Why do women not value love making as high as other needs?

You clearly feel that you have "done your job" as her husband. And likely, you have truly done your best to be the kind of husband you think your wife wants. The problem, it seems, lies in what your wife really does want. If your lovemaking is lacklustre, it may reflect other areas of your married life that are similarly dull.

It sounds like you need to communicate with your wife. This is something you have probably heard time and again - communication isn't just about talking or asking what's wrong or telling her you love her. It's about listening and giving her time (it could be hours or days or weeks) to really search out in her mind if there is a problem, and then be able to articulate what she is feeling.

A lot of times when my husband asks what's wrong or why are you crying, I literally don't know in that moment. I can't find the emotions, let alone the words to express the problem. When I have time for introspection, I can go back to him and say "when you asked me I didn't know, but I think this is the problem". The problem may not be you - it may be something else that is on her mind, and maybe it surfaces when you are being intimate. Not a fault of yours, but clearly an obstacle in your romance.

DON'T CHEAT. DON'T LEAVE. DON'T GO WITH CRAPPY ALTERNATIVES. Talk to her and listen to her and give her time and support. It may be more than you are prepared to deal with - many of us have scars we cover up for years, but they are still there. If she knows you are her best friend, biggest fan, and strongest supporter, she may start to open up more and discover things about herself that she needs for her emotional health.

Problems in the bedroom (in my experience, as well as those of my closest friends) are usually linked to problems in day-to-day life, or something entirely unrelated. On the other hand, maybe she is feeling pain during sex, or maybe she just is bored - not b/c she doesn't love you, but b/c she wants something different and can't express it. Be willing to receive and process her criticism - put down your defenses and LISTEN to her. Read her body language and don't get angry. If you have a meeting of the spirit, mind and soul, then your bodies will be drawn together.

I don't know why she doesn't see how important this is. I think it is as crucial as communication is in a marriage. I know you already said you have talked but before doing anything drastic I think you should be very blunt. If you are feeling tempted to cheat, tell her so. Tell her you feel that she is ignoring a crucial part of marriage. Ask her to go to a doctor and possibbly a therapist to see if there is some reason she has such a low desire for it. I'm sure you know this but many women lose their drive as they get older and regardless of age many have problems due to health, medication or depression. If you've been married 25 years then she has either gone through menopause or is going through it right. Talk about hormone changes! Maybe if she sees a doctor the can give her some advice on how to deal with that. If you feel it's destroying your marriage anyways why not at least be very honest and make one last effort. BTW I had a talk like this with my husband a few months back. We're in our early thirties. I explained how crucial I felt it was. He does struggle with depression but he has tried much harder ever since I was blunt. I wasn't threatening him just basically saying, "with the way people are cheating these days and the divorce rate why would you want me to feel so neglected". I would never cheat on him but I wanted to be clear that it's hard to control your thoughts when you are feeling so neglected. If I had to I would go to counseling doctors etc until this problem was resolved. Continue to commit yourself to the marriage while you're giving it one last chance. Maybe if she realizes you're thinking of leaving over this it will cause her to try to get some help.

This is a pretty typical situation, so you are not alone.

Just tell her you are not having all of your physical needs met in the bedroom. (Women love to be needed)

You need to put the effort into turning her on a bit. Buy massage oils, candles, music, flowers, a romantic movie, wine, etc. (you don't all of those things every time, but one or 2 each time)

Play "your song" from your wedding for example.

Just try to add the romantic spark back into your relationship.

If none of that works, consider counseling. You have a right to have this need met, but she might be going through some physical changes that make this harder than it was when you were younger. So be patient, it won't happen over night. Try for once a week for 3 months then 6 times a month, then 8...until you find the right amount for the 2 of you.

Good luck.

Has your wife seen a physician for maybe a physical problem? There could be underlying physical problems that she may not even know about. You may also try a therapist to help find the source of the problem.

I understand your feelings even though I'm a woman. I'm newly re-married and I don't desire as much as he does, but I do try to hit a happy medium for his sake. I'm not always in the mood either, but I do make concessions to meet his needs.

But in my defense, I do have some medical issues that limit my desire, like some of the medication I take, I have a prosthetic hip which makes some bedroom acrobatics a little more challenging.

My point is, if you've talked to your wife about why she's lacks interest, then you need to dig a little deeper to find the real problem.

I commend you for being patient and trying to work through this issue. I will pray for you to find a solution to this and for things to heat back up. God bless you and good luck.

heaven help me, if I EVER get to the point where I don't want sex, I will seek a sextherapist. I hear they work wonders. however, I would talk to my doctor first. is she taking any medications? or has this been ongoing for many years? is this something new? could it be menopause? have her see a doctor, he could run tests to tell you if this is physical (a condition that can be treated) or psychological. then go from there. if there is no medical basis, seek marriage counseling, or talk to your religious leader (if you have one) and ask that person to act as a mediator for you. what you have to say doesn't matter if it's coming from you because she's already heard it. it helps if it comes from someone who can see both sides, and hand back an unbiased opinion. also, if she is on medication, make a list of the prescriptions, go to askapatient.com, and you can view a spreadsheet filled out by other patients. it lists how long you've been taking, what it's for, and side effects experienced. this may be a great help as even some over-the-counter meds can have side effects of reduced libido. good luck in finding the answer best for you!

Actually, there are a lot of women that don't like it that much, and once they hit menopause it gets even worse. But ask yourself this, what does she do all day? If she has to take care of children, the house, all the shopping and laundry, does she work or volunteer? Maybe she is just too busy that once she goes to bed, she has no more needs. Women are nurturers. After this long of a marriage you should be able to talk to her. Ask her outright if she no longer enjoys sex. Chances are if it only takes 20 minutes that is your fault. You can use more time than that just to get her excited. But if you just go to bed roll over, kiss her , touch her and then go for it, well my dear you have only yourself to blame. Women like everything that goes with sex, the more romantic things you do, the more likely she will want to reciprocate. But don't do everything just to end up in bed, she already knows that game. Help her at home, do nice things, carry her groceries, fill up her car and wash it, do the laundry or the dishes, tell her you want her to have some time for herself. Send her to a spa, tell her that you like the way she wears her her. Give her little kisses now and then, on the back of her neck, her shoulders, etc, without wanting something else. She will come around once she knows you do it because you love her and not because you want to end up in bed, and then she may want to.

When you have a woman like that, shitty alternatives are all you have. There is one though, that you have not mentioned, counselling. It works for some and for others it does not but either way, you need to make it clear to her that this is a serious thing with you. Women have a habit of downplaying sex in a marriage. Present her with those three options, counselling, cheating and divorce. She should get the message and if she loves you as much as you say you love her, then she will make some kind of an effort. Good luck with that.

You need to explain this to her. Sit down and discuss it, ask what you could do that would make her enjoy it more. Is this a new thing or has it always been like this. If it is a new thing it may be menopause and her hormone levels are dropping. If this is the case she should see her doctor.

Be sure and tell her what you told us, that you still love her, maybe more than ever.

And before you all start on the menopause thing, not all women lose their sex drive during menopause. I also suspect, due to some things from women I know, that a lot of them (not all) use that as an excuse to stop sex they didn't want anyway. I am most of the way through menopause and my sex drive is as strong as it ever was.

I get what you are saying and I'm sorry. Women really can be crappy to their men. I was one of them and while I was no angel, neither was he and I did not have the maturity or the wisdom to deal with the stuff that was going on. Now that I have been divorced for quite a while, I know just the kind of partner I want to be. I have gotten so much help from books, Dr. Laura's books, mainly The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, and Gary Chapman's book about love languages. This may be a good book for you to check out. She may not want the flowers, etc. She may want you to help around the house or maybe she will respond better to words of affirmation. I realize you have been married 25 years, but maybe work and kids kind of got in the way of life and loving. It's never too late to turn it around if you really want to. My sister's friend's parents just got divorced after almost 50 years of marriage. This was so heartbreaking for me to hear. Talk to her. Find a way to get to her. You could start by making love to her mentally, spiritually, emotionally, then hopefully she will reciprocate physically.

There are a number of things that could be happening here. First, you wife should see a doctor. Sometimes there is a very treatable medical reason for low libido. Second, if there is no obvious medical problem, there are probably emotional/psychological reasons why she doesnt want more sex. So, a good marriage counselor would be the next choice.

If she refuses to get counseling, you need to work hard, use your friends and family if necessary, to convince her. If you love each other, it's really important to try to save this marriage. This problem can be sorted out. It would be a shame to lose 25 years. You've got the next 25+ to spend with each other. Make it good for both of you.