BRIAN M

Two Jewish men go to a Chinese restaurant. While they're talking, one of them wonders how many jueish people there are in China. They both agree there must be some, but neither is sure how many. When the waiter comes over, they ask him if there are any Chinese Jews. "I don't know" replies the waiter "I ask in kitchen, they will know" The waiter goes to the kitchen, then comes back. "Solly, No Chinese Jews" he says.

"What, no Chinese Jews at all?" "Solly" replies the waiter.

We got Orange Jews, Apple Jews and Grape Jews, but no Chinese Jews.

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Who knows?

None of them will ever trust any of the others to hold the ladder steady.

How many cops does it take to change a light bulb??

Only one but he is never around when you need him.

How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a light bulb?

Eight: One to work the bulb and Seven to make sure Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.

How many search engines does it take to screw in a light bulb?

This page is unavailable.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

The leech will let go when its victim dies.

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man

------------------------

Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.

A team of archaeologists found a slab of rock with 5 figures carved on it, in order:

A Woman, A Donkey, A Shovel, A Fish, A Star of David.

After months of study, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were thousands of years old but even so, they revealed a lot about the people of that time.

The woman being placed first in the line of figures showed that women were held in very high esteem - most likely a family oriented culture.

They probably used the donkey to till the fields.

The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools.

The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea.

The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people.

A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker.

When acknowledged he said, "I'm sorry to blow your conclusions but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left.

That way it reads, "Holy Mackerel, Dig the *** on that Chick!"

1. Doctor.

2. Dentist

3. Coal man.

4. Decorator.

5. Bank manager.

A Doctor says to take off your clothes.

A Dentist says open wide.

A Coal man asks "where do you want it, front or back?"

A Decorator says "how do you like it now that it's up?"

A Bank manager says "don't take it out you'll lose interest"!

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.

SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:

Special High Intensity Training (****). We take pride in the amount of **** our employees receive. We have given our employees more **** than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough **** on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the **** you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

Ed and Ted went to the fair. They came across a small crowd gathered around a stall and went over to take a look. "What's going on?" Ed asked one of the crowd.

"We're watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine," he said nodding towards a fearsome looking machine. "Nobody has managed to stay on for the full three minutes yet. And there's a prize of $1000 for anybody who can.

"I can do that!" Ed said confidently.

"No you can't," said Ted.

"I sure as hell can!" said Ed.

"You'll get yourself killed if you try and ride that monster," said Ted.

"Watch this," said Ed and climbed aboard the bronco machine.

The machine thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to side, around in circles but still a grim-faced Ed clung to its back. After two minutes the machine was bucking almost vertically and spinning until Ed was a blur. But when the three minutes were up Ed was still on the machine's back acknowledging the cheers and cries from the small crowd.

He dismounted, collected his winnings and rejoined Ted. "Where in hell did you learn to ride a bucking bronco like that!?" Ted asked.

"Remember three months ago," Ed said...

"When my wife had whooping cough...?"

One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the following Sunday. "9.30 okay?"

George said, "Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me."

The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that he played left-handed and beat them.

They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9.30. George again said, "Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me."

The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he played right-handed and beat them again. "Okay, for 9.30 next Sunday?" one of the foursome asked. George said, "Sure if I'm ten minutes late"

Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute, You always say you may be ten minutes late. But you're always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed."

George said, "Well, that's true, I'm superstitious. If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed."

"What if she's lying on her back?"

George said, "That's when I'm ten minutes late!"

Personality test

Think about this one before you answer.

There is a very, very tall coconut tree, and there are 4

animals passing by:

King Kong, Ape, Orang-utan and a Monkey

They have a competition to see who is the fastest to get the

banana. Who do you guess will win? Your answer will reflect

your personality. Try and answer within 30 seconds

Got your answer? Scroll down to see the analysis.

If your answer is .... Then your personality is…

Orang-utan = Dumb

Ape = Foolish

Monkey = Idiotic

King Kong = Stupid

Why?????

A Coconut tree ........ Doesn’t have bananas!!

It's obvious you're stressed by your work. Go home!

A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."

"Yeah what happened?" asked his friend.

The first guy replies, "Well, er, I got my p*nis stuck in the neck of the bottle."

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes -- that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM - she's the richest woman in the world!

Then the frog inquired about her third wish and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up

to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my

wife.'

'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.

'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'

'Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable.

'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four

types of bras to choose.'

Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:

'There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?'

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple... '

The Catholic type supports the masses.

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and

The Baptist makes mountains out of molehills.

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...

{B} Barely there.

{C} Can’t Complain!

{D} Dang!

{DD} Double dang!

{E} Enormous!

{F} Fake.

{G} Get a Reduction.

{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

They forgot the German bra. Holtzemfromfloppen

Three guys, one Navy, one Army and one Royal Marine are taking the test to join the SAS. They have all passed the mental and physical sectinos and are down to the final interview.

Guy from the Navy walks in to be confronted by the SAS Head Shed who gives him a gun and says, "There are 6 bullets in that, your wife is upstairs, go up and kill her".

The guy disappears but comes back 2 minutes later to say,

"Sorry I really want to be in the SAS but she's my wife and I love her"

"Sorry" says Head Shed,"But if you can't take orders, we don't want you"

Guy from Army walks in and the same thing happens, he gets the gun and is told to go upstairs and kill his wife, but also can't do it, so is told to thin out.

The Marine walks in and is given the gun. Off he goes and suddenly 6 shots ring out from upstairs, followed by an almighty commotion, and 10 minutes later he walks back into the room drenched in sweat.

He looks at the Head Shed and chucks the gun at him saying, "You bastard, they were blanks, I had to strangle the *****!!!"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying

to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just

think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up

and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's

a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the

teacher; ...she's dead."

Q: Why can you never trust a woman?

A: How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and does not die?

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the Vicar with an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you £100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out."

He passed the Vicar £100 and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged.

When it comes time for the groom's vows, the Vicar looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "I do."

The groom leaned toward the Vicar and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The Vicar put the £100 into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

Women are clever

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes -- that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM - she's the richest woman in the world!

Then the frog inquired about her third wish and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.

' 'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be if you've been married ten times?'

'Well, Husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband#10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was.... God! I miss him!!!

But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!'

'Good,' said the lawyer, 'but, why?'

'Duh! You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!'

NEWS FLASH!!!

Scientists have discovered intelligent DNA in some women. Unfortunatley 95% of them spat it out!

In this life I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear.

When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear,everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. Yup...gonna be a bear