Fiber One

I am so out of touch with my heritage. I was adopted, so naturally, I'm naive, but I know my father's last name: Blackbird. I understand that this alone cannot tell me my full heritage, but is there a predominate culture connected with this surname?

Sorry, I'm always sort of embarrassed when asked of my ancestry. Any help would be appreciated.

I saw her one early morning on Comedy Central Presents and almost choked on my Mulitgrain Cheerios laughing. (Didn't take down her name though, she was on four or five days ago, I think.)

She was blond and was talented at imitating voices. She also had a lot of ideas like "my mom a monster and me" and the reality show where people would pick out your every flaw and then "no bus would come." She also told a lot of stories about office life, I remember one quote distinctly, "There's someone singing Spanish folk songs in the unisex bathroom."

Can anyone help me out here? Her name was Marie or Maria, or something.

Thanks.

Since I don't eat anything that's not in 100 calorie pre-packaged form and/or full of fake sugars I've got nothing else in the house to eat. I may just starve without my Nabisco Roasted Ritz Crackers pack!

I was thinking about eating my sister's friends. Does anyone know how many calories per ounce human meat is?

Any other suggestions?

Don't tell me anything about Global Warming, that's a load of knuckle sandwich. And also, don't you try and pull my leg, Melissa Etheridge, ice don't melt that fast.

What's the real reason these fool polar bears are drowning? I'd like a straight answer.

(Except not really.)

No rules, no mercy.

It's like the mother of all carpet burns. It feels like a swallowed a cat.

Should I consider a doctor visit or just tough it out with my boo-boo ice pack?

My sister has yet to notice the new lip-skirt. How do I break the bad news to her?

I also spiked her Red Bulls with HGH.

Swiftly, she is changing into something inhuman. How do I remedy this situation without the government capturing her and releasing her into the wilds of Africa?

I can't tell what I supposed to do. But I know that I have a choice: murder or sloppy kisses.

You decide.

Unlucky me, I've got a cavity located on the front of my bottom canine. And I'm being haunted by the ever-approaching day of my dentist appointment.

I've got the smallest threshold for pain in the world--I'm just a big wuss. And I would like to use laughing gas instead of the Novocaine shots.

I heard it's pricey, though. How expensive will this be exactly? Anyone know?

(I'm not sure if it's called laughing gas anymore, but I think most people will understand. It's a gas and it knocks you out.)

I was thinking donating some of the hush money he gave me to an oncology ward.

Any other ideas?

Oh, sorry, got to go, my John Edwards love child is crying.

Bye!

A television researcher--for like a talk show, for guests, bits, etc, or news programs.

An audience manager--again, for talk shows, or for those rare comedies with studio audiences.

Camera person.

Producer.

Page--for NBC, not sure if other networks have pages.

Thanks.

During an interview Bill said he was a soldier from the 20's. That kind of confused me, being that the movie's a stoner comedy.

How does Bill Hader fit into the plot? Some pot-induced flashback?

I'm broke and for sure not wasting my money on a movie right now.

Thanks.

I've heard the two being compared before, but never saw much of a connection other than their brilliant songwriting.

But yesterday on "Tonight" he was the musical guest and boy did he sound like Bob. At least to me.

It almost seems like he's trying to be Bob Dylan--his vocal style was quite similar and the band that backed him also was kind of reminiscent.

There's nothing wrong with it, but does any else see it? Or what?

All right, while in NYC I took a tour at NBC--and became absolutely enamored with the idea of getting a job there. I'm most interested in things behind the scenes like a producer. Can someone give me detailed job descriptions of some other behind-the-scenes jobs? And are there certain degrees or beginner jobs I should look into for these?

Thank you.

http://flickr.com/photos/lavietoni/2106304831/

How does one get their hair like that--across the head horizontially? How long must hair be? Can the style be achieved with shoulder lenght hair? Or even some modified version?

It's a stunning hairstyle, so if anyone can help me, it'd be awesome.

With the election swiftly approaching I've realized like the fool I am, that I have absolutely no idea who the political candidates are as politicians and what they stand for. Sure, I've watched all of the SNL political sketches and whatever, but I don't know anything about them other than that Obama's middle name is "Hussein," and that McCain's an old, ex-POW.

Can someone elaborate on McCain's and Obama's platforms are? I don't want any biased crap, I just want facts, so leave your political opinions at the door and help a poor, ignorant soul figure it out.

(i,e, Economic plans, environmental stance, war in Iraq, healthcare, etc.)

How does one change the jpegs on a Canon Powershot s5 IS? I'm kind of stumped here.

Anyone out there know?

Caught Hellboy last night on TV and enjoyed it, and being a nerd, now want to get into the comics.

So are HB and Liz an item in the comics, or is this just some del Toro creative license? I was just wondering, because watching Hellboy pine after Liz was kind of compelling--I like me some unrequited love.

So? Are they or what?

I know this in an extremely oversaturated topic, but I'd like to know what those more experienced than I in photography think about my captures.

I'm fifteen and I'd like to improve--so feel free to give me a serving of critisism, you know, overexposed, weird comp., etc.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/heartless_wench/sets/...

(I know I'm a little macro-crazy. Forgive me.)

Thanks.