is another person in bed with you how can the couple cuddle, and be a couple. I don't think "the children come first", I never did growing up. I was told if it was between me and my dad I would lose.( I think it was more "your a result of your relationship, not the center") I think thats one of the big problems today is people put there kids first for 18+ years and once the child moves out the parent get divorced because all communication and connection has been lost for so long. Then the kids end up so spoiled because they have been the center of the universe for so long they don't know how not to be. I'm not saying that co-sleeping causes any of this but parents who would risk there marriage and the babies life just so they can bond, are the kind of parents that would spoil there child beyond belief.

My husband got me a mother's day card this year.

It's got a picture on the front of 3 pairs of feet, peeking out from under some blankets, the middle ones clearly a child's feet. The words on the front say "Lately, I've had the feeling that something's come between us".

The inside says, "I'm cool with that"

<3

Honestly, whenever I hear this said about co-sleeping, I feel kind of sorry for the couple's whose intimacy is limited to only the bedroom and only at night time.

We're creative people and we are on this parenting journey together. We connect in a hundred different ways throughout each day, not only in the bedroom. We are partners in life and both of our lives include parenting right now. And, we're cool with that :D

Edit to add: I don't mean just sex when I say 'intimacy', either. Conversations, laughs, love, one-on-one time, all of that can still happen, anywhere in the house, all day long - not just in the bedroom at night. And, it's GREAT for the kids to actually witness their parents being playful & loving to each other!

And, for secretso... ;-) I'm 43, married 10 years, together 11 yrs, co-sleeping on & off for 8 yrs & we're enjoying private grown-up time (wink, wink) just as often as you. Hope you keep on loving each other & having fun!

My son was concieved while my daughter insisted on co-sleeping with us. When she was in the bed we had to sleep closer together since she took up space. If we really wanted privacy we carried her to her bed.

We don't co-sleep, for the reasons you give and for fear of suffocating or rolling over on him. BUT.... that's just our choice and everyone is entitled to their own and I don't judge or criticize them for it. I will admit that our baby has slept with us 3-4 times. Mostly b/c it was easier to breastfeed but I will admit that I had ulterior motives, I wasn't in the mood... if you know what I mean.

***Edit... for those who do choose to co-sleep... you can always get creative and do things in places other than the bedroom. That's what I would do anyway, lol.

LMAO.....I'd say the ones getting deffensive arent getting any!?!

We made the MISTAKE of co sleeping with our first...and let me tell you it is not that cute to have a 3 yr old kicking you in the butt at night when you'd rather be having fun with the husband! He agrees as well. We won't ever make the co sleeping mistake again!

The bathroom, and kitchen table, and sofa are fun too but......... I like having sex in my nice big king size memory foam bed!!!!

Anyone that says co sleeping isnt a damper on sex is either a liar, or doesnt have sex anyways.

I completely agree with you! People need to listen to the doctors and keep the kids out of their bed!

EDIT** As for the ones saying once you have kids you dont have sex much anyways...that has to suck for you! I know I am having sex AT LEAST a couple times a week.

EDIT AGAIN** As for other forms of intamacy...thats all day everyday when he's home. 6 yrs together and married 4 in August...we surely arent going to start messing things up now by ingoring one another!

Momof4- You make a valid point. I just know that when my husband and I have been together 20 yrs I will be 35...and still wanting to have sex lol. Preferably without anyone else in my bed...I didnt mean offense. I admit I may have come off a little strong,if you look at any of my other answers...I always do.