Catch 22 with my husband and nothing changes?

Question

I've tried talking to my husband numerous times regarding how I feel I don't get much support from him at home. I work full time and he works part time and I think that has bearing on how much he should be able to do during the day. The issue is that he doesn't do anything really. He'll do the dishes occasionally and take out the trash when it's overflowing but more often than not I have to ask him for help with these. If I ask him to do something he doesn't want to do he'll tell me that he'll do it and then will procrastinate for weeks. When I ask why he doesn't take responsibility for helping around the house and participating more when it comes to our daughter he says that I don't "let" him take responsibility. I do tend to override him on decisions when it comes to money or household stuff - because I'm the one that has to bear the brunt for responsibility for everything. How can I make him understand that when the portable air conditioner needs to be put in storage, or there's a dirty dish on the counter and I've already left for work I expect him to TAKE responsibilty for it because he is a part of a family and that kind of stuff is EXPECTED? Ever since I returned from deployment 3 years ago he's been like this. He's been diagnosed with depression and I can understand that he's been diagnosed but it's been 3 YEARS and he's not proactive with his doc. I can't understand if there's something wrong and he won't get it fixed. I feel like he's choosing not to try when he doesn't follow up with his doc. I resent him more and more everyday cause I increasingly feel like a single parent. I don't feel that I'm part of a team at all. I know that both of us need to change cause for right now I'm just the nagging ***** that he lives with but if I don't say something he does nothing and even when I do ask him for help it's about a 50-50 shot that it will happen. I'm at a loss for what to do here. When I talk nothing happens, when I don't talk nothing happens - what the hell am I supposed to do?

Update:

I've been reading some articles online and I've come to the realization that I do need to basically take care of him for awhile. I need to talk to his doctors, make his appointments for him and be the one to take responsibility for awhile until he's able to. I tend to see problems with a "suck it up" mentality. If you have a problem you fix it. I don't think I'm a bully but I am a woman who doesn't understand depression and believes that if you have a problem you need to damn well fix it or adapt and move on. Personal responsibility and a sense of duty is important to me and my husbands lack of these feels like a personal choice that he's made. I have failed my husband in the sense that I should have extended my personal responsibility and sense of duty to him instead of having the mentality that it was his problem to fix.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I'm assuming your active duty military and so let me give you some good advice. I myself am an active duty military spouse who suffered from depression. I lost a family member in 2008 and i went into a deep depression, stopped having sex, stopped cleaning house,etc..etc...My husband got me counseling though www.militaryonesource.com the therapy was free but i still had to see a psychiatrist for antidepressants and medication management. If your husband has been depressed 3 years and has NOT gone to therapy that's part of his issue. He also needs to be taking medication for it daily, the military will pay for all of this so he really has NO excuse. After 1 year of weekly therapy sessions and medication i was able to get my life back together and get off the meds. I am now fully recovered from my depression and certified to be off meds by my psych doctor. You need to push for him to get help, my husband went with me to sessions and helped a lot..Be there for him but stop letting him procrastinate with his disease..Depression is very treatable but he has to go get treatment..

? · Answer

You answered your own question. You 'overriding' him emasculates him as a man. You have to understand how men work and constantly nagging him, making him feel useless and not taking into account his depression are not good. Imagine reading a post from a man saying similar to what you are saying... 

'I come home and take over all my wifes chores because she doesnt do them to my liking, I dont let her make decisions on money because I have to bear the brunt of it all and even though a doctor has diagnosed her with depression I am still going to be a hard *** about the whole thing'

What would you say to that person? That the husband is a bully with no empathy? Thats you.

savage · Answer

I don't think you understand what depression really means how it affects a person.  The reason for it all is because of the depression.  People with depression are more than likely not wanting to get help or continue with help, he probably feels that it will do no good  and is not doing any good.  Its hard to describe what goes through a person's head, especially with a person who is severely depressed.  They tend to keep everything together and do not talk to others about what is bothering them.  They feel that everything they do is useless, or always ask whats the point.  
Believe me, the nagging is not helping one bit either, you need to be consistent with your husband on helping him overcome his depression.  Its not something he will get over by himself, and will likely not seek help if he has to do it by himself.

territorial · Answer

Marriage counselling. Sounds like your hubs needs someone to warn him that if he doesn't get his act together, he's going to cause a divorce.
 
 I know it's alot to ask but if he's depressed, then you guys probably need to take a vacation or go and just live life when you're off, or he needs to talk about his underlying issues.  

Be gentle. The man is depressed. marriage isn't always a happy story. takes alot of work. You gotta help him out.

Anonymous · Answer

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Anonymous · Answer

You need to go to the doctor with your husband to ensure there is follow through.

He is depressed, which means he can't be expected to act normally.

Maybe your deployments flipped him out.

Go to therapy with him too.  Don't assume he will react to his illness the way you think he should.

Peace

spud · Answer

he's DEPRESSED, of course he's not proactive, so...be proactive for him.  go to the doctor with him, ask the doctor questions, get him doing at least better than he is now.

Anonymous · Answer

send him to boot camp, sergeant.

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Catch 22 with my husband and nothing changes?

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