Hi, this is the first time I've ever posted on here. I'm married with 3 kids and my wife has recently told me?

Hi George,

Don't worry just yet, it's not over. Now I don't know if you're both working etc and whatever the trauma you have suffered somewhere along the way you may or she may have lost herself. This trauma, needs to be addressed and quickly before your wife looks at you as though you are dead, that is when it's over. Sorry to be so straight. Not to go on about me, but I speak from experience, my husband and I married late and have one child and two years ago we suffered a trauma and my husband pushed me away and all my emotional needs were not met. We have debt etc and who doesn't, but it was made worse because 'the team' was broken and so everything just fell apart. Any kind of trauma in any relationship needs addressing as soon as possible. Now I'm not sure what your trauma is, but it's quite annoying when people assume that things like a trauma can bring you closer together, when in fact it can rip your whole world apart, I know, I've been through it.

Your wife, may have met someone else, again if her emotional needs haven't been met and things in your marriage has gone bad, or she may just be depressed, again I don't know what you've been through. I know you may not like this, but women, especially your wife doesn't sound bad or the normal cheater, she may just be a bit lost.

I would never judge anyone now who do that sort of thing. Now the good thing is, she's actually telling you, and this may mean all is not lost. Don't change, but think about all the things you've done since before and what you've done after the trauma. Don't go out and start buying her flowers or spending lots of money as she won't want that especially if you're struggling for money. But do get a sitter and go out on a date, and do this at least once per month. Other times go out as a family together and have fun with the kids. Ask her if she's ok, ask her to go to see relate and if you love her you will do this straight away. Please take my word, she's thinking about giving up, if you leave it, she will be out of your life. Your wife and kids need you, and whatever the trauma was, they may all miss you, the old you? That's why I suggest having a good think about before and after the trauma. Don't take it for granted that because you are married that the fun should stop, if anything, it should be more fun now you have children. But again, I'm only thinking about what I'm like!

Just so you know, me and husband are going to be seperating, he is leaving in the new year. I told him last year exactly what your wife has told you, this was after our trauma, my husband has done nothing and I just feel I've been doing everything on my own. Literally pushed me out and now that I'm the one looking at him as though he is dead he now knows that I mean it and want out. Now, I just look at him as a friend, but I also think friends wouldn't treat each other the way we have. . I have to think about my child and it's better to have a happy divorce than an unhappy marriage. We have tried and I have tried but it's over now. So try and talk to her, but have a good think about your life before and after the trauma and evaluate what's happened and come out with it all.

Marriage is hard work, but like any other relationship you have to do new things, and your own things to bring freshness to it all. Good luck and sorry to go on!

X

That happens to a lot of couples especially ones that are married and have been together for years. I guess after a few years some people just get bored with the situation and their partners and start thinking about how nice it would be to live the single life again. Which is probably exactly what's going on with your wife right now and I'm sure that's what she's trying to say by telling you that. She wants to be free and live the single life again. I have a hard time understanding why a person that easily gets bored would ever agree to marriage in the first place, do they not know what marriage is? As far as you guys being able to bring the love back it depends because it really has to be an effort on both of your parts. So you may desperately want to keep your marriage intact but she may feel differently. She may feel that she is had enough of her old marriage routine and wants to go back into the world and be 21 again. And if she is set on having a different life then there is really nothing you can do but let her go. By they way I have to ask did you guys marry pretty young? This is a problem that occurs ALOT with couples that got married at say like 21 or 22.

Wow. You seem to do all the work in this relationship and she keeps on making demands and taking without giving. A relationship takes two, and both have to give, it's always about compromise, and it can really be hard sometimes, but it's worth it. She has you totally isolated, you have to give up your family because of her insecurities, that should have been a red flag right there. You should never have to give up your family unless they are doing something really awful to your spouse. A wife/spouse should be supportive. She does not seem to support you. She has a problem with you studying because you do not pay enough attention to her? WHATEVER. Your school is for both of you, it is your future investment. I don't know, she has serious issues, and maybe it is because her family is far away and she does not have a support system close by like you do with your family. That could be the real issue. She sounds young, immature, and definitely does not know how to commit to a marriage, or exactly what it encompasses. I think you said all the right things by, she should come home only when she is ready, and not for you. She needs to think long and hard if this is what she really wants. Maybe she is making excuses and is finding it hard to tell you that she does not want to be married anymore. I would ask her all this. Maybe write her a letter. A letter gives you time to think exactly what to say, and be more purposeful in your answers. Good luck to you, I feel bad for you.

I'm guessing your kids are still relatively young. My husband and I went through this-- where you've been so busy taking care of the kids' needs, your careers, in-laws, home-- that you sort of look at each other and realize you aren't "fireworks, head-over-heels" in love anymore.

First, I think your wife is selling your relationship short. Marriage isn't about shooting flames and heart-pounding passion 24/7. Marriage is more stable, more like the embers than the flames. Not that the flames don't happen, but the core love is much more calming an life-giving. The love is still there, it just looks different.

Having said that, it's easy to go from "getting along well" to complacency. Remember when you were dating, how you'd think of new things to find out about each other? Remember when you couldn't wait to try new things together? You still need to do that. You can't settle for "we've done it all, I know what she thinks and wants". When my husband and I started to feel this way we looked for new hobbies to do together and chose camping. We loved that the kids enjoyed camping, but we also found that we could steal away for some intimate moments of our own. We saw each other in this new context and were again excited to be together, with something we looked forward to together.

That would be my suggestion-- find something to look forward to or to work toward together. Could be a home improvement project or some hobby. Or maybe it's a hotel get-away every 6 or 8 weeks. Find something that becomes a game for you-- and best if it's something that sparks some alone, intimate time.

Good luck.

she is board, you need to spice things up some!

Bring her home flowers, just because...

Take her out on a date, Yes a Date! Dress up fit to kill.

Take her out shopping let her buy something she desires.

Plan to go on a neat trip somewhere she wants to go make it special.

Follow through on the trip plans.

Start talking to her more. Help with the kids give baths brush teeth do some laundry. Keep it up too.

Don't come home and fall on the couch. Laughing together, even a walk in a park, get up and start

living again.

Tell her how important she is to you and never take that for granted.

Fights in fussing are healthy and not normal if you don't have conflicts are a good way to get to know one another. If you do somethings that are nice for her. Like hun will you get me a coke out of the fridge don't make her ask twice. Remember our dads to most females would loose it if they had to ask twice. Take her out on the town ask her to dress up make her feel good. Buy her a new dress or something. Show the world that you love this gal she is the lady of your life. Make her feel like a queen. After all she is your queen! The next day you all have together ask her what she would like to do. Her world is routine right now and she is slowly dying on the inside. She has sent you and SOS. Why don't you cook her supper? Can you grill? Start making fresh flowers on the table a new routine for her. After all she deserves it. You can buy them once or twice a month.

Oh, man. That is lousy. So sorry for you.

It seems that you have gotten into a rut and sometimes that is difficult to get out of. It might mean that you need to go to counseling to find out how you got to this stage in your relationship. Are you a good provider, but not there emotionally for her?

Yes, there is hope. It will take more effort on your part to "win her back", but it can be done. I would go to counseling with or without her to get a professional's take on this. Good luck to you sir.

It could be you need to change.Perhaps give your wife more support in the home.Help around the house more.Give her control of the remotes .If she wants a change you could be that change.Let her initiate sex and let her decide as much as she is comfortable with.

3 children is a lot to take care of she may just feel a drudge help her feel in charge and a woman again.

Give her back rubs and small gifts to make her feel loved.

This must be very hard for you, and I am sorry this happened to you. I know it's hard to hear, but maybe you should break up. It's not like there will be some huge fight over who gets the kids, you will be fair to each other as friends, and you will love each other, as friends do. You will fall in love with someone else, and you will love her. Your wife will find someone else as well. And you will both love you children together.

But please remember, this is ultimately your decision with your wife. This is my view on things and do not let anyone, including myself, influence your decision.

Couple of question though:

How long have you guys been married? 20+ years?

Did she say she's got feelers for others?

My observation is,after 20+ years in a marriage ,naturally, people will not find it the same way as it was before.It is bound to change.If you wanna give it a shot,i suggest you guys head out to any place that you had toured in your younger days of which you have a distinct memory/photographs.

Well, it sounds as if you two have fallen into the routine grind of married life. Romance her again, George. I bet that spark will reignite with just a little work on both your parts. And don't think that just because she thinks of you more as a friend than a romantic partner that the love is gone. It isn't gone, it has just transformed into something else. It is a natural progression, and one I think is more valuable than the fleetingness of romantic love. Romantic love is the catalyst, deep and familiar love is the glue that binds. Good luck.