There was a previous question that asked about letting their teens date. Lots of people made the comment that you should let them date because otherwise they would sneak around behind the parents back.
My question is, do you agree with that comment? Because if that is the case, then why have any rules for fear that they may break them all behind the parents back.
Ex: No cursing was allowed. Yet, when my friends and I would run around (as teens, of course) we would curse all the time. So, because I broke that rule behind my parents back, should they have not made that rule since I broke it anyway? Does anyone out there understand what I'm trying to say?
2008-01-06T12:16:33Z
Yes, dating is a learning process. However, at 18, they are still young enough to learn and make decisions for themselves. One person made a comment that their brother didn't date till 30. Well, that's on him. At 18, he's legally an adult and could have dated if he really wanted to. So, if he started at 18, he still had plenty of time to learn about the dating life by the time he turned 30 when it comes to marriage and relationships.
Setting rules does not make one a dictator. So if the government says "do not kill" does that make them a dictator?
You have to be able to teach your children that if they get into trouble because they broke a rule you set, that they can still turn to you and tell you.
My son will tell me when he did something wrong. He will get punished, but he will have a harsher punishment if I learn from someone else than from him. This has kept our relationship open and trusting. I
Anonymous2008-01-06T11:20:23Z
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I'm not a parent (yet) but I'm young enough to remember the effects of the rules my parents had for me.
1. Saying that a parent should simply NOT make a rule because a child will break it behind their back is ridiculous and illogical. I understand what you are trying to say and I agree.
2. My parents had rules that I occasionally broke behind their backs. I think the point of these rules isn't necessarily to prevent a child from doing them, it's to encourage your child to make the right choices when they get into a situation where they don't have you there to guide them. When I was old enough to make certain decisions without my parents present (i.e. Dating), I had reached a level of maturity that allowed me to decide if dating was OK.
A lot of parents feel that raising a child ends when they leave for college. While that is true in some regards, I think in this day and age that's becoming less feasible. Your child needs to be adequately prepared for the world prior to high school. When your kid reaches the age of 14, simply "not being allowed" is not a logical reason to make a good choice.
I know this because my parents separated when I was in high school. No one was really making or enforcing any rules that I had to follow. I made some bad choices, but overall I think that my mother had raised me well enough to decide for myself.
To conclude, keep the rules you have in place. But what you should realize is that there is a certain point where parents should trust their children to make the best call. The point of rules isn't necessarily to keep your children from all evil--it's to prepare them for later situations.
I don't think there's anything wrong with dating. I hope they make good choices, but I feel at the high school age, they are old enough to date. But talk with my daughters a lot, to make sure everything is going well. I'm sure some kids might sneak behind their parents back and I don't think that's right, but if they're doing it to hang out with their boyfriend or girlfriend, it' almost like it's natural. Parents are different. I trust my daughters a lot and I've raised them well, so I let them be adults when they want to be.
If you allow dating and attach some rules to it then you can have some what control and teach your child to be safe and responsible. If you just stomp your feet and lay down the law that there will be no dating until your 30. Then they will go behind your back and will not come to you for advice or help if they get into trouble.
You have to help your children grow up. It's a learning process not a dictatorship. If you don't give your children some trust they will never learn to trust.
Dating is actually a learning process and a step to adulthood, in an ideal world my daughter would never date but in reality I know that she will. I know you asked for parents of teens but I can answer this anyways, my daughter is 7. I plan to let her date when she is 16, but that will depend on her and her grades. The way I see it her grades will earn her freedom, if she is mature, responsible and respectful and most of all not a follower I do not see why I would not let her date. I know from experience where there is a will there is a way (I was way over protected) which caused me to sneak around, I do not want her to do that.
I know exactly what you mean. My oldest is almost 16 we have set rules for her some of which she feels are to strict. A few months back she got caught doing something against her rules regarding the computer so it was taken away from her. Yes she went behind our backs and probably had a few times before she got caught but the thing is she didn't really grasp the concept of being responsible for your actions until she lost computer privledges. having rules is a part of life it allows you to know what is expected of you however it also teaches lessons on what happens when you break the rules.