randy_plrm

Recently a woman who was madly in love with her boyfriend killed her own 4 year old daughter. If God were merciful and "so good" why did he not prevent this from happening?

All other factors being equal, which of the below would get your vote for President?

1. Catholic

2. Baptist

3. Mormon

4. Atheist

All other qualifications being equal, which of these candidates

would you vote for?

1. Catholic

2. Baptist

3. Mormon

4. Atheist

When I look at my thumbnails as I hold them alongside one another I notice that the right thumbnail is about one third larger than the left. I am right-handed. Has anyone else noticed the same thing? If so tell me if you are right or left handed. Thanks.

I have never had a digital hearing aid before but I am considering buying one. In the past a particularly good and durable non-digital aid that I have had was a Starkey. So I am thinking that maybe I should stick with that brand. But someone has told me that Starkey's digital aid left a lot to be desired in terms of performance and durability. I would appreciate getting comments about that brand as well as others concerning your experience along these lines. Thanks.

Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit; a small

can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."

Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"

The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other

ball blue. If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see," you hit her with the shovel.'

I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my

picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew that I

was not speeding.

Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving

even more slowly, but again the camera flashed .

I tried a third and fourth time with the same result.

Now I began to think

that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area

once more, but the traffic camera flashed for the fifth time with the same

results and I was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past

at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat

belt .

You can't fix stupid !

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the

highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that

tube."

"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."

"Can't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."

"Alright, we could get a blood sample."

"Can't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."

"Fine then, just walk this white line."

"Can't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

I'm about to buy a new Dell. I have heard that there are all sorts of problems with Windows Vista and that XP Pro is a much better OS. I would appreciate comments from anyone who has had both, to give me some comments about their personal experience with these operating systems. Thanks.

Judas Asparagus . . .

If you need a laugh today, then this should do it! A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes. I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching??? Through the eyes of a child:

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something. One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupine s. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats. Jesus also had twelve opossums.

The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him. Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

This dude wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pileup on the by-pass. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... I'm trying to break this gently... but the fact is... your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9,000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology to build you a new penis that will work as well as your old one did... maybe even better! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1,000 per inch.' The guy perks up at this!!

'So,' the doctor says, 'It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for nine inches, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in five inches this time, she might be disappointed. . So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

He agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day and says, 'So, have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have,' says the bloke.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'Yes, she has,' he says.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor.

'We're getting granite work tops in the kitchen!

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party .

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the toilet.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his Birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the toilet and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ..What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... What a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends

I wonder how many people know about this ~

A 36 year old female had an accident several weeks ago and totaled her car. A

resident of Kinston, NC she was traveling between Kinston and Jacksonville.

It was raining, though not excessively, when her car suddenly began to

hydro-plane and literally flew through the air. She was not seriously injured

but very stunned at the sudden occurrence!

When she explained to the highway patrolman what had happened he told her

something that every driver

should know - NEVER DRIVE IN THE RAIN WITH YOUR

CRUISE CONTROL ON . She thought she was being cautious by setting the cruise

control and maintaining a safe consistent speed in the rain.

But the highway patrolman told her that if the cruise control is on when your

car begins to hydro-plane and your tires lose contact with the pavement, your

car will accelerate to a higher rate of speed making you take off like an

airplane.

She told the patrolman that was exactly what had occurred.

The patrolman said this warning should be listed, on the driver's seat

sun-visor - NEVER

USE THE CRUISE CONTROL WHEN THE PAVEMENT IS WET OR ICY, along

with the airbag warning. We tell our

teenagers to set the cruise control and

drive a safe speed - but we don't tell them to use the cruise control only

when the pavement is dry.

The only person the accident victim found, who knew this (besides the

patrolman), was a man who had had a similar accident, totaled his car and

sustained severe injuries.

NOTE: Some vehicles (like the Toyota Sienna Limited XLE) will not allow you to

set the cruise control when the windshield

wipers are on.

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the

86-year-old said ,"Things are great and I've never felt better.

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

So what do you think about that Doc ?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a

story. "I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never

misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he

accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at

the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the

magnificent creature."

"Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his

favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang. Miraculously , two shots

rang out and the beaver fell over dead."

Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else

pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she was happily sitting

upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with

a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these

years?"

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life

since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful

consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but

not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks,

and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said: "Oh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do.

What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and

full of the beauty and youth I once had"

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.

Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what

shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish

for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological

make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so handsome the likes

of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new

life."

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was

gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect

man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair,

& held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he

whispered...

"Bet you're sorry you neutered me"

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully, get out of the car and opened the trunk. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

To my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men.. And of course, traffic started backing up.

Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me. He got out of his car and started walking toward me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

'What's going on here?'

'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.

'Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?'

I couldn't believe that he didn't know.

"Those are my emergency flashers!'

This is about as true as it gets.

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a

job.

The interviewer asks him, 'Are you

allergic to anything?'

He replies, 'Yes - caffeine.'

'Have you ever been in the military

service?'

Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for

two years.'

The interviewer says, 'That will give you

5 extra points toward employment.' Then he asks,

'Are you disabled in any way?'

The guy says, 'Yes...an IED exploded near

me and I lost both of my testicles.'

The interviewer grimaces and then says,

'O.K. Youve got enough points for me to hire

you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00

P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on

starting at 10:00 A.M. every day.'

The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the work

hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you

want me to here until 10:00 A.M.?'

This is a government job,' the

interviewer says.. 'For the first two hours,we just

stand around drinking coffee and scratching our

balls.

No point in you coming in for that.

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst, " and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately. "

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"Oh No!" he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...."

"WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's

office.

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an

elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the

couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with

the way you have intercourse.'

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50

and he says goodbye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to

watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This

happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has

intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry,

but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything...

She's married; so we can't go to her house.

I'm married; and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.

The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of that, so it only costs

me $7.

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I ease my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and open the trunk. I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic.

They look so life-like you wouldn't believe! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers. But to my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my life-like men. And, of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me. He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

''What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.

"Well, what the Hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him. "Helloooo, those are my emergency flashers!"