Erase Program Read Only Memory

It seems the ask and learn isn't really the end product here almost all who got the best answers are dumb answers.

A pilot asked me and it seems I too doesn't know the answer.

Excerpt from a Louis L" Amour western novel: There were mining men, cattlemen there, gamblers, drifters and businessmen. There were "drummers" and cattle buyers and men just looking for something to put money into.

To Tame A land

I was watching some Criminal Minds episode and agents there say "there are a lot of alpha males out there."

This is my son's homework, and I can't do it so pls help

A friend once told me that the doctor who operated on his goiter that cabbage sort of kills iodine in the body, now the doctor tells my daughter broccoli does something also. Anyone knows?.

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't

> stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

> He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend

> you."

>

> She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am

> and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear

> just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask

> that

> I would find offensive."

>

> "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

>

> She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have

> to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

> The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

> "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

>

> The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

> But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

>

> "My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

> "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied I must confess, I'm married and I'm

> Jewish."

>

> The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween

> party.

>

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The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon Damned good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No ****?'

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. 'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?' A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

Make the most of what you can do on your PC and the Web, just the way you want. Windows Live

TIPS FOR COMING HOME LATE

> There was this guy who always went out drinking with his

> friends. He would always come home very late. One night,

> while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being

> able to sneak in late.

>

>

> "When I walk into the dark bedroom I head straight for

> the bed. Before the wife can realize or say anything, I

> swiftly pull down her panties, and give her the best oral

> sex she's ever had. She'll slither and squirm but

> I'll never stop until she has such an orgasm that she

> falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By

> morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I

> came home."

>

>

> One of his friends was very impressed and decides to also

> try this technique.

>

> So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the dark

> bedroom, yanked the blankets and panties off his wife and

> despite her resistance, he gave her the best oral sex

> she's ever had, until she orgasmed. and goes to wash

> up.

>

>

> His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that

> he's home so late.

>

> "Hey, I thought you were asleep.

>

> "I was, but I came in to tell you that we've got

> to sleep on the couch tonight cause my mother is sleeping in

> our bedroom."

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

New Email names for you!

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Hurry before someone else does!

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A guy goes to the railroad to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'

He replies, 'Yes - caffeine.'

'Have you ever been in the military service?'

Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'

The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward

employment.'

Then he asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?'

The guy says, 'Yes...an IED exploded near me and I lost both of my

testicles.'

The interviewer grimaces and then says, 'O. K. You've got enough points for

me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M.

You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am - and plan on starting at 10:00 am every

day.'

The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00

P.M., why don't you want me to here until 10:00 A.M.?'

This is a railroad job,' the interviewer says...

For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and

scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.'

_______________________________________________________________________

This e-mail may be privileged and/or confidential, and the sender d

Definition of Politics

Dad, I have a special report for school.

> >Can I ask you a question? Dad: Sure son, what's the

> >question? Son: What is politics? Dad: Well son, let's take

> >our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me the

> >management. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so

> >let's call her the government. We take care of you and your needs,

> >so let's call you the people. We'll call the maid the working

> >class and your baby brother the future. Understand? Son:

> >I'm not really sure dad, I'll have to think about it.

> > That night, the boy is awakened by his baby brother's crying, so

> > he went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had a heavily

> > soiled nappy, the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother

> > fast asleep. He than went to the maid's room, where, peeking

> >through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The

> >boy's knocking went totally unheard. The boy went back to his room

> >and went to sleep. The next morning...

> > Son: Dad, I think I understand politics.

> > Dad: That's great son, explain it to me in your own words.

> > Son: While the management is screwing the working class, the

> >government is fast asleep, the people are being completely ignored

> >and the future is full of ****.

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

>

>

> Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.

>

> Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....

>

>

> You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance

> money!"

>

> She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,

> "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the

> insurance money!"

>

> Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the

> ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too,

> with the insurance money!"

>

> Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Remember that

> ******** I promised you?"

>

> "Here it comes."

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas

City to Chicago . The little boy (who had been looking out the

window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs

and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the

flight attendant.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If

big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big

planes have baby planes?"

The busy flight attendant smiled and said, "Did your mother tell you

to ask me?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did."

"'Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby

planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother

explain that to you."

I think even ant bites on the same areas are more painful, itchier also.

At the Women's Lib International Conference .. .

The first speaker, a lady from England stood up and said: "During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.

After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

(The crowd cheered).

The second speaker, from Russia, stood up and said: "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself.

The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well."

(The crowd again cheered).

The third speaker, an Asian lady, stood up and said: "After last year's conference, I went home and told that lazy husband of mine, Pedro, that I was through getting his slippers, cooking his meals all the time, washing his underwear and that he was going to have to do them himself."

(The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes).

She continued; "After the first day, I see nothing. After the second day, again I see nothing, but after the third day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

AFFAIRS.

> >A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

> >One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house,

> >where

> >they made passionate love all afternoon.

> >Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm.

> >As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes

> >outside

> >and rub them through the grass and dirt.

> >Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove

> >home.

> >'Where have you been?' demanded his wife when he entered the house.

> >'Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my

> >secretary and we've

> >been having sex all afternoon.

> >I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock.'

> >The wife glanced down at his shoes and said,

> >'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'

> >

> >

> >The Second Affair

> >

> >There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage

> >daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always

> >wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure

> >enough,

> >delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.

> >The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son.

> >He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever

> >seen.

> >He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father

> >of

> >that child.

> >'Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!'

> >Then he gave her a stern look and asked,

> >'Have you been fooling around on me?'

> >The wife just smiled sweetly and said, 'Not this time!'

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >The Third Affair

> >

> >A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the

> >front door. 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

> >Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with

> >talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you to,' she whispered. 'Just

> >pretend

> >you're a statue.'

> >'What's this, honey?' the husband inquired as he entered the room. 'Oh,

> >it's

> >a statue,' she replied nonchalantly.

> >'The Smith bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for

> >us too.'

> >No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep.

> >Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen

> >and

> >returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. 'Here,' he

> >said

> >to the statue, 'eat something, I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for

> >three

> >days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.'

> >

> >

> >The Fourth Affair

> >

> >Jake was dying.

> >His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side.

> >She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.

> >Her praying roused him from his slumber.

> >He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

> >'Becky my darling,' he whispered. 'Hush my love,' she said. 'Rest, don't

> >talk.' He was insistent. 'Becky,' he said in his tired voice, 'I have

> >something

> >that I must confess.'

> >'There's nothing to confess,' replied the weeping Becky,

> >'everything's all right, go to sleep.'

> >'No, no I must die in peace, Becky. I, I slept with your sister, your best

> >friend, her best friend and your mother!'

> >'I know, my sweet one' whispered Becky, 'let the poison work'.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >Two women were playing golf.

> >One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a

> >foursome of men playing the next hole.

> >The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together

> >at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

> >The

> >woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

> >Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could

> >relieve

> >your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

> >Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man

> >replied,

> >still in pain, in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together

> >in

> >his groin.

> >But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help.

> >She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his

> >pants, and put her hands inside.

> >She began to massage him. She then asked, 'How does that feel?'

> >He replied, 'It feels absolutely wonderful... But my thumb still hurts

"Don't laugh!" said the patient, Jim.

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over

twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Jim said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the

tiniest 'hoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger

than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing

to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and

regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over

me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentlemen, I promise it won't happen

again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Jim replied

: FW: Just for laughs

>

>

>

> 1. There are 3 Male and 1 Female pencils in a box. The Female pencil got

> pregnant !! Which Male pencil is responsible? THE ONE WITHOUT THE

> RUBBER.

>

> 2. Woman in bed with husband's best friend, phone rings! "YES".. OK,

> BYE". She turns to her lover and says, THAT'S MY HUBBY, SAYS HE'S NOW

> GOLFING WITH YOU.

>

> 3. Three Roosters: normal, retarded and a gay.

> Normal : ****-a-doodle-dooo !!!

> Retarded : doodle-****-a-dooo !!!

> Gay : any-****-will dooo !!!

>

> 4. Three Guys were introduced to a girl. Hi,.... I'm Peter, not a SAINT.

> I'm Paul not a POPE. I'm John not a BAPTIST...The girl replied.. Hi..

> I'm Mary, not a VIRGIN.

>

> 5. Girlfriends are appetizers. Taste good at any time. Mistresses are

> Tomyams. Hot and spicy. Eaten frequently. WIVES are Maggie. Eaten when

> there's nothing to eat.!!!

>

> 6. Income Tax office asked a Prostitute why she puts her occupation as

> CHICKEN FARMER. She replied: I RAISED 5,000 COCKS LAST YEAR.!!

>

> 7. Yesterday's News :- A nun jogging at Jogger' Park was raped by 4

> guys. Today's News :- Nearly 100 nuns found jogging at the park.

>