Should we sever email ties with our toddler daughter's birthmother/her parents? It's a unique, yet cliche situ?

You do have to put the safety of your child first. No matter what people might think this isn't the average "come round for coffee and have a girly talk" kinda relationship. It has different dynamics and very personal complexities that few people can truly understand besides yourselves. Saying you all become close in 3 months on an emotional rollercoster is unrealistic thinking. You all had an objective and a bond formed because of the baby, not because you all wanted to be buddies in the first place. To much too soon.

Be clear on your facts with anything legal, it seems like you have tried to do everything the right way.

Is there a way you could draw up an open adoption plan that asks for personal privacy of your home. (including her space too.) Organise visits in a park and set some clear boundaries between you that should have been there from the beginning. No relationship survives well without people knowing what to expect from it.

If this doesn't work you might need to cool it for a while, send letter and photo's through the agency so she has some idea of how your daughters going.

But its not up to you to help her if she has this disorder your talking about, its up to her own family to do that and herself. (That's a boundary.) Its not to say you can't feel for her, just don't try and "fix" her, its not your place to become emotionally involved to that level and can do more damage than good.

I agree that she's obviously been through a lot, but it doesn't excuse dangerous behaviour either. (Because a person is depressed and had been through hell recently does that mean it was okay for him/her to walk into their work place and shoot people...nope.) See what I mean...

Things like gifts...be polite, say thank you... put them away for your daughter in the future.

Some of this your going to have ride it through.

If she feels threatened then organise a meeting with her and a neutral 3rd party to witness the meeting and what was said and agreed upon. That will make it less of threat to her if she fears you closing her off completely. Be diffusing this fear, you might just reduce the stress this is putting on all of you. Then take it from there.

Thats all I can come up with that might help you.

All the best!

I think what you're doing is right, you should cut ties with her. Sadly that's what happens sometimes when you try to be nice and let things slide in the beginning, it can end with hurt feelings on both sides. However, from what you've described, it sounds as though you have followed through on your part and I wouldn't worry about any legal issues or threats coming from her. I would however be careful with the fact that she knows where you live and also the fact that she seems a little mentally unstable (and if not mentally unstable it's quite obvious she's not dealing with the outcome of you're agreements). That could be a potential nightmare. If anything continues after you severe contact with her such as visits, drive-by's, or unwanted gifts, I would most certainly get an order of protection or restraining order against her not only for yourself and your husband but for the child as well. I sincerly hope that everything works out for you and your new family and congratulations on your baby. :-) Best of luck.

I don't think it sounds like "your" birthmother is a danger at all, at least from what you describe. It sounds like she is grieving and feels manipulated. You say you all were very close before the birth, and now you seem to expect a lot more distance, and it seems like that is making her feel used, and that is perfectly understandable. Yours and hers are often the feeling that end up happening in pre-birth matching situations. It's why so many feel it's not ethical. If for some REAL reason you think she is a physical threat to your daughter, by all means keep your daughter safe and physically away from her. There is absolutely NO reason to stop email and photos - EVER. I agree with Jennifer, it sounds like this is a mother that is finding she wants more openness than she first thought. Maybe that could happen and you could all have the "beautiful" relationship you desire.

Let's start with a basic fact of life that the adoption agency glossed over when they told you how wonderful being adoptive parents was going to be. In order to get 'M' to give her baby up, some one had to convince her that that the pain of being separated from HER baby would be bearable. She may very well have played right into the adoption agency's hand and bought it hook line and sinker, as you probably did as well. Both you and M were acting in very selfish ways; you wanted a baby and she thought she didn't want one. Research on the level of grieving experienced by relinquishing mothers is on a scale with death of a child. M is hurting, badly. And since you have a somewhat open adoption, she will have a harder time getting closure (another thing the agency didn't tell either of you. Adoption agencies sell birthmothers on open adoption because it seems like it will be easier.) Although some of M's behavior _may_ be unusual, the emotions she is experiencing most definitely are not. (I think your view that it is rare is probably based on faulty information as well.)

Although a court has created the legal fiction that you are the child's parents, it is exactly that, a legal fiction. The adoption decree doesn't wave a magic wand and dissolve the emotional bond between the child and her mother. Although it would be nice if you could just make M go away and pretend she doesn't exist, pretend that you gave birth to your daughter; that she is your biological child, the reality is that your adopted daughter has another mother. The truth is that, wittingly or otherwise, you have hurt this woman, and truth to be told, you have probably hurt the child as well. The adoption fairy tale you wanted, and that the agency didn't dissuade you from, has turned into an ugly reality.

I would suggest that you work with M and allow her, and her mother, to have some contact with her child. But I would recommend that you set and enforce boundaries that are in the best interests of the child. Perhaps you could set a condition that she get some counseling. Not the deal you bought into, but you have to play the hand you've been dealt; something about making lemonade from the lemons comes to mind as well. All of you can grow from this experience if you choose to make it a growth experience rather than an unresolvable conflict.

Have you thought about just meeting her at Starbucks or something and sitting down and really talking with her? It sounds as if she may just need someone to listen to her. Maybe you can help her sort out some of those feelings. She may need some true counseling or possibly even psychiatric help - it would be completely normal for a young woman in her situation - even if she feels like it was the right decision for her and the baby, of course it hurts.

If she wants you to be the sounding board forever and always, that isn't healthy for anyone, because let's face it, everyone in an adoption scenario has a different perspective that will bias them to some extent. But perhaps you can help her find a neutral party to listen.

I'm sure she has torn feelings no matter what, and it sounds as if her mom may not be helping her resolve them. She may be exacerbating some of it, and M may be looking to you to be a mom figure to her as well.

From what you said, it doesn't sound really dangerous or anything. However, it certainly seems unhealthy. You promised openness and it sounds as if there was a pretty cozy relationship prior to the baby's birth - she probably feels rejected by you now, also. If you included her in your life previously, you need to keep doing that. Promises were implicit in your behavior, and backing out on them without real justification is not kind. Obviously, should anything escalate into danger, be smart. But otherwise, perhaps you need to have even more compassion for her than you did previously. I suspect that she is pretty alone right now. You cannot be surrogate parents for her, but you can continue to be good people.

Honestly, you are a little beholden to her, the woman who gave you her child. She did a totally selfless thing. She gave you something that she probably wanted very much, but also knew she couldn't keep. Why would you not want to welcome this person into your life? What does it hurt to accept gifts, or to send pictures and updates? I could see why you would want a little time to adjust to being a parent to your daughter. But think 19 years into the future, if your daughter were to become pregnant and decided to go through with the adoption process can you imagine for a second how hard it would be for her, how hard it would be for you to lose a grandchild that your own baby carried inside of her for 9 months? Of course she wants to stay in your life. Staying in your life also means staying in her baby's life.

Think about this most of all: 18 years from now, will you be proud to tell your daughter how you handled things with her birth mother?

To be honest, aside from the lying earlier on, it doesn't sound like she is a danger to your family. She wants more updates and pictures, and she tries to give her child gifts. She may be threatening to sue because she is hurt and lost - she thought that there would be as much contact after the birth as before it, and there isn't. You talk about "loving' her, but you don't want to have her on your facebook where she can see photos and updates. Its fair for her to feel loss, and for you to walk away instead of trying to get her some help is cold hearted - it says "we have the baby, and we decided we don't like what you are doing, so we aren't going to honor the agreement we made with you to get your baby". At best its fraud, at worst its malicious. Its a fear of this that could be making her act so strange. Give her a chance, and try to understand that she is scared and sad. Try to get her to get counciling for her loss and grief, and try to keep her involved in the child's life. Yes, cover you ***. Make notes of what she says and does (driving by your house, her mother's demanding emails) keep everything, in case things go bad - but try to keep an open heart for this poor girl. Cutting her out might increase the behavior you don't like, and it might lead to your child being upset later that you made this choice for everyone based on your discomfort. Cutting ties might be easier for you, but what is easiest is not always what is right.

From what you wrote, I'm struggling to grasp why you're scared or think she's dangerous. Mailing gifts, leaving one on the porch, adding you on facebook - none of that is sinister, as you imply. I would call that pretty normal behaviour.

The only bad things you've said she's done, are lie about you - which is horrible - and send upset/angry emails. She's had a traumatic experience and its understandable if shes finding it hard to cope. You didn't say her emails were threatening.

Borderline Personality Disorder is a very serious thing. IF she has that, then she might be a danger to you. The sperm donor who led to my birth had BPD, and he was very dangerous, and I certainly have never at any point in my life wanted contact with him. When I lived with my bio mother I thought she was the worst mother in the world for not protecting me from, I thought any decent mother would want to get me as far away from him as possible. You're not supposed to remember anything before the age of 3 but I do very clearly, perhaps because it was traumatic.

However there was nothing in your post that suggested BPD. It's possible she has it, but people with no experience of it often misdiagnose it - this agency advocate might not know what shes talking about.

Maybe there's more to it than this, that you haven't written???

hey,

wow, i hope you get to my answer... after reading all those horribly mean ones before mine...

I feel for you, i realy do. What a bad situation to be living with. I'm sorry your family hasn't turned out as perfect as you where wishing... but never forget that beautifull little girl who's life you have enhanced. Good for you!!! =)

now...

I have BPD. really. it's a hard one to get diagnosed and even harder to understand.

From what you have written it does sound to me like it's what she has. Well, it's not a disease or anything, just a messed up way of prossecing things and yes... big time abandonment issues are also part of it. Here's my advice...

I would take a step back. Set limits. Maybe tell her everytime she contacts you is one day longer she will have to wait to hear about "her" kid. I would even go as far as say maybe you should give it a few months, no contact at all. She needs to realize that she IS able to function on her own, that you are not ditching her and that you still love and respect her for what she did for you and that little girl. BPD really sucks when you know you have it but until someone sits her down and really spells it out for her and says look... this behaviour is BPD, this is how YOU do it, but THIS is how the rest of the world does it, and look... it works just as good without the drama and bullcrap attached.

If it's BPD and she's in the middle of an intense episode than it is safer and the right decision to take a big step back.

You need to keep focused on your little girl, not on someone elses drama.

a little while ago i would have never said that... i would have pushed to let her see her kid again. I would have been one of those stupid tweens that answer these and think they know the world and think adoption is a sin or something... but what you have done is an incredible act and to have to deal with someone who has BPD on top of that really sucks for you. No one can understand the disorder unless they either have it or are living with someone with it and they sure as hell won't get how intensly she is feeling things and how incredibly hard it must be on you. Give it time, give it some distance. She'll calm down and tihngs should get better... there's still hope.

and just remember, blood will make you a mother but love is what makes a mommy =)

Adoption is based on loss. Your daughter's other mother is grieving the loss of her child, show her some compassion. Your daughter will thank you when she grows up and knows that you truly put her needs above your own selfish desires to have her to yourself.

And, you might want to try reading a few books. Your idea that a 'beautiful story of love for our daughter" sounds nice in theory, but the experience of being adopted is not all sunshine and roses...it is based on loss.

some books to try:

The Primal Wound

Journey of the Adopted Self

Coming Home to Selft

etc.

Your daughter will also grieve the losses, and if you aren't prepared for this then you do your daughter a terrible disservice.

I'm with Linny - shame on you!

How about communicating authentically with your daughter's first mother or getting some counseling together rather than doing the most insensitive and cruel thing you could do to both your daughter and her mother.

I think you need to grow up, buck up and be honorable.