wrote it this morning. tell me what you think. complete honesty gets you ten free points.?

I almost don't grasp the concept of the poem. Like they said, its an okay beginners poem, but it lacks refinement enough to condemn. instead of understanding your poem, i felt more confused. I think the main ingredient your lacking is conviction, i dont feel like this topic sets your soul on fire (in a good way). I feel like you wrote it to be coy instead of to show the err of humanity.

keep trying tho.

Wrong category, and as far as the poem..

I felt like you were forcing the rhyme over forcing the point of the poem. The rhyming was also very bland.. one syllable words with little color or real description.

The rhythm is awkward, frequently adding or skipping one syllable (adds oral confusion), with the only real "down beat" coming on the last word of the line. When reading & writing poetry, you should only stop when there's punctuation. This adds further confusion to the overall rhythm.

And then content-wise. The topic is dismal, so maybe you wanted it to sound plain. I think it's just full of dull phrases that we've heard a million times "Rivers run red" "blood that is shed" "that's what they say".. mediocre at best.

One thing I'd mention is that you should be careful to use you, your, and their because it's hard to keep track of who you're talking about or how many groups you have. You also use "we" and then "I". You never name or define who these people are or the groups are, which, I understand could be anybody, but it adds to confusion.

Overall, I'd say is less than mediocre. Confusing, unclear, and no real imagery or rhythm or rhyme to hold it together.

you should post this in the poetry section btw...

as for the poem

(im not much of a critique)

I think its quite good but there are a FEW awkward parts..but like it has a good message...

try posting it at teenagewriters.com?

it relatively is style of f*cked up. it is variety of offensive ok, there is that this hispanic, a african american, and an American. they stayed at a farmer's homestead who had a warm, attractive daugter, who has to stay in her room each and every time they are there. so as that evening the farmer's instructed the lads" You men sleep down right here, and my daughter's in her room UPSTAIRS, yet i circulate to place popcor on the stairs." So in the event that they walk up the stairs the popcorn will crack or get overwhelmed so the farmer pays attention and are available beat the crap out of them. That evening the hispanic guy glided by potential of the stairs and peed on each and all the popcorn laying on the floor. It have been given comfortable so while he went up stairs it did not make a valid, and f*cked the teenager. while he went returned downstairs he instructed the different men, "Oh, guy that replaced into sturdy, yo men could try it." The African american went and peed on the popcorn, f*cked the teenager and went returned downstairs, and mentioned, "Oh that replaced into great! between the perfect. have not had any in certainly one of those long term." He turns to the yank and mentioned, "guy, circulate try it" while the yank got here returned he mentioned, "guy, that replaced into soooo sturdy. It replaced into the perfect and comfortable. And soo buttery. it in basic terms soften in my mouth" The hispanic and african american asked on the comparable time with extensive smile on their face, waiting to pay attention his "sturdy time". "So what ensue?" "I licked it, then rub it on my lips and ate it. It replaced into some delious popcorn" then it is the way it ends

Hmm. In terms of content, I endorse the atheism but not the pessimism. In terms of the verse, well, let's just say, don't give up your day job.

Your poetry is amazing. Personally, I dont like the God part you through in there, but thats just me.

EXCELLENT. Maybe "We wage war on your brothers." Instead "We wage war on our brothers." A good beginners poem.

good poem but way too negative

"name heard so vast"? I don't understand. How about one you'll see last or something like that?

Definitely better than I could do.