When should I forgive?

I heard something the other day that made perfect sense to me that clearly, so I told my friend that appears to always be at odds with people within his life due to him forever doing what I'm about to tell you. Basically, when you (Offer-up) are considerate (Towards) of someone, it only causes a problem, kinder like seeing someone's kindness as a weakness. When reading your Q it was like an awakening of the cliche, you can choose your friends but not your family. However, that said, you can always choose to distance (Cut off and end relations) yourself from their abusive psychological and mental torture and the same with friends/peers/partners. I know that sounds difficult, but I believe in your case, it's got to be done if you're ever going to have peace and harmony as a constant companion within your daily life as opposed to the toxic world you're living in right now. Just my thoughts although you might deem it radically unsettling.  

Thoughts? Forgiveness isn't about what the other may have done and letting them get away with it, but more about being able to let go of the past hurts so it doesn't have the power to keep hurting you in the present.

If you can do that I suspect your anxiety would be less of an issue. You would feel stronger within yourself and be able to make decisions about who and what you need in your life. What you are strong enough to accept and what you are strong enough to let go of, and the ability to know which is right for you. You would also be able to live independently til there was someone you felt worthy to share your life with.

That can be achieved in therapy, with work.

Talk to your counselor about adding sessions or augmenting them with some other kind of treatment (group meetings perhaps). You're very mixed up and conflating the monumental betrayal of child sexual abuse with the rather silly thing about your fiance' watching porn. These things aren't even on the same planet but until you learn the standard life priorities you're going to see every little slight as some huge offense. You really shouldn't be in a romantic relationship until you get your head straight. But maybe if you just don't get married until you're thinking clearly you'll be able to keep this person in your life.

Oh Boo Hoo....so you life sucks, welcome to the world!

Get over your daddy and mommy issues and get control of your own life!

You are who you are and that's it.

Wow.  You have a lot on your plate.  How old are you?

You say you're in counseling, which is always big props.  But not all counselors are good.   How long have you been in therapy and do you feel you've made progress?  If it's been awhile, maybe you want to find someone else. 

Here's what I'd suggest.  Assuming you live on your own, you have valid reason to cut off contact with each parent.  This doesn't have to be permanent unless you want it to be.  But the purpose of it is so you can take time to get stronger and set boundaries with them.    You want a life where you've gotten past their horrible treatment of you and you also recognize  your power in your adult relationship with them.

Your fiance isn't quite as clearcut, but I do think you need to postpone this engagement until you're "healthier".  You told him early on that the only unforgivable thing is lies, yet you're engaged to a liar!  This doesn't compute.  If you rushed into the engagement just wanting someone in your corner, this is very understandable.  But engagement brings its own pressures, and this is the last thing you need right now.  So tell him you want to wait on that/

Also, it's so important you develop your own support system.  You sound like a really cool person who has gone through some horrible stuff.   Have you thought about ways to meet good people who will have your back?  I have a friend who was in a somewhat similar mess, and I talked her into volunteering to serve T-giving dinner at a soup kitchen.   She met some really cool people and she still does this 10 years later.   Volunteering is a great way to meet people if someone is shy or insecure.  This is because everyone is there for the same purpose.

Finally, it's easier said than done, but try not to be too impatient.   To me, it's amazing you sound as "together" as  you do, and I doubt you see this, because you don't have the perspective.  All you know is the world created for you by 2 toxic parents.  You finally have the power to define your relationship (if any) with them, but it won't happen overnight.   Good luck with all this. 

I don't know if you found the line it would be enough. You are going through a lot. Have you tried medication? I take zoloft and now the doc added wellbutrin. Sometimes therapy alone isn't enough to cope with all the bad stuff life deals us. I have had a rough life and I live in constant pain. Without my medicine, I could not cope without it.