How to connect with the family who adopted a child under open adoption?

I believe she should contact the family rather than sitting back and waiting to be contacted. It could very well be that these adoptive parents are claiming that she as the mother hasn't kept in touch and doesn't want a relationship.

If that is not the case, I would notify the court and yes, make contact with someone who can get in touch with the family. Tell her to be a polite but very squeaky wheel.

I urge her to try and contact the family themselves if it's possible. There's a chance that her address got moved, or when the child reached age 10, and began to understand some about adoption, without knowing that she was keeping up with the child's life, the confusion might have made it where the child asked for no contact.

One thing to be very careful about is to remember how vulnerable the child is. They are in the early teen stages that can make and break a child's confidence level. Perhaps it'd be good to go through the relative, maybe delivering a good picture of herself, a letter to the child with a little history. By giving any updated medical history, there's a good chance that the information might be passed along easier. Make sure that there's a contact number on the letters she sends.

Very worst case scenario is she gets a restraining order. It's not against the law (and if the adoptive family kept touch for 10 years, I'd bet that they'd be more subtle.)

My mother-in-law and brother-in-law were reunited by a relative who'd known about the adoption. Ironically, my "J" and both the brother he was raised with and the brother who'd been placed had played together in the small town their grandmother lived in, and never knew that they were brothers.

It's a shame it's so hard for adoptive parents and adoptees to get together without the influences of the court.

It depends which State the birth and adoption took place in, each State has different ways of doing things

For example, in New York State your friend would be able to leave updated information with the NY State Adoption Information Registry, no matter what age the child is

I'm surprised that you are amazed that the adopters kept contact for 10 years, if that was what they agreed at the outset and it was a condition of your friend being kind enough to allow them to become parents! What a shame they slammed the door on her, that happens alot and it's sad.

If you edit your question to explain which State you are referring to, you will get more specific answers relating to the rules of that State

Hi Chrissy,

Adoptive parents need to keep their promises, those that don't make the rest of us look bad. That said............

Kill them with kindness, is my approach to most messy situations. If she knows their name, then send a certified letter with no return address or name on the envelope. The certified letter must be signed on receipt so your friend will know if they received the letter. Inside the letter, I would simply state her current name and address. She could state how wonderful it was to receive updates on her daughter. She could also say that she just wanted to keep them informed with her new information.

There is an outside chance, that even if the adoptive parents don't share this information with the child now...........someday they will. Especially, if the child decides to search.

I would contact anyone who knew the family but not say what its in regards to. Just say that she used to know them and wanted their address to drop them a line.

That is what my first attempt would be. I wish her luck and I am so sorry she was cut out of her daughters life.

She should contact the family or someone who knows the family. If they kept the adoption open for 10 years, that means something changed that made them change their minds. One thing my daughters mother and I agreed upon was that we had to agree upfront if that if it was open--that meant that neither of us had the option of falling off of the face of the earth. If we needed space we had to say so.

In the first three months or so, there were SO many emotions that we both decided to limit our interactions to emails for a short while for the emotional sanity for both of us--she said she wanted to so she could try to heal and it was a relief to me truth be told so I could bond with our daughter. We both understood that neither of us were running from our commitments, but the emotions were just too raw. One of the items we both experienced unexpectedly was how much she (our daughters mother) and I would bond and frankly it made it incredibly hard on both of us as odd as that might sound. I wanted to mother her, help her and I felt incredibly guilty for every moment I fell in love more and more with our daughter. I cried every day and I know she did. We shared many items that helped us both understand that we are both going to ebb and flow in this relationship. I don't know how to describe it but I know we both feel like we are family--who knew?

She agreed that if she went dark that meant there was no suddenly popping back in as it was just going to be too hard on our daughter-especially as she gets older. She has left all of her info, family info with birth dates etc and has said once we reach 1 year that she wants to hold of getting updates until she contact us which I will respect. I still feel strongly and we've talked about this--that really does mean she can't pop in when our daughter is teenaged etc. That age is hard enough.

I know other adoptive parents who have open communications. I imagine that it must be incredibly hard on the first mothers and lives change. I don't agree with this--but I do know adoptive parents who have supplied info for years either directly or through the agency who have never heard back or had packages picked up at the agency who have stopped delivering updates, photos etc.

It is complex...but both parties need to talk if something changes. Period. It just isn't fair for either party to disappear.

try the family court that handled the adoption and see if she can update info there. Then have her get registered here http://www.isrr.net/

for future contacts. That's all I can think of.