What would you do if...?

Actually I think you should add one full time job to your list.

HOUSEKEEPER!

I know from my own experience that some of the household tasks are a little intimidating for a man. I can do the vacuuming because the vacuum cleaner is just another power tool in my books.

But cooking is more than a chore, & sorting laundry is another daunting task.

I would rather paint a room than cook a single meal without my wifes help. We men tend to look at the laundry room, & the kitchen as the womens territory.

The thing is, if my wife would be a little more patient with me & offer some guidance in those areas, I would be a little more willing to step in & help there. (BTW, I did three loads of laundry yesterday, & am just taking a break from the folding)

I recommend that you work out a chore board with him.

Share the workload with him. If he says that he'll do the things that he's scheduled to do, then you leave those things for him, & don't get mad & do them yourself when he lets things slide.

Include time for him to spend with the kids on that board as well. When it's his time then at least for the 1st little while GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. Go shopping, or visit a friend that is very far away, & not so convenient for him to call you back in when the going gets tough.

I know he comes home & plunks his behind down on the couch, or in front of the computer. He does that because YOU LET HIM.

Yeah, I know you think that nagging & fighting with him is not letting him get away with it, but believe me, it's a small price to pay compared to what he thinks is "MAN HELL".

I promise you he thinks that you have an easier time doing all of that stuff than he would, just because you are a woman.

Women are born for household chores, & raising our kids.

Men are made for manly stuff like going off to work, & comming home after a hard day & trying to do as much as we can from a sitting position.

He has to know that being a father to his kids requires more than a donation of sperm, or yelling out orders from the chair he happens to be in.

You are dead right, & he either knows it, or he's an idiot who is on the fast track to a divorce. From a mans perspective, I think he knows it. But somehow he believes that he can get away with his current behaviour, or he knows his time with it is running out, & he's stretching the boundaries for all that it's worth.

(I'm ratting him out here, ha ha ha!)

Like I said, let him know what his tasks are going to be, & when they need to be done. Then let it stand. If he doesn't do it, then he's not just letting you down, it's his entire family, & when guys realize that is what they are doing it becomes a strong motivator to get busy & do his share.

Sit him down and calmly and rationally talk to him. Tell him how frustrated you are and you need help with the kids. After all he is a parent also so it's his responsibility to do his share. Or take the kids, leave his lazy butt and get as much child support you can from him. Hurt him financially.

I agree with Tab on this one. Dr Phils man camp show is great. This will teach him how to do things and it will also teach you how to deal with and handle this situation with your husband. Stop nagging and fighting about him with it and see help from Dr Phil. http://www.drphil.com/ is the website to go to. You are right divorce is not the answer here. You just need help to learn how to deal with it and try to get help for something to change in the home. I wish you the best. Like I said i feel that Dr Phil can really help you in this situation. Hugs to you today.

Try asking for specifically what you want, when you want it, and if possible provide a choice. "Honey, right now, the dishes need to be done, and the baby needs a bath. Which one would you rather do? I'll do the other one." This method often works for the simple reason that it provides a multiple choice response, of which one is NOT "do nothing". Give it a try.

Why are you doing so much? If you chose to have children and then do all these side activities....it's never gonna work out- something will get neglected (husband,kids,school,work). Read "the proper care and feeding of husbands"- it has some really good advice that will help you open your husband's eyes.

I understand your problem. I struggled with this in the beginning when me and my husband first moved in together. He was then my fiance. If you want your huisband to help out more you have to take into account what motivates him. It sounds like you have a real attitude and I understand you have this attitude because your frustrated that he isn't helping you.

But he isn't helping because he's frustrated at your attitude. And since your the one who needs the help you need to change your methods of asking for it. Stop making make demands amd start making sweet requests. Remember that saying you catch more flies with honey. It's true. I find if I lay it out all sweet like- my husband more than happy to do most anything. Especially if afterwards I display lots gratitude and reward him.

Trying to order him around is so much less effective. It's like pulling teeth and most women don't even realize how they emasculate to their boyfriends or husbands just by the way they talk to them. I've learned to watch my tone. It"s not what you say but how you say it.

Don't expect him to change of night. But I promise if you do the following your husband will be turned around inside of 4 months.

#1. When your man comes home from work he needs at least 30 mins. of relative peace and quiet. Give him time to wind down before you load him up with all the grief of your day. After he's relaxed and fed then you can you can bring up what he needs to do or didn't around the house.

2.If your man says he's going to do something later. He really means later, ( like at least 2 hours from then or the next day) and the more you ask him about it the farther away later will get. Just ask once. Remind him gently if too much time has lapsed and you think he's forgotten. But more than three times is falling into the nagging category.

(Instead of bringing it up to my husband a third or forth time. I'll either do it myself, or if it's something I can't do. I'll add it to the to do list that always hangs on our refridgerator. I make sure to put his name in big bold letters beside the task.) This way I don't have to say a word and he usually takes the not so subtle hint.

# 3 Thank him. Even if he doesn't do things just right don't criticise. Try saying something like "You did I good job. I really appeicate how you've been pitching in and helping me out around here. I don't know what I would do with out your help. Do you know what i find as a could way to do ... so on and so on." And you gently explain how you would like it done all the while prasing him for the job he did do with out making him feel like crap.

# 4 Stroking his male ego on a regular basis!

As women we always talk about everything we want from our men.You want him to help put more around the house, but you have to ask yourself now and again, what am I doing to motivate that type of behavior from my man? Do you compliment him for everything he does? You should. Reward him for the little things. My husband loves it when I compliment him in public. It makes him want to do more and more. Stroke that ego whenever the opportunity presents it's self and he will be at so loyally your's. remember not to patronize or bos him around. He is not one of your children.

P.S. Don't sweat the small stuff & let him win an argument once and a while. Life is too short to spend it fighting just because you know you're right. Try this advice and in no time he'll be doing his share and more.

I haven't cleaned the house in 2 weeks. I'm trying to make the same point. He doesn't want me to hire someone to come clean (he's a tightwad, we can easilty afford it), and has said we'll all pitch in and do it. Well, he occasionally cleans the kitchen, and that's it. He refuses to do bathrooms or laundry. I can't wait til tomorrow when we're both off work, to see if he actually does anything. If he doesn't help, I'm going to hire someone myself.

You need to quit both of your part time jobs and let the man handle the finances. Threfore, now you will have time for being a wife and Mother....always remember your children are your #1 Priority.

Pick some chore that he cares about more than you and then stop doing it. Make it clear that if he wants it done, he will have to do it himself. Don't do it yourself, no matter how much it bothers you.

Or just accept that that is how he is and hire a maid service.

I saw something once on TV that cracked me up.....put a huge WIFE ON STRIKE sign in your yard....then stop doing things for him. Do what you have to do for you and the kids. I'd also cancel the internet, or box up the computer......stop nagging, but also stop everything else.