vixen xx

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A: The grip.

Q: How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?

A: It's not hard

Q: How is a woman like a cond om?

A: Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your di ck.

Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

A: Because anyone who can run, jump or swim is already in America.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: About 45lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband.

A: 45 minutes.

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?

A: Sexual harassment.

Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?

A: $5 a minute.

Q: How are women and rocks alike?

A: You skip across the flat ones.

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming..."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded, and a little hurt, she asked, "My ears? Look at these bre @sts, they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My but is firm and solid!

A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core por nographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check.

After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the form of a company check.

However, due to the name of the company, few people ever bother to present these to their banks. The name of the company: 'The A nal Se x and Fetish Perversion Company.'

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to the bedroom, where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that brass gong for?" asked the friend.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? How's it work?"

"Watch this," said the drunk. He took a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and waited. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "Hey, you jerk. It's 3:00 in the morning!"

Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else seems to think that they're jokes.

does anyone know that i have a bus in my bedroom...being deadly serious

xx

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, won't eat it if they know what it is - so does not tell them

His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner?"

"You'll see", says his dad. They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating.

"Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint: Its what your mother sometimes calls me."

The girl suddenly screams at her little brother, "Spit it out! It's a$ $ hole!"

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying "T-G-I-F".

He smiled at her and replied "S- H-I- T".

She looked at him, puzzled, and said "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering "S- H-I- T".

The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possible, "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H -I- T".

The blonde finally decided to explain things and this time she said

"T-G-I-F........... T-hank G-oodness I-ts F-riday; get it?"

The man answered, "S-orry H-oney, I-ts T-hursday"

The blonde sits down before the eye doctor explaining she's losing her sight. He sets up the eye chart, but she tells him she can't even see it.

"Well, he asks, "can you count the number of diplomas on the wall?"

"No," she responds, "too blurry."

So he unzips his fly and pulls out his pecker and asks, "can you see this?"

"Yes," she replies, "that's your pe nis!"

"I knew it," says the Doc, "you're coc keyed!"

6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.

5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.

4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".

And the number one reason computers are female...

1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it!

Little Johnny's parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their son's behavior. His mother had heard that a priest in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if they should send Little Johnny to speak with the priest.

The husband said, "We might as well... we need to do something before I really lose my temper!"

The priest agreed to speak with Little Johnny. The priest sat him down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

Little Johnny made no response, so the priest repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again, Little Johnny made no attempt to answer, so the priest raised his voice again and shook his finger in the boy's face, "Where is God?"

A frightened Little Johnny ran out of the room and directly home to his bedroom, where he slammed himself in the closet.

Little Johnny's mother followed him into the closet and asked, "What happened?"

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for an al se x, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea.

The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"

She said that she did.

He asked, "Does it hurt you?"

She said no.

The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice ana l se x, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from ana l s ex?"

The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"

*(sorry if any lawyers reading)*

last blonde joke, i promise...

Two blondes were in a darkened theatre. One whispers to the other, "The guy next to me is jerking off."

"Just ignore him," her friend said.

"I can't," replied the first woman. "He's using my hand."

A blonde pulls in her driveway and walk into her house. She smells smoke as she opens the door and realizes her house is on fire. She grabs the phone and dials 911 to call the fire department to report the fire.

The operator on the other end answers and the blonde screams frantically, "Help, my house is on fire!"

The operator tries to calm the blonde and asks her what her address is. The blonde says, "123 Oak Street, please hurry!"

The operator then asks the blonde, "How do we get there?"

The blonde replies, "DUH, in a big red truck!"

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My p enis died today."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she says to Mr. Goldstein, "please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his p enis hanging out of his pyjamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "I thought you told me your p enis had died?"

"It did," he replied. "Today's the viewing."

After the baby was born, the panicked Japanese father went to see the obstetrician.

"Doctor," he said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense" the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "We're pure Asian."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month."

"There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It's just rust."

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her br e@ sts.

A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

"Why, officer?" asks the blonde.

"Because your blouse is open and your br e @ st is exposed."

"Oh my goodness," exclaims the blonde, "I left my baby on the bus!"

bit lame i know but here goes....

Little Johnny's parents had tried everything to help his math grade: tutors, flash cards, "Hooked on Math," special learning centers, everything. Finally, they enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

The very first day, he came home with a very serious look on his face, went straight to his room, and started studying. His mother was amazed. Books and paper were spread out everywhere and Little Johnny was hard at work.

As soon as dinner was through, he marched right back up to his room without a word and studied some more.

This went on for weeks until Little Johnny proudly brought home his report card and showed it to his parents: an A in Math!

"Johnny! This is great! I'm so proud of you! Son, what was it? What helped motivate you? Was it the nuns?" Little Johnny shook his head.

"Well, then, was it the books? The discipline? The structure? The uniforms? What?"

The teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'Fascinate'."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her b 0 0 bs are so big she can only fasten 8."