Benny

A week ago my girlfriend told me to declutter the house.

how do I cook or eat anything without any knives, forks or spoons?

I´m English and I thought it would be more relevant to click onto UK and Ireland but it says after many questions " This was first asked on Answers US" or another country where they may speak English. If I look at Answers US will I find questions from England? Will I find Answers US with your new system?

Why can I not stay signed in if I leave the page for 10 minutes to look at another site?

When you fill in a Crossword Puzzle do you use Capital letters or Lower Case?

When your 15 year old daughter lies on the sofa drinking from a beer can, watching Big Brother and smoking in front of her children.

This may not be funny.

And possibly many other categories as well into a section for serious intelligent questions, and a section for children and immature adults to ask their badly worded, misspelled, Disgusting questions?

At the County Show a woman sees a sign by a Prize bull that he´s fathered 1000 calves and then she recognised the man by it as a neighbour. "If you see my husband can you show him that sign?" she tells him.

Her husband later pointed out to her that it was with 1000 different cows and probably maintained the bulls interest.

A nurse says, "This won´t hurt a bit"

A teacher says, "We´re going to keep doing this until you get it right"

An air hostess says, "Now just hold this over your nose and mouth and breathe normally"

(Air 2000)

Paddy and Mick were sent to prison for offences which I cannot repeat here.

Whilst there they devised a system of communication with each other by tapping on the heating pipes.

Unfortunately the system failed when they got put in separate cells.

It is her first date with the office supervisor. They are going to a charity concert and her nerves are a little on edge in expectation. As he rings the doorbell she feels an enormous urge to pass wind but she stifles it and answers the door to him. Out in the dark street he ushers her into the front of his car and then says "I´ll just pop over to the shop for some cigarettes"

Immediately she takes the opportunity to let go a real ripsnorter, lifting her bum cheeks off the seat.

A few seconds later he returns and says " Oh, I´m sorry, I forgot to introduce you to my parents" indicating the two people sitting in the gloom of the backseat!

The doctor was on his rounds of the home for the mentally disadvantaged and had entered the recreation room where he encountered two long term residents. One was sawing up imaginary pieces of wood and the other was hanging from the ceiling.

"What are you doing?" he asked the joiner.

I´m sawing wood " he replied

"And what´s he doing up there"

"He´s allright, he thinks he´s a light Bulb"

"Don´t you think we should help him down before the blood rushes to his head?" said the Doctor.

"What?" said the sawyer " and work in the dark!"

The young man walked his girlfriend to her front door and started to kiss her.

How about a quick BJ before I go he asked.

Not here any passer by could see us she replied.

Oh come on please it won´t take long, just a tiny little BJ He pleaded

No it wouldnt be right she said adamantly

He tried to persuade her for a couple more minutes to agree when suddenly the front door was yanked open by a sleepy eyed young girl who had obviously just got out of bed.

" Dad says hurry up and give him a BJ or he´ll come down and do it, or I will, or someone will,providing you take your ·········· hand off the intercom!

I watched a new Doc Martin and can´t decide if it´s Comedy, Drama, or just for simpletons. I was so ashamed I turned it off. It´s worse than that series they made where James Bolam was a doctor in Lancashire. It´s only saved by the scenery.

I know schools are on holiday and we expect a lot of immature filth on here BUT has anyone ever thought that they could be some kind of coded message used by lowlives rather than spies etc? Dogging anyone?

Most of them are for Jokes & Riddle answers and some for Transport.

I´ll have to post a lot more jokes to use them up.

It´s a Riddle not a joke

When we took allied forces jeeps, lorries and tanks to europe we had to take our own fuel. (PLUTO)

Were there any diesel powered vehicles or only petrol?

We went to a big car boot sale last weekend and sure enough the wife disappears so I go up to the prettiest woman around and start talking to her. Sure enough my wife turns up in seconds. Works every time.

This bloke comes home and tells his wife he´s got some Olympic condoms, pack of 3, Gold, Silver and Bronze.

"Which are we trying tonight" she asks.

"Gold of course" he says.

"Why don´t you use the silver and come second for a change?

Please Doctor ,I´m E mailing you because my husband won´t leave me alone, he´ll just have his way with me at any moment, when I´m washing up, vacuuming , and making the bed is impossssibblle tgbxosmsvstghfcjkoololh ,cvgsk

Did you hear about the Corktown university professor who took his tie back to the menswear shop because it was too tight?