Reunion as an adoptive parent?

I think it is awesome you realize that this will happen, and Im happy you are asking questions.

I think it is really important for adoptive parents to just step back and not be involved, unless your child asks you to be involved. (I am assuming you live in an area where the child needs to be 18 or older.)

Sure, it's ok to ask questions, that's only natural. I would have loved for my parents to say, "Hey- just know we will be as involved as you want us to be. We know this is important to you, and if we can help, let us know." I think it's important to start discussing reunion when the child is very young, so it becomes a normal conversation, because it's part of their story and it is very likely to happen. I think things like, "Hey, I wonder if your first Mom plays the piano (or whatever hobby your child has) it will be cool to find that out some day." are really positive. But- if you're in a somewhat open adoption, she probably knows some things. I think you get my point though, lol.

Other than a few posters here, I have never met or talked to an adoptee who DIDN'T want to search. And, they dont usually bring it up with their adoptive parents until after the fact. I think it's mostly because they are afraid of hurting their parents, and afraid of possible rejection by their n p's.

Reunion is an extremely private and personal thing, between a first Mom and her child. As much as I love my A Mom, there are things she does not need to know about how I feel about my first family, or the feelings I had during my search. It was my search, and it was full of self discovery. "Self", being the key word, lol. Then it became MY relationship, just as my relationship with my husband is MY relationship.

So, while I think it's important that adoptees know their parents support them, there is a fine line. It sounds like you know it will happen, and your daughter may include you in the process. I think it's ok to ask questions. As long as you make it about her needs, and it sounds like that's what you are doing, it will make it easier on her.

Good job! :)

ETA for Emma: You wrote, "I wish my family had not made me feel like I had to justify my feelings or logically argue my point to them."

God, I could have written this myself, but couldn't find the right words. Thanks for that- so brilliantly and simply stated!!!

I'm coming at your question from a different experience as an adoptive parent, but some of your thoughts ring very familiar. We have an open adoption, so there's not a reunion per se, but an ongoing relationship.

My daughter will turn 11 in just a few weeks and I'm watching her understanding and emotions change on a daily basis. A few years ago I felt as though I was the one nudging both her and her natural mother to stay in contact. When her natural mother was on the phone, I'd say "Hey J, K is on the phone, want to talk?" Only to find out she really didn't want to. (God forbid we interrupt her on the Wii ;-)

Then I realized I was going about this all wrong. The right thing to do was keep the door open and let both of them know they could walk through it whenever they wanted. Enter Facebook. I bent the age rules and set up an account for my daughter and helped her make her natural mother, aunts, cousins and siblings her friends. Now she can communicate with them whenever she wants and vice versa. I keep a high-level view of what's going on, but I basically I butt out.

Have you considered not waiting until she's older, but starting a reunion with her natural family now? Perhaps something as simple as Facebook or e-mails may help pave the way for an ongoing relationship and set a supportive course for the future.

I can't answer for your situation of course, but I can speak to what I would have wanted.

From the day that I was placed in my grandparent's care, the idea was the someday I would re-connect with my natural parents. My connection with my bio mother has been somewhat strange because the family relationship was weirdly wired (if your grandparents are your parents, what exactly is that?) My grandfather (my pops) ended up serving as a bit of a referee between us, but it was all ok for the most part. I was nearly 18 and off to college soon thereafter. It was strange, but at least it was a relationship.

Things changed when my brother decided to reconnect with our father when he was 18. I am almost 3 years older and I was in college at the time. His reunion was not great, but it was stable and he was feeling a great amount of relief from the connection. The assumption was that if it was a good thing for him, it would be a good thing for me. That's what was particularly hard. It made me feel like I was a failure because my reunion wasn't a "good" one. It also set me up to be abandoned repeatedly by my bio father.

I wish that I would have had the freedom to choose without feeling that my fate was somehow lying in the balance. I would have liked the information to seek out in my own time. I think I would have eventually sought him out. I think the reunion would have still been ended, but I would not have felt powerless.

Please let her know that you are prepared to give her the financial and emotional help she needs to do this in her time and in her way. I would have liked to spend time with a therapist to get the the heart of several things before a reunion was attempted. Firstly, what exactly I wanted from a reunion. I know now that I never wanted or needed an ongoing relationship with him, but it would have been nice to ask him some questions even if he never answered. I would have liked to prepare myself for the stress that a change in life brings (either positive or negative). I would have liked to talk to someone about the separation between my relationship with my parents and my relationship with my bio parents. A therapist *before* the reunion would have been ideal--alas, mine came after.

I'm sure that it will be an entirely surreal experience for her that she will not necessarily be able to put into words. I wish my family had not made me feel like I had to justify my feelings or logically argue my point to them.

I guess my answer seems a bit preachy--I don't intend it that way. Ultimately, each person's reunion is so very personal that I'm not sure any specific advice would be appropriate, except telling her that you will give her the financial, emotional and other support she needs when (or if) she chooses a reunion and that the support will continue no matter the outcome of the reunion. Oh, and I would have liked to be told that I did not need to do anything to "earn" love. While I knew this in my head, the emotional toll of this took me out of that headspace and a reminder would have been great. :)

You could say due to modern local open adoption we have been in reunion since the first day we were placed with our child. There is no keeping us all seperate. In that our kids don't get a choice due to reforms WANTED by natural parents and some adult adoptee's. This is done regardless of how adoptive parents might feel about it. The openess is determined by the natural mother. (Well at least in my country it is...)So, if the next generation of adoptee's don't like us all mixing....we thay can always blame the new reforms.

I think about this a lot, too. My girls are 4 and 2 1/2 and know they are adopted, but don't quite understand what that means yet!

Our situation is a little different... my 4 yr old is actually my niece. She was taken by the state from my half brother and his girlfriend. They had drug and drinking problems. We adopted her and then the mother got pregnant again and they ended up taking that baby as well. We have officially adopted them both.

We have a closed adoption- that's usually what happens when you adopt a foster child. It is up to us whether or not the biological parents are involved. I have told them both that if they stay clean and out of trouble, I will let them be involved- but they are not nearly stable enough to introduce themselves as the parents. They will be introduced as a friend and an uncle- and that's ONLY if they can get on the right track. I won't have my children hanging out with people who are drug addicts and are wanted by the police.

The same will apply as my girls get older. I will tell them what they ask about (based on their age and what they can handle), but I will not encourage a relationship with the birth parents if they are still drug addicts!

I would love for them to meet their parents someday (although we don't know who the father of my youngest is)--- but not if it'll be a negative to their lives.

Like GypsyWinter said:

"Honestly, I don't believe it is for adoptive parents to 'navigate' about, around, or within a reunion between what usually is an adult adoptee and their natural mother/parents/sibs/etc. To 'navigate' positively your personal *relationship* (as mother and adult child) with the adult adoptee who is in reunion..absolutely. But the fact remains...a reunion is between the 2 people who were separated from birth or early childhood..the adult adopted as a child and the nmother/nparents/etc"

Do you let her make all of her other friends for herself, or do you push those? If you do push those, then yes, you're gonna have to realise you don't own your daughter, but if you do do that... while this is vastly different, it's still also very much the same. These are new people in her life who are just that, new people in her life. She needs to be able to decide how she feels about them for herself. Same as any other time she meets new people in her life. While there's the massive difference of genetic mirroring involved, it really is just trying to figure out how to fit new people into your life, or even if you want to.

Let her drive it. Don't push it, but when (if) she raises the subject, just be there for her, like you'd want to be for her boy troubles, and her career woes.

She's still your daughter, and if you treat her as well as your question indicates you're trying to, she'll still be your daughter after she's met them again.

It's difficult trying to find the a balance, knowing that it does pain my mom somewhat to hear about some of it, but I need her to hear about some of it because I need her to know that I know she's still there.

Hopefully that's made some sense.

Good luck.

u should be nice to them but stay out of it overall. the first mother might not want to have anything to do with u. but if she wants to be friends then be friends. i think since it is an international thing u should reach out to them and try to be friends but dont be offended if they hate u. my younger brother has an open-adoption and my aparents are really good friends with his first mom now and they have always had a nice relationship. my aparents did not ever talk to my first mom bc i had a closed adoption. my first mom hates both of my aparents and she is very close-minded so i dont think they can ever be friends. my aparents arent sure what to do but they are staying out of it. my situation is really uncomfortable but i guess things are better seperate. i hope ur daughters case is less stressful than mine.

Erin...your question is pretty good and I can see that you do want to be supportive of your adopted child, should she reunite in the future. Still this is the one sentence that struck a wrong chord with me (a former surrendering mother in reunion for over 10 years).. and more than likely I am misinterpreting, still I will say this..." Just thinking about navigating reunion as an adoptive parent"... Honestly, I don't believe it is for adoptive parents to 'navigate' about, around, or within a reunion between what usually is an adult adoptee and their natural mother/parents/sibs/etc. To 'navigate' positively your personal *relationship* (as mother and adult child) with the adult adoptee who is in reunion..absolutely. But the fact remains...a reunion is between the 2 people who were separated from birth or early childhood..the adult adopted as a child and the nmother/nparents/etc. Should your daughter reunite in the future, let her talk and you listen, listen, listen...and just like we nmothers most times have to take our cues from our now adult children when we reunite, I would also suggest the same for any aparent whose adopted adult child is in either search mode or in reunion. Let your adult adoptee set the pace in regards to any conversations about her/his reunion and please no matter what your adult adoptee says....No Judgement Calls! Even if your adult adoptee speaks in anger about his/her surrender, adoption and now reunion. Just be there for your adult child, like any mother/father would be for any other life-changing event in their life...reunion probably being one of the most life-changing ones, for both adult adoptee and nmother/nparents...especially if the adoption was closed or never any contact with the natural mother/nfamily for all of the adoptee's growing up years.

I didn't reunite with my daughter's adoptive mother...I never knew this woman in my entire life, nor did the amother reunite with me. I did reunite with my daughter who was separated from me at birth, her natural mother. I *met* her amother for the first time in my life, a year after I found my daughter. And my daughter never wanted us (me & her amother) to get chummy, chummy...she told me it would have made her "very uncomfortable". Me too!! Her amother and I are like most *in-laws*, friendly & polite when we see each other at a gathering in my daughter's home, hug and a kiss on the cheek...speaking pleasantries and when we part company....Nice to see you again...Bye-Bye. Most importantly...keeps the peace between me and my daughter. And I intend to keep it that way.