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Husband watching porn daily - long, but would appreciate insightful, nuanced advice?
My husband and I are both 30. He is very successful and works hard, but not long hours. I used to be successful, too, but quit my job. My husband likes having me at home and agrees that it has tremendously improved our quality of life. We don't have children yet, but want them in a few years. We've been together for eight years, married for three. Things have always been solid with us, but we've gone through some extremely stressful times with careers, moving abroad, etc. We both used to work crazy hours. During those times, our sex life suffered, but for the past 18 months, things have been better. We have sex 3-5x/week. We’re adventurous in the bedroom and he seems to enjoy himself. He’s also very affectionate outside of the bedroom.
About a year ago, he began waking up 45 minutes early to use his computer downstairs. He says he reads news and sports commentary. I figured he might view porn, too, but wasn't bothered by him doing it occasionally. But over time, I began to suspect it was the main reason for his new schedule. Most tellingly, I have found used tissues (if you know what I mean) many times. He also has his computer constantly delete browsing history and cookies, even though this is inconvenient.
A few days ago my computer broke so I have to use his. I wasn't snooping, but "Frequent Sites" popped up and it was mostly porn. The porn he watches is pretty normal, but it’s all Thai/Filipino/Hispanic girls. I am tall, thin, fair, and blonde. Also, he frequents the site of an actress who looks so much like his ex. He has never seemed emotionally hung up on her, but the facial resemblance is uncanny. My husband has always said he doesn’t have a physical type, but he does when he’s looking at porn and it’s the opposite of me. Even if he doesn’t look to stray, he’s successful so women seek him out and he can be clueless until things get awkward. I worry he could be an easy target for a woman with the right look. I do believe he loves me, but I also believe people can be weak when they’re not truly satisfied with what they have.
The other thing that bothers me is how much time he spends on this. It’s at least 4 hrs/wk, which is more than he spends with me in the bedroom. It seems like a lot for a married man who is getting regular sex. Also, he knows I am horniest in the morning and sometimes I try to seduce him before work. He refuses because he’d be late, which is true. But it’s humiliating that he makes time for porn and not me. I’ve also told him I would like to wake up to him initiating sex, but he says he tried once and I mumbled that I wanted to go back to sleep and that was enough for him to give up on the idea. Now I understand why he wasn’t as keen on the idea as I was: he’s more attracted to the women online and wants to spend his mornings with them.
I would feel better if his tastes were more varied, or if he watched things I can’t/won’t do. Then there is an element of “fantasy.” But he isn’t watching supermodels or kinky stuff; he’s watching normal sex with pretty normal-looking women who just happen to be from certain ethnic backgrounds. It’s hardly fantastical because he’s dated women like this and encounters them on a daily basis. It really seems like he just has a strong physical preference that I don’t meet and he has to spend a lot of time online to compensate for that.
I want to talk to him about it, but don’t know how. I don’t want to be angry, unreasonable, or embarrass him. I actually have nothing against porn and watch it myself 1-2x/month. (I planned on telling him this eventually, but wanted to save it as a sexy surprise for the right time.) But I am surprised and hurt and definitely don’t want to have sex with him now that I know he chooses porn when he can. Also, we’re going on a belated honeymoon in a month so I want to resolve this before then. I’m just worried he’ll reassure me and then learn to hide his behavior better. He has already told me many times that he almost never masturbates so he's already lied to me on this topic, even though I’ve never indicated that I would be upset if he watched porn. I'm worried about the truth, but I'm more worried he isn't going to give it to me.
If you’ve read this entire diatribe, hopefully you understand that it’s not porn that bothers me. It’s the narrow focus of his interest and how it excludes me by default. It’s also the secrecy, regularity, and increase of his masturbation habits as well as him choosing the porn over sex with me. How can I share my feelings with him in a way that he’ll understand and respect? And if you’re going to defend his behavior and tell me to let it slide, at least explain how this could all mean nothing because I’m having trouble seeing that right now. Thanks.
12 Answers
- OcimomLv 78 years agoFavorite Answer
Sit down now and let him know that you have found out about his porn habits and you are not happy at all and what can both of you do about the situation. Porn is a slow poison in the relationship/marriage that will eventually kill it. Porn should not be acceptable behavior from a man or woman and when both sexes realize this and do something about it, there will be less problems.
Tell him from your point of view that it makes you feel bad, unloved, worthless and sad that he is choosing to look at other naked women and not have his thoughts on you only. Its cheating even tho many will say its not. Ask him what you can do to improve your sex life so that he has no need to be looking at porn all the time.
Until he admits to it and understands how wrong it is and how destructive it is, nothing will change and it will get worse. I stronly recommend you and him read Every Man's Battle to help him get all porn out of his life.
- KerriAnnLv 68 years ago
Okay, i think that as long as you watch porn, you have nothing to be complaining about.
Seriously, the main issue is that you both do it, you both bring this evil into your marriage.
Women tend to grow tired of it quicker than men do, and you will soon be tired of it yourself and will want your husband to grow tired of it too, but he won't, he'll continue, and that will, in turn, upset you and make you realize, "WTF have i done allowing this evil in our marriage?"
The issue is not that he watches women that don't look like you and whatever, it's that this 3rd party is being allowed in your home and inbetween your marriage.
It's virtual women / men coming between you and him.
First you need to stop watching it, before you can comfront him about this - if you can't stop watching it, forget about this whole issue.
If you can stop watching it, then you need to step up and tell him you want this to stop - set an ultimatum and make sure it's not just reassurance to keep you quiet.
There are a lot of secrets going on in your marriage - and quite frankly i wouldn't take this "belated honeymoon" until you can resolve these matters as adults who love and respect each other.
At this point, i see no love and definitely no respect for each other! You both are living like singles in a dorm room.
Reevalute your priorities as a wife. Being a wife goes far and beyond being a good sexual partner. What do you want to bring into this marriage? Where do you see yourself 1 year from now? How much do you respect your husband and vice versa.
Do you really and truly believe that allowing this evil will enhance the wellbeing of your marriage?
Seriously, do you believe this evil will help your marriage thrive through the thick and the thin??
- 8 years ago
I had a very similar situation to this once with a serious boyfriend, and I didn't hold back, the thing I regret was getting angry, but I found he had been chatting with girls online exchanging dirty talk and even discussed meeting up with one of them. Yes all men watch porn, but a marriage needs trust and honesty to survive, talk to him, be gentle, and discuss perhaps watching it together, maybe he likes it because it's kinky and does not want to tell you as he thinks you will get jealous or be offended, but if you initiated watching it he may then involve you. A friend of mine once gave her fella a porno mag and put photos of her with them for a bit of a laugh, if you make it fun he may be more open about what he's doing and you can in turn feel part of his sexual fantasies as well. It's natural for men to do this, and it is also natural for you to feel left out and want to be his main focus, so don't be afraid to ask for what you want, and put your needs first as this is by no means an unreasonable ask.
Source(s): first hand experience - Anonymous5 years ago
He was probably like this before you got married and was good at hiding it until now. Have you explained that you don't mind the porn?? Maybe you should buy him a couple of porn DVD's and ask him to watch them with you. Or go on his computer with your "toy" and let him catch you!! Thats the only way I think you can get into his world,, if that doesn't work, then I would try counseling. Good luck little mamma!! I hope in time it gets better :)
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- Anonymous8 years ago
sounds like its become an obsession with him. my feeling is he'll want to have sex with his ideal porn type and thus will eventually feel compelled to cheat on you. its obviously not normal given the amount of time he's spending watching it and jerking off as well; so more than probably when he is having sex with you, he;s im aging you're someone foreign.
methinks u do need to have an honest conversation with him if he gets defensive and doesn't agree to get help (cos u have described an addiction) then ur marriage is probably over and from the sound of it. u will be better off without him
- Anonymous5 years ago
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- Anonymous8 years ago
You're reading too much into this. Men and women are wired differently. We are very visually stimulated and we need variety. He even told you this. You say that you have a successful, happy marriage, and you have a very active sex life by most peoples standards. Don't create a problem where none exists.
- 5 years ago
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- ?Lv 78 years ago
I think you must confront him - not judgmentally - but emphasize key facts:
1. you don't understand why if you're willing in the morning, he isn't available for you
2. you cannot change your genetic structure, so you want to know what the attraction to certain Asian women would be
- Anonymous8 years ago
Next time he uses your computer, conveniently leave your entire post visible. If he doesnt get the message, tell him.



