I don't want a relationship with my parents... but should I let them see my kids?

I understand this conflict and I also realize that you do not want your kids exposed to the kinds of mean things that were said to you as a child. I have a few comments to offer. (1) Your parents don't sound like the worst possible people, for all their faults, so I would say it is undesirable for you to completely cut yourself off from them. Keep working at the relationship and don't destroy it. (2) It seems (from research I heard about on TV) that grandparents are often quite different with their grandkids than they were with their own children. It's just a different dynamic, so as long as your parents are not significantly abusive, it seems like a good idea to allow them the joy of their grandchildren's company. It should not be detrimental to the kids. (3) Every person has a right to have a relationship with their own family members. This is why it is a shame when, for example, a divorced mother does not let her child see their father, or vice versa. Once they have been deprived of that relationship in childhood, they can never get it back. It was stolen from them because they did not get the choice. Moreover, the custodial parent may have said bad things about the other parent, making the child feel bad about their own father or mother. That is not fair. (4) If you can restrain yourself from saying bad things about your folks to the kids, you can allow them to have their own experience of their grandparents and to freely express themselves about it. After their visits, you can ask them what they did and what did they enjoy. In a relaxed atmosphere, they may be able to tell you if there was anything they did not like about the visit, without prompting from you. Talking with them about their visit is kind of like talking with kids about the TV shows or movies they watch, so there is a chance to discuss any controversial or disturbing things about the film. So if your child says that Grandma told her she is too fat, you can ask her how that made her feel, and then give her some positive mirroring about your love and appreciation for her, saying good things about her appearance so she can feel better about her body just as it is, and also if your child is actually overweight, and is unhappy about it, you can ask her if she'd like to lose some weight and find out how to best help her do that. There would be no need to criticize Grandma, only to say you are sorry that it made her feel bad and that. If you criticize Grandma to her, that is like telling her she is not supposed to enjoy anything about Grandma, in order to please you. So that would set up a conflict, and in my opinion a child should feel free to make choices about family relationships and learn how to deal with unpleasant exchanges, instead of feeling pressured to reject or blame a family member. (5) Lesley Stahl from the CBS Sunday Morning show has written a book called 'Becoming Grandma: The Joys and Science of the New Grandparenting.' There is a segment about it on their website. This could make a nice gift for your mother. I think it might give her some guidance about being a good grandma.

I think you owe it to your kids to have a relationship with their grandparents IF your parents will treat them cordially. If they make any serious negative comments then you'll have to re-evaluate the situation but you'll always know you did your part to let them have time together.

You have a duty as a parent to protect your children. I didn't allow mine to see the grandparents. Too bad if they didn't like it they don't know how to treat people well then it's on them. My priority was my children and their well being. My sibling allowed it and to this day my mother calls her grandson "fat boy" it has had and affect on him and my heart weeps.

Ask yourself this, "Do I want my children to be abused by my parents?"

If you don't, you need to tell your parents, "I will allow you to see my children only if they want to see you. If you tell them they are fat or criticize them or hurt their feelings, you will not be seeing them again. I am their father and I will not allow anyone to abuse them."

Whatever you decide is already pre-written in the Akashic records in the Causal Plane. You, see the illusion of time is merely shifting attention of ONE consciousness to the pre-written sequence of events. Yes, no free will in the worlds of illusion. Free will exists only above the mind, in Sach Kand. In any case, detach from the illusion and you will see things more clearly.

I empathize with your desire to distance yourself from your parents, but you owe it to them to specifically explain why and allow them to correct their behavior. Its completely your prerogative to determine what is and isn't acceptable behavior but you have to give them a chance to prove themselves, especially after they know what is at stake if they fail.

i would let her see them under the condition that she changes her behavior or otherwize she wont be able to