Where do I go from here?

Question

Ok so let me start from the beginning, so that people can make sense of the situation that I currently find myself in:

I have 2 sisters and we were always close  when we were growing up. I'm 3 and 5 years older than they are, and when I attended college they still lived at home. They both moved to another city together and have lived there ever since, and when I graduated university they asked me to move out to their city, which I did. We were all close even then, they both got married and had children, and I didn't! I think that's where the issues between me and them began, and have since snowballed over the years.

Whenever the 5 of us (me, my sisters, there husbands) are in the room, they converse amongst themselves and I'm left out in the cold. When I do try to converse with them, they are very short with me, and then they re-direct things back to themselves.

It usually me who makes the effort with them! It's mostly me who texts them to see if they would like to hang out etc, the only time they will text me is if there is some big get together or on holidays, not much else in between.

I am very close with my nieces and nephews however, and when I do hang with them, I never bring my issues with my sister around them. No matter how deep the divide, I would never walk away from my nieces and nephews.

I have texted them about this and they blame me for everything. I told them that I will no longer be contacting them, and if they want me around they can text.

Pearl · Answer

maybe you should move back then

Anonymous · Answer

"I have texted them about this and they blame me for everything. "

You were doing fine up until this point.  I realize they're hard to get in touch with, but that doesn't change the fact that texting was never meant as a substitute for talking through serious issues.  There seems to be an epidemic of this, and it never ends well because it's not real communication.  The other problem with texting is it's very easy to box yourself into a corner, and that's what you've done here.   You "said" you'd no longer contact them and the ball's in their court.  So on your update when you ask what next, the answer is nothing.  You said you wouldn't contact them and that means you'll look like a fool or liar if you do.  If this had been a real convo, it would not have ended this way.

linkus86 · Answer

You must have skipped over the part about the awful thing your sisters did to you. Based upon your question the only thing I can identify is that they didn't pay enough attention to you to meet your expectations, and you never once spoke up to mention it anytime in your relationships. Oops, I am blaming your for your poor relationship with your sisters, just like they did!

That is the thing. Relationships of any kind have problems and to keep the relationship going you need to put forth the effort to resolve your conflicts. If you don't things will just "snowball" into bigger problems. Sound familiar? So when you do spend time with each other you aren't focused on what the other person (people) has failed you in the past and instead focus on your relationship in the present and future. And it isn't realistic for them to read your mind about a problem you are feeling either.

Where do you go from here? You do what you should have done before. You admit your errors (faults) that you have felt alienated by them since they got married. That you miss the closeness you used to have when you were younger. And that you allowed the anger you have been feeling to grow and become the deep divide that should not exist. You apologize and ask them for help to overcome it all. I bet they have been waiting for you to figure this out for a long time and would welcome the call.

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Where do I go from here?

3 Answers