Help with opening of my story?

Question

Hi, could you tell me if you think this is a good opening to my story. Its meant to be a science fiction, but its the first time I am attempting the genre so really need help to improve. So also, do you have anyways you think I could improve it.

I'm running. It's all I know. My heart thumping; one, two, one, two. From or too what I don't know. It's like every memory I ever had has evaporated from my thoughts. Underneath my feet I feel rocks stick through my worn... what do you call them? Hat, no that goes on the head. S, it begins with s. Shoes? Yes shoe’s that’s it.

That's when the shouting starts. Unbearable screeches and screams of women and children. Amongst them a dogs yelping. Its torture. The most terrible torture anyone should ever endure.

Then she appears, not in front of me but inside my head. A woman. Smiling holding a new born baby, which is crying its first tears to prove its life. Next to her is a man, much older with greying hair. One of his arms is wrapped around her waist and other tickling the babies’ cheek. Who are they? I have never seen them before, out of all the memories why am I thinking of them. Something rolls down my cheek, it’s wet and cold. Another thing I cannot name. It pulls itself over my, mouth and down onto the dusty ground beneath.

'Bang!' went a gun. Somebody was firing at me. Somewhere my memories, my thoughts were ticking away feeding me only what I needed. They were almost nagging me to run faster, jump over that rock, dodge that grenade. But there was a fault. Out of the blue they stopped. No faster, faster just a buzzing noise.

My legs began to shake. I was sent from one side to another until my stability was lost and I crumbled to the ground.

"We have our runner." I hear as the darkness encroaches on my every sense.

"She's so." Another, I think it’s called a voice comes from the other side of me. I must be surrounded.

"She's so what?" The first spoke, that's it they were speaking. "Major?"

"Human. She's so human." He pointed out, with a lump in his throat. What was a human? Was I a human? I felt another of those wet things run down my face, this time it was fatter and followed by another. A matched set.

Next my feeling went, my arms, legs everything all that was left was my hearing. This due to the loss of my other senses seemed to be more powerful than ever.  I was paralyzed, in a body which was no more mine than it was the voices around me.

"Come on let’s see what your made of." The second finished. The last sounds those ears were to hear. 

Thanks

Morbid Quill · Accepted Answer

I disagree with those who have said that there is no way to make your writing better.  No matter how talented someone is, there is always opportunity for growth.  I have been a writer for more than a decade and a classical piano player for over nine years.  While I am experienced in both abilities, I am not above improvement.  No one should ever consider themselves above improvement at any point in their lives.

That being said, I have found several grammatical errors in your piece.  They are minor and relatively easy to tweak, but they are still important.  I would suggest running your writing through a spell check program - typically, red lines indicate misspelled words whereas green lines indicate grammatical errors.  The mistakes I see in your writing are very common and are bound to happen to every writer - they are small and perilously easy to miss, yet they twinkle brightly in the eye of an experienced reader.

There are a few misplaced apostrophes in your writing, along with a misused "your."  
Remember that "you're" is a contraction of "you are," and "your" indicates possession.  One of your final pieces of dialogue involves a character stating, "Come on let's see what your made of."  By the context, it is evident that you meant to use the contraction term "you're."

In addition, the word "shoe's" in the sentence "Yes, shoe's that's it" includes a misplaced apostrophe.  Apostrophes are used to indicate either contractions or possession (with the exception of "it's" versus "its," where "it's" is a contraction of "it is" while "its" indicates possession).  Keep that in mind.  The correct way to word that sentence would be the following: "Yes, shoes - that's it."

Your vocabulary is moderate.  Admittedly, it isn't astounding, but it isn't poor either.  One of my first suggestions that I absolutely love to give to fellow writers is to read - read as much and as often as you can.  Ignore shallow teen fiction and dive into the classics.  To this day, my favorite books (from most favorite to least) are Frankenstein (Mary Shelley), Brave New World (Aldous Huxley), and The Art of War (Sun Tzu), with Jane Eyre (Charlotte Brontë) coming in fourth place.  All of these books are written poignantly and with either beautiful, flowing eloquence or, in the case of TAOW, infinitely wise advice.  The wording is enough to make a reader's heart soar to new heights - both in knowledge and creativity.

The way you describe your protagonist's surroundings has a mythical feel to it, leaving your readers in suspension.  While having a vague quality to your writing is beneficial, especially at the start of your novel during which your purpose is to reel readers in, I feel the need to warn you against being too vague or too out-of-reach.  Otherwise, you run the risk of your audience drowning in the mystery instead of actually getting the message.  I have struggled with this very thing as I write poetry.

But all and all, this is a fine start to a novel that looks very promising.  Besides a couple of grammar mistakes, this plotline has a lot of potential.  As long as you keep your characters realistic and continue to develop them throughout the book, you could be very successful.  I wish you much luck.

-Morbid Quill

Cam · Answer

I think you are really on to something here. I am really intrigued by the story you have setting into motion, and it invokes old epics (such as Beowulf) in which you are set right in the middle of the action. I am curious as to why this person cannot seem to name anything and who is firing at her. I would love to read the rest of this whenever you complete it. Keep writing it-you have a really good story going.

Kieran · Answer

That's.. Amazing! :O

I can't think of anything to add!... Im hooked already and it's just the beginning!! Be sure to sign me up for a complete copy! :D 

Wow!

Kristina · Answer

I totally love it!!!! the best thing I have ever read in my entire life!!!!

Anonymous · Answer

amazing amzing amzing dont stop no way to make better

Trending News

Help with opening of my story?

5 Answers