When to tell..........?

Kelela,

You're already a little late, so now is a good time to start.

We wove the tale of our daughter's adoption into a toddler's bedtime story. So it's fair to say she's always known. As she grew the story grew with her understanding. Now that she's a tween we simply talk about it outright.

You're right, you need a plan. Start today. You don't want their trust shaken by thinking you've been hiding secrets or lying to them.

I am adopted and have 2 adopted children. I knew from a very early age. To be honest with you, I don't even remember being told I was so young. Same with my 2 children. My husband and I began talking about it as soon as they could have understood even just a little. You should start telling them now. I would not wait any longer. Like your husband it would be very hard to understand and be confusing if they found out later in life. Adoption is a wonderful thing, your children even seem to know that already. Tell them now. Also as someone else answered. If you have anything to show them about they birth parents or foster parents, show that as well. Your children, as you say get it and think it is great. Now is the best time!!

I'm surprised that your husband, being a late discovery adoptee has waited even this long to tell the kids. I think that kids should be told as early as possible. When my aparents brought me home at 6 months old, my amom started telling me about my adoption that night. I don't remember a time that I didn't know I was adopted. But since you have waited, as soon as possible. 6 and 8 year olds can indeed find out on their own. Kids are resourceful and a lot more intuitive than they get credit for.

When to tell?

You should have started when your children first came to live with you.

I adopted my son when he was 2-1/2 years old. Adoption has always been a part of his vocabulary. We talk about his first mother and his foster family often. *I* am the one to bring up the subject most of the time, mainly because I want to be as honest with my son as I can be, and because I don't ever want him to feel like he can't ask me questions about his history. I want him to trust me and know that he can ask or tell me anything. If I hid a major part of his life from him (ie: the fact that I adopted him), do you really think he would be able to trust me after he found out?

ETA: I just read some of your answers to other people's questions and I'm appalled. "Donor mother?" "Alleged father?" Nice. Real nice. I hope that you don't ever use these terms in your children's presence. After all, your children are only yours because their parents were unable to parent them for some reason. Those kids are made up of the DNA of their 'donor mother' and 'alleged father(s)' and you should show some respect. Disrespecting your children's first parents shows that you disrespect your children too. How awful. You should never have been allowed to adopt in the first place with your cr@ppy attitude.

To be honest with you, your children should already know they are adopted. Our daughter was adopted at age 2 1/2 and from the first day she was with us we read to her about adoption (age appropriate books about being adopted from China). She knows she is from China, she knows she has a "China mommy" and she knows she had "nannies" who cared for her in her orphanage. She has a photo album of pictures from her orphanage that we look at together a lot and talk about them. She is only 4, so she hasn't asked any very specific questions as of yet, but hopefully because we talk about it so much, her questions will come naturally. Start looking into finding some age appropriate books to read with your children. I have an 8 year old bio son and he has a full understanding of bio and adopted children, so your 8 year old will certainly be able to grasp this too. Now is the time, for sure. Adopted children should never NOT know they are adopted.....as AP's we have no right to keep that from them (not that you are trying to keep it from them, I understand that, but it's time they know).

As your husband is adopted and found out as an adult and was shocked I'm surprised either of you need to ask this question. The right thing to do would have always been honest with them but as you didn't the sooner you start being honest the better.

You should have started at 15 months and 2 years. Adoption shouldn't be a secret - neither the fact that they both have two sets of parents!

tell them while they are young....now would be the best time....I was adopted at age 14 I knew my family but my little sister didn't and her foster family didn't tell her until she was like 11 and it ruined her cuz it was bad enough that she was going through those tough preteen stages but hearing that she was adopted and that her real parents didn't want her was heartbreaking for her....So if I was you I would tell them ASAP....I may only be 18 but the things I've seen in my life have been horrific and terrifying and I wuld never put a child through that kind of pain like my parents did to me....So I actually sound alot older than I really am.Just be sure you tell them and they understand what you are saying to them.....They shuld understand it when you tell them but just be sure that they do

We have a story about how lucky we were when we found out we were matched to adopt our little guy. He loves to hear the story, and grins when we tell it. We show pictures of his first parents, and his first dad visits. He's 19 months so he might not understand, but there won't ever be that "ohhhhhh" moment of finding out.

It should never be a secret.

The longer you wait, the harder it will be to hear.

Do you have anything from their "birth" families? Do you have any memorabilia from when you brought them home?

Bring out anything you have.

Talk about meeting them for the first time.

Talk about how you came to know them and have them in your lives.

Talk about how grateful you are to know them.

Talk about how much you love them

Talk about how much you value them as part of your family.

Ask them how they feel.

Tell them they're allowed to say anything to you.

If they seem ackward, offer a box, paper and a pen so they can write it down, put it in the box and discuss it when they feel better.

EDIT TO ADD:

Be prepared to HONESTLY answer questions about where their birth parents are now. If you don't know, fine, but if you do, you need to say something like "It's best if you leave that to me for now. When you're 16, ask me again.".