Cap.n1Eye

ATD - at the doctor.

BFF - best friend fell.

BTW -bring the wheelchair .

BYOT - bring your own teeth.

FWIW - forgot where I was.

GGPBL - gotta go, pacemaker battery low.

GHA - got heartburn again.

IMHO - is my hearing aid on?

LMDO -laughing my dentures out.

IPM- I pooped myself.

OMMR - on my massage recliner.

ROFLACGU - rolling on floor laughing and can't get up

as a Christian?

Go get 'em, Dizz

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2,000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight one evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling

8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower.

11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

16. 2,000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

19. 1,000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 lederhosen

20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations = 1 decoration

23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

26. 2.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

ADULT - A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR - A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL - Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS - The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE - A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST - Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST - Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF - Cold Storage.

INFLATION - Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO - An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN - Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET - Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON - A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE - The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW - One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

WRINKLES - Something other people have, similar to your character lines.

YAWN - An honest opinion openly expressed.

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2,000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 ban nanosecond

5. Weight one evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knot-furlong

7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling

8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarse power.

11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

16. 2,000 mockingbirds = 2 kilo mockingbirds

17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig-Newton

19. 1,000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 lederhosen

20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations = 1 decoration

23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

26. 2.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

1. Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.

'You don't?' I asked.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

'That's right.'

2.I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed up. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider,' looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'

I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'

She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.

3. A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy'

4.I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.

She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'

'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.

'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.'

5.Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?'

'Just use paper from the photocopier,' the secretary told her.

With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies. (Brunette, by the way)

6.A mother called 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needed to take her kid to the emergency room - the kid had eaten ants.

The dispatcher told her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine.

Tthe mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer........'

Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'

Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!! - John Wayne

A young lady accompanied her father to the barber shop. She was standing very close to the chair, eating a snack cake when the barber said"You're going to get hair on your Twinkie."

She replied, "Yes, and I'm going to grow boobs, too."

Two hunters from Cleveland hired a bush pilot to fly them in to Canada for the moose hunt. They bagged four.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can only take two moose.

The two hunters objected strongly, stating, "Last year we shot four moose, and the pilot let us put them all on board, and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all four were loaded.

Unfortunately, even at full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and crashed a few minutes after takeoff.

Climbing out of the wreck, Stanisilaw asked Wladek, "Any idea where we are?"

Wladek replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen,"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

A woman touring Europe cabled her husband the following message: "Have found a wonderful bracelet. Price seventy-five thousand dollars. May I buy it?"

Her husband immediately responded with the message: "No, price too high."

However, the telegraph operator missed the one small detail in his transmission - the signal for a comma after the word "No."

She received the following reply: "No price too high." Elated by the good news, she bought the bracelet. When she returned to the U.S. and showed the new bracelet to her shocked husband, he filed a lawsuit against the telegraph company - and won!

Czar Alexander III personally dictated the death sentence of a prisoner with the following words: "Pardon impossible, to be sent to Siberia."

His wife, Dagmar (Daughter of Christian IX, King of Denmark) believed him to be innocent and wrote the following: "Pardon, impossible to be sent to Siberia."

An English professor wrote these words - "Woman without her man is nothing." - on the blackboard and asked the class to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote "Woman: without her, man is nothing."

A man watching a football game on TV kept switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple. "I don't know whether to watch them or the game," he said to his wife.

"For heaven's sake, watch them," his wife said. "You already know how to play football!"

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and his blonde wife were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."So the good wife went out and moved her car.

Just a week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

And the very next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.. You must park...." Then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, " I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

Then with all the love and understanding in his voice, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time."

Irish Virginity Test Kit.

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said,'Well, you need three things from a Do-It-Yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint... And a shovel.'

Paddy asked, 'And what do I do with these, doc?'

The doc replied, 'Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw", you hit her with the shovel.'

One hot summer day, Bubba came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, "Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?"

Bubba said it was his.

"Your dog seems to be in heat" the officer said.

Bubba replied, "No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree."

The policeman said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."

"No way," said Bubba. "That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin'."

The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex!"

Bubba looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog."

...or do you just let her sleep?

Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for about the last five years I've been a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied thoughtfully. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

Gonorrhea Lectim - The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease. The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim..And pronounced "gonna re-elect ‘em."

Many victims contracted it in 2008, after having been screwed for the past two years. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how destructive this disease has become - since it is easily cured....by voting out all incumbents!

A group of 40 year old buddies discuss-and-discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally is agreed upon that they should meet at Gasthaus Gutenberger restaurant because they have very nice waitresses who wear low cut blouses.

Ten years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again, and once again they discuss-and-discuss where they should eat. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because the food there is very good, as is the wine selection.

Ten years later, at 60 years of age, the group again meets and once again they discuss-and-discuss where they should eat. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because they can eat there in peace and quiet, and the restaurant is smoke free.

Ten years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again... and once again they discuss-and-discuss where they should eat. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible.... plus they even have an elevator.

Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again. Once again they discuss-and-discuss where they should eat. Finally, they have a great idea to meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger..... because they have never been there before.

At one point during a hard-fought game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?'

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?'

The little boy nodded yes.

'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse,

attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. . Do you understand all that?'

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsman-ship to call your coach 'a dumb a$$hole' is it?'

Again the little boy nodded.

'Good,' said the coach. 'Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.'