Hoot

Where is it written in the Quran, what exactly did the Prophet Mohammed say, where did Allah imply, it was proper to behead an uninvolved, innocent, Polish, civilian worker, for revenge? I'm trying to understand beheading someone as a valid religious statement, or action.

Don't waste your time bashing Israel, America, or Pakistan, or anyone else. I know full well they are not saints. That's politics, not religion. And please don't insult my intelligence by saying al-Qaida and the Taliban are not Islamic religious organizations.

Just answer my question as posted. I'm trying to understand Muslim thinking! Can I get one calm answer from a knowledgeable, intellectual, individual who understands what is taking place within Islam today, that justifies such actions, and can state clearly it in words not containing rhetoric, hatred, or bias?

This is an intellectual question.

DERA ISMAIL KHAN, Pakistan – A video delivered to media outlets appears to show Pakistani militants beheading a kidnapped Polish engineer, underscoring security fears in the Muslim nation ahead of a debut visit Monday by a newly appointed Obama administration envoy.

Pakistan has witnessed several attacks on foreigners in recent months as its overall security has deteriorated amid a growing al-Qaida and Taliban-led insurgency. In early February, an American U.N. worker was abducted in the southwestern city of Quetta, purportedly by separatists.

The seven-minute video appears to show the Polish hostage, Piotr Stanczak, sitting on the floor flanked by two masked men. Off camera, a militant briefly engages him in conversation before three others behead him. One of the hooded men then addresses the camera, blaming Pakistan for the killing for not agreeing to their demands to release Taliban prisoners.

of companies receiving federal bailout money? There is such a bill pending in the Senate right now. Should we write our Senators and Representatives to support such an effort? Or do the companies really have a point when they say they need those bonuses to keep qualified employees?

"A creature in classical mythology who was part man and part goat. Satyrs were famous for being constantly drunk and for chasing nymphs."

I know a cucumber has a better chance, but can an eggplant convert to Satyrism? Would everyone get into a "stew" about it?

Why are "nymphs" not listed in the Yellow Pages? Otherwise, how does one find them?

Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico .

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si,Senor. Sometimes the bull wins!'

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 20 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that sh*t?'

I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I've stopped fishing.

Rake Leaves?

My wife demands the leaves be raked each Fall. I patiently explain to her that it is the "Natural Order" for leaves to fall on the ground, and they need to be left there because it is God's will.

She thinks I'm full of Sh*t, and says so to my face! Then she goes out to rake leaves all day. I can see her lips move as she mumbles curses under her breath, while she rakes!

I pray for her, as I watch TV inside, but I'm afraid she will go to hell!

Do you think she is damned because:

1) She rakes leaves?

2) She shows a complete disrespect for her husband's moral beliefs?

3) She got right up in my face and told me I was full of sh*t?

4) I'll certainly go to hell, because I am full of sh*t?

Don't hold any punches...This porker can take a take a beating, and never stop eating! (snort! snort! snort!)

The History of the Middle Finger

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute!

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.

Hilarius! Suitable for all to watch......

http://s2.photobucket.com/albums/y20/PerthPurplePe...

For a woman to realize she loves someone, is it instinct, is it exposure to a personality, is it physical, is it mental, is it a learned behavior, all of the above, none of the above?

What takes an initial impression of simple curiosity, and makes it start to burn with the flames of passion, love, desire and need?

Inquiring minds want to know?

Is it better to live a married life of quiet desperation, and enjoy the benefits of marriage, the stability, the presence of a significant other, a home, relatives, someone to talk to, and occasionally love?

Or is it better to risk leaving this platform of solidity, which we cling to so tightly, and cast ourselves into the seas of uncertainty, seeking to fill the lonely void within our souls, the unfilled needs within our bodies, the unanswered questions to an indifferent spouse?

"Political language -- and with variations this is true of all political parties, from Conservatives to Anarchists -- is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind."

George Orwell, "Politics and the English Language"

I read, over and over, where women allow men to treat them like a piece of meat, and not a loved and respected individual, that the man is lucky to have in his life.

I fail to understand this. Every woman is a unique creature, beautiful and radiant inside, full of love and compassion, and worthy companions. Why accept a man who wants only to satisfy his needs and desires, but not yours?

I know you have a maternal instinct, but some of these losers are beyond belief, and I don't comprehend why women tolerate them as long as they do?

When you look in a mirror, don't you see the same human being that I do, with wants, desires, needs, concerns, feelings, and emotions that need to be attended to?

What am I missing here?

Bill S. had oil wells on his South Texas ranch, a lot of them, and most were producing handsomely. One day, an electrical short took place on one of the pump motors and a tremendous explosion took place.

Where there had once been a well producing over 600 barrels of crude per day, along with recovery of natural gas, there now was a tower of white hot flames leaping over 100 feet into the air, burning thousands of dollars of precious oil every hour that went by.

Bill S. ran to his phone and called Red Adaire, world famous oil well fire fighter. He was advised that the fee would be $250,000, plus equipment rental and dynamite handling fees. Bill hung up. He was well to do, but wasn't about to spend that kind of money. He looked at national advertisement and called several companies that specialized in oil well fires. Each had the same story. Putting the fire out was cheap, what cost so much was moving men and heavy equipment thousands of miles to get to his ranch.

Bill had a brainstorm. He was mere miles from the Mexican border. He grabbed the local phone book and sure enough, there in the yellow pages, in a tiny ad, was listed "Juan's Oil Well Fires, Extinquished Cheap".

Bill quickly called the number, just across the border. A quiet voice answered in somewhat broken English..."Yes, this is Juan and I put out oil well fires! Where are you at? Hokay, I can get there this afternoon and the cost will be $5000.00, plus $50.00 for gas for the truck!"

"Agreed!" shouted Bill S. and slammed down the receiver. Out he went to the well and waited.

After about two hours, across the dry, flat dusty desert, Bill saw a swirl of dust in the distance. As the noon sun beat down on his sweating brow, he squinted into the distance and the swirl got closer and closer, headed straight for the raging fire.

When it got closer to the fire, Bill could see the truck was old and battered, but filled with equipment, shovels, explosives and was still headed rapidly toward the fire.

Bill started to become mildly concerned as the truck, with its driver and ten strong men in the bed of the truck still headed directly toward the raging inferno. Faster and faster and faster the truck went toward the fire.

Bill screamed in absolute horror, as he watched the truck roll to a stop directly on top of the raging flames. To his utter amazement, he watched as the brave, strong men quickly lept from the bed of the truck, and began to jump about in a frenzy, stomping at the roaring flames, and beating them with their hats, paunchos, gloves, and blankets.

Before Bill's incredulous eyes, he watched as the men eventually beat the fire down to a complete stop, and capped the well head.

A single man, obviously Juan, came walking over to Bill. Juan's hat was black, singed, still smouldering, his pauncho had holes in it from the terrible flames, and his boots still smoked from the heat.

Bill grabbed his wallet and handed Juan $5000 and said "That was the most incredible thing I have ever seen in my life. The courage, the skill, the strength, the men's abilities were were breath-taking! Hey, $5000 is a lot of money in Mexico, what will you do with it?"

"Well," said Juan in a laid back, easy going voice, "Thee vary first thing I will do is get the brakes fixed on that damned truck!!!"

One day, as I drove down the highway, pondering the many problems I faced at home, at work, and in my cluttered life...and for which there seemed to be no answer, I saw a truck ahead of me with a sign boldly plastered on the back for all to see.

The sign read: "Can't seem to get moving? Are you stuck? Do you find yourself in a rut? "Call Jesus toll-free at 1-888-555-0893"

On an impulse I pulled over and dialed that number. A strange voice on the phone asked where I was located. I told the voice, and I was advised to wait there.

Puzzled, I began to become worried...what if there really was Divine Intervention in life, but offered to a select few. I began to prepare my questions and problems in my mind...

Fifteen minutes later, a very polite Mexican gentleman pulled in in a tow truck!

TRAIN TICKET

Three women and three men are traveling by train to the football game. At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.

'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asks one of the men.

'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women.

They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket, please.'

The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!

'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' asks one perplexed man.

'Watch and learn,' answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into a toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.

She knocks on their door and says, 'Ticket please.'

Note to men from "O":

"Admit defeat, struggle is futile! Their brains, and especially their equipment, is clearly superior to ours! We are much safer in their arms, than being their enemies!"

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of dumb blond jokes when a huge blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and shouts, "OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor!"

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blond pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

”I think you're bad luck!"

Q. Should I have a baby after 35?

A. No, 35 children is enough.

Q. When will my baby move?

A. With any luck, right after he finishes high school.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?

A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?

A. Yes, your bladder.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?

A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?

A. Childbirth.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?

A. 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.

A. So what's your question?

Q. What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?

A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q. How long is the average woman in labor?

A. Whatever she says, divided by two.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?

A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?

A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.

Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

A. Yes, pregnancy.

Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?

A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?

A. In your breasts.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?

A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?

A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q. How does one sanitize nipples?

A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q. What are the terrible twos?

A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?

A. When you see teeth marks.

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?

A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

A. When the kids are in college.

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man screams. "This is her husband!"

Would it be the Post Hoc Fallacy?

"Post hoc ergo propter hoc?"

No cheating now!