whenwhalesfly

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, " Hi...You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job ! "

The social worker behind the counter says, " Your time is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around his Mercedes, but he'll supply all your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year. "

The guy, wide-eyed, says " You're bullshittin' me ! "

The social worker says, " Yeah, well...you started it. "

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business.

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, " And how much do you make a week ? "

A little surprised, the young man looks at him and replies, " I make $300.00 a week. Why? "

The CEO then hands the guy $1,200.00 in cash and screams, " Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back ! "

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and ask, " Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here ? "

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers muttered,

" Pizza delivery boy from Domino's. "

There are 18 different animal shapes in the Animal Crackers cookie zoo.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

No piece of a square dry paper can be folded more than 7 times.

Over 2500 left handed people a year are killed from using products made for right handed people.

If you counted 24 hours a day, it would take 31,688 years to reach one trillion.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

Porcupines float in water.

The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog" uses every letter in the alphabet.

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds.

A quarter has 119 grooves on its edge, a dime has one less.

A cockroach can live several weeks with its head cut off-it dies from starvation.

You're born with 300 bones but when you get to be an adult you only have 206.

A sneeze travels out of your mouth at over 100 mph.

One gallon of used motor oil can ruin one million gallons of fresh water.

The opposite sides of a dice cube adds up to seven.

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phones numbers for your family of 3.

4. You email the person at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have email addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on tv has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone. which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 ( or 60 ) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around and go get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting you head sideways to smile. :- )

12. You're to busy to notice there was not # 9 on this list.

13. You actually went back up to see if # 9 was here.

At Duke Universtiy there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an " A " so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a huge party. They had a great time, but after all the hearty party, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Mon. They decided to take the final on Tues. They explained to the Professor they had visited friends and had a flat tire on the way home. The professor agreed they could take the final the next day.

Next day, the Professor put them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth five points. Cool, they thought, thinking this was going to be easy....then they turned the page.

On the second page was written....

For 95 points: Which tire?

A Texas cowboy walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male Pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said she was the Pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help the gentleman. The cowpoke said that it was something he would be much more comfortable dicussing with a male Pharmacist. The female Pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was he needed to discuss, he could be confindant that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism. The old bronco-buster agreed and began saying, " This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what could you give me for it. "

The Pharmacist said, the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car & $3,000 a month plus living expenses.

Mathematical formula that might help you answer this question.

IF: ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ is represented as:

1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-23-24-25-26...

Then HARDWORK:

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11= 98%

AND KNOWLEDGE:

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5+= 96%

BUT ATTITUDE:

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5= 100%

AND BULLSH+T:

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20+= 103%

AND look how far A++KISSING GOES:

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7+= 127%

So one can conclude with mathematical certainty that HARDWORK and KNOWLEDGE will get you close and ATTITUDE will get you there, it's the BULLSH+T and the A++KISSING that will put you over the top.

I have a coin and on this coin it says, Tuolumne Saloon Jamestown Ca. good for $.5 in trade.

Anyone have any knowledge about this coin, I thank you in advance.

Some person has taken Jerry Springer...Does anyone know where he is ? Can't find him on TV anymore.....Imagine that....

A man leaves home and makes three left turns. On the way home he meets two mask men. Who are they???

First one to get it right gets the 10 points...

Sam, a 24 year old man that had everything going for him. He adopted me as his second Mom. We were very close. I noticed from the beginning of August that he was depressed. He owned half of a business. On August 28th, 2006, he committed suicide. He left a suicide note in his car....How does a person deal with a suicide? Sam was very intelligent and he had a personality for people that was outstanding. He left so many people behind that loved him so.

This guy wore a black hat, black tie, black shirt, black pants, black boots and wore a black holster for his gun. Can anyone help me with the name of this western and what was the man's name? I Need to know the name that he played on the show, not his real name. This western was on every single week. Oops, he also had black hair and a black mustache.

Thank you in advance for all answers. This has been on my mind since last night. Please help..

I got my picture on Yahoo Messenger but can't for some reason get it on this site. What do I do and what am I doing wrong?

Please be nice..Thanks

Please teach me how to get my picture on here.

Please be nice. Thank you.

I don't really know what catagory to put this under.

It is a small hobby of mine.

On the front of the coin there is a man sitting holding a small flag. There are 13 stars around him.

On the back it says United States of America. There is a wreath and in the middle of the wreath it say one dime.

The date on this coin is 1857.

Can anyone tell me if this coin is worth anything and does the 13 stars on this coin mean states?

Thank all of you for your answers and have a great day. .

It is a small hobby of mine.

On the front of the coin there is a man sitting holding a small flag. There are 13 stars around him.

On the back it says United States of America. There is a wreath and in the middle of the wreath it say one dime.

The date on this coin is 1857.

Can anyone tell me if this coin is worth anything and does the 13 stars on this coin mean states?

Thank all of you for your answers and have a great day. I don't feel this is the correct category but couldn't find anything about coins.

What on earth is happening to the USA?

Chevron made a 4.35 BILLION DOLLAR PROFIT, just in the quarter. What can we do as American Citizens to stop the price gouging of the gasline? I am really tried our government saying it is because of the Middle East........HELLO....The Middle East has nothing to do with Chevron making such a profit. What do you think and what can we do, if anything?