deebee731

... the supposed mutational 'development' of the Bombadier Beetle? This creature stores a combustible liquid which explodes in a test tube but not in the beetle whose body contains an inhibitor for the liquid until it is squirted into its body's 'combustion chambers' prior to firing at its predators (at a temperature of 212 degrees F). Evolution suggests that changes take place over millions of years as a creature 'adapts'. In the beetle's case - one small missing element of this equipment makes the rest useless so I suggest that it is all part of a complete design from the outset. Evolution just doesn't come close to having an explanation.

‎....rides around all day on his tractor shouting 'The end of the world is coming'.

His name is Farmer Geddon.

In chapter 23 of the Book of Acts - it is recorded that over 40 Jewish men took a sacred oath to take no food until they had killed Paul.

Paul lived on several years after this - so is there a record anywhere what happened to those men?

What is the difference apart from the colour (no jokes about nozzles please).

Subject: Banking Crisis hits Japan.

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 days the famous Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and the Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song. Today shares in Kamikaze Bank was suspended after they nose-dived and 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop.

Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that customers may get a raw deal.

A finance spokesperson announced that the Origami Bank hopes their loss will only be on paper,the Sumo Bank will help it's cause by selling stamps and the Bonsai Bank hope to nip their problems in the bud.Only the Kamikaze Bank is expected to crash and a spokesperson for the Karaoke Bank claimed that 'They will survive'.

A minister was going to preach about worms, and decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis this Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put

into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put

into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into

a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into

a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon,

the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead .

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -

What can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was setting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION .

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC .

" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shop with me."

6.. My mother taught me FORESIGHT .

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY ..

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY .

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION .

"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY .

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .

"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .

"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP .

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20.. My mother taught me HUMOUR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS .

"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM .

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite: 25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE .

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!

Subject: London Tube drivers announcements

A list of actual announcements that London Tube drivers have made totheir passengers...

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction." "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."

"We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see, BakerStreet is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

"Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause.) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care -- I'm going home...."

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that thedoors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

"We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door." "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

"Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your ****

sideways!"

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

The love story of Ralph and Edna.

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

A new Middle East crisis erupted this week when Dubai TV refused to show the Flinstones film.

A spokesman said that Dubai people don't understand the humour but those in Abu Dhabi do.

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

'And what do you think is the best thing

About being 104?' the reporter asked.

She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is

You can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old!

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,

New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes

I'm half blind, Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,

Take 40 different medications that

Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia ....

Have poor circulation;

Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92

Have lost all my friends. But, thank Goodness

I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,

So I got my doctor's permission to

Join a fitness club and start exercising.

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,

By the time I got my leotards on,

The class was over.

It's scary when you start making the same noises

As your coffee maker.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Always Remember This:

You don't stop laughing because you grow old,

You grow old because you stop laughing!!

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and said, 'Come on, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

So my wife called him a ****-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.

It's important at our age.

Subject: Christmas Party

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 23, 2007

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along.

And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

********************************************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 23, 2007

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party.' The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty

***********************************************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 23, 2007

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table .. you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, 'AA Only'; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

***********************************************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from The dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first.

There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply 'No Sugar' desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

************************************************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F****** Employees

DATE: November 26, 2007

RE: The F****** Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the 'grill of death,' as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The ***** from HELL!!!!!!!!

*********************************************

FROM: Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: November 26, 2007

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

*********************************************

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes

harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they

were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are

oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Stewart. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my

wife,Debbie. When I took 'early retirement' last year, it became necessary

for Debbie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra

income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning

to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same

time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always

says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I

don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when

she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill

at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked

grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished

eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for

several hours after dinner.I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her

several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she

really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them

done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say

that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch

hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer

encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That

way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch

completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I

like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest

periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing

the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix

herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just

sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as

well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Debbie.

I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will

find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do

how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just

use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this

article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.

After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.....

Signed,

Stewart

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Stewart died suddenly on March 27th. The police report says that he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed up his posterior , with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Debbie wasarrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he accidentally sat down on it

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he drug himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed,

'FOR THE GOODNESS SAKE WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

...I told him that every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm.

He said, "Well what have you come to me for?"

I said, "Do you sell snuff?"

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in South Africa after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

20 later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring fixedly at the man.

Knowing the old saying 'That an elephant never forgets' and remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

It wasn't the same elephant.

How to Make a Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy....

A man only needs to be:

1. a friend

2. a companion

3. a lover

4. a brother

5. a father

6. a master

7. a chef

8. an electrician

9. a carpenter

10. a plumber

11. a mechanic

12. a decorator

13. a stylist

14. a sexologist

15. a gynecologist

16. a psychologist

17. a pest exterminator

18. a psychiatrist

19. a healer

20. a good listener

21. an organizer

22. a good father

23. very clean

24. sympathetic

25. athletic

26. warm

27. attentive

28. gallant

29. intelligent

30. funny

31. creative

32. tender

33. strong

34. understanding

35. tolerant

36. prudent

37. ambitious

38. capable

39. courageous

40. determined!

41. true

42. dependable

43. passionate

44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly

46. love shopping

47. be honest

48. be very rich

49. not stress her out

50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself

53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:

* birthdays

* anniversaries

* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked

2. Bring food

WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ

(Passing requires 4 correct answers)

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Atlantic are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What colour is purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.

Check your answers below .

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ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador

3) >From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name Albert

8) What colour is a purple finch? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)

1st man, "Breasts or legs?"

2nd man, "I prefer bums"

1st man, "Sorry sir, we don't do those here at Kentucky Fried Chicken!"