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B&A: Could you please critique this?
Okay, this is part of a story I'm writing at the moment. It's in the middle of the second chapter. Could you give me a little critique on what I could improve, or just a little note to say what you think? I'd appreciate it!
Thanks
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Morning.
Rune woke up early enough to see the beginnings of sunrise through her sky light. She rubbed away the hazy coating of sleep that covered her eyes, yawning as she did so. Her stomach tensed a little as she touched it gently from under a white surgery top. The stitch marks felt bumpy as flesh felt flesh, but there was no real pain. Maybe she panicked too quickly. The after effects of whatever anaesthetic she’d taken had virtually worn off and a calm feeling swept across her.
(i) But still, I just want to know what happened. (i)
She closed her eyes. Being stressed wouldn’t solve anything. The initial shock passed, and all that was left were questions – questions that would never be answered.
“In that case, I’ll have to find out myself.” Rune slipped out of bed and walked slowly, heading towards the large door. She slammed her fists against it three times. Nothing happened. She had a great urge to escape. But that door. That door was blocking her from the world. She spoke in a soft whisper, but was loud enough for the door to hear.
“Why am I always kept in the dark? It’s always been like this. Isolation. Secrets. I can’t take it anymore. I am going to find a way out of here. And when I do, I’ll never come back.” There of course was no reply. The inanimate door didn’t know what it was doing. How could it?
Rune gave a small laugh. A small, timid laugh. But a laugh all the same. She wasn't going to live in fear any more. She was going to be free. There was no question about that. She’d snapped and she wasn't going to let the moment pass. The determined Rune never came around for long.
“But where do I begin?”
That question hit home. She couldn’t merely jump into this mission without a plan. That would be moronic. She knew The Lab wasn't guarded on the inside, but it didn't need to be. Nobody stepped into The Redenal Laboratory; they couldn’t get past the electric fence that circled the perimeter. The task would be impossible unless they were in a possession of a master activation card, and for anyone living outside The Lab, getting one was an inconceivable mission. Even with a standard activation card, when someone was entering The Lab, access had to be granted from the inside by Richard himself.
Oh, my bad! Here's some brief details . . .
The walls are incredibly high, so she couldn't reach them if she tried. There isn't anything in the room that'd give her a chance to escape, plus the windows are thick. It's out the door (and past a few other obstacles) or nothing.
But she's actually there for a medical case and has lived there her whole life. She's been told she couldn't survive outside becasuse the conditions would affect her. After something happens to her, she decides she would rather see the world once than be trapped forever.
Oh, my bad! Here's some brief details . . .
The walls are incredibly high, so she couldn't reach them if she tried. There isn't anything in the room that'd give her a chance to escape, plus the windows are thick. It's out the door (and past a few other obstacles) or nothing.
But she's actually there for a medical case and has lived there her whole life. She's been told she couldn't survive outside becasuse the conditions would affect her. After something happens to her, she decides she would rather see the world once than be trapped forever.
@Momma Mia: anaesthetic is the english spelling of the word. I believe they're both correct. I never realised there were two spellings before. You learn something everyday!
5 Answers
- ★☆ L⁴☆★Lv 610 years agoFavorite Answer
Overall, this is an a bit above average. Keep it up. Here are a few things I noticed:
She rubbed away the hazy coating of sleep that covered her eyes, yawning as she did so. <---I would change this sentence: Yawning, she rubbed away the hazy coating of sleep that covered her eyes.
The after effects of whatever anesthetic <---(I fixed the spelling) she’d taken had virtually worn off and a calm feeling swept across her.
“In that case, I’ll have to find out myself.” Rune slipped out of bed and walked slowly <---(a stronger verb could be used here. Maybe trudged?), heading towards the large door. <---In addition, I would reword this sentence: Rune slipped out of bed and trudged toward the large door.
Rune gave a small laugh. A small, timid laugh. But a laugh all the same. <---I would reformat this sentence as: Rune gave a laugh—a small, timid laugh but a laugh all the same.
Other than that, I see nothing wrong with this passage. Happy writing! (:
- Anonymous10 years ago
I really like it. It's captivating and your grammar/spelling is immaculate. You have a way with words. One thing you want to avoid, though, is moving the story along too quickly. You don't want to overwhelm the reader with too much information. So if she's planning an escape, take your time to describe everything that happens, even if it is a speedy escape.
- Anonymous10 years ago
Quite well-written, but I have no idea what's going on. Needs more background info. Also, if she's being held prisoner in a lab, would they really give her a room with a skylight? Couldn't she find a way to bash through it or something?
- Anonymous10 years ago
If you want critique for your stories, feel free to join the site www.inkyorchard.proboards.com. It's a relatively new forum, and new members are always welcome. You're guaranteed constructive criticism so you can better your skills (once members have joined) which is always constructive and never just short, blunt and nasty answers, the General Discussion will be fun and there's a lot more features coming soon once the site is properly up and running. We just need active members to make the site a great one.
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- 10 years ago
This is extremly well written, just enough details, good simple words to get the idea accross. I can see this Published