☺I'll Try Tooo Be Nice ☺

Wrong number!!!!

**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**

**"Hello?'**

**'Hi honey.**

**This is Daddy.**

**Is Mommy near the phone?'**

**'No, Daddy.**

**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**

**After a brief pause,**

**Daddy says,**

**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**

**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**

**Right now.'**

Brief Pause.

**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**

**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**

**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**

**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**

**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**

**A few minutes later**

**The little girl comes back to the phone.**

**'I did it, Daddy.'**

**'And what happened, honey?' **

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**

**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**

**And now she isn't moving at all!'**

**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**

**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**

**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**

**And into the swimming pool.**

**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**

**Last week to clean it.**

**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**

*****Long Pause*****

*****Longer Pause*****

*****Even Longer Pause*****

**Then Daddy says,**

**'Swimming pool? ...........**

**Is this 486-5731?'*

**No, I think you have the wrong number........

A Rod was telling the whole world how stupid he was for using Drugs. Should he along with everyone else {Berry Bonds} be band from playing any major league Baseball?

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know

where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch

when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their Butt to search the entire room

for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the

channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".

Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is.

Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do

this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I

paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the _____ floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a

choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then

there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then

there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest

damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come

yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumb____?

PLEASE DO THIS 'FREE' GOOD DEED - Animal Rescue

Hi, all you animal lovers. This is pretty simple... Please tell ten friends to tell ten today! The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota of getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute (How about 20 seconds) to go to their site and click on the purple box 'fund food for animals' for free. This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.

http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com/

PLEASE TELL 10 FRIENDS !!!

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?

________________________________________

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?

Why does someone

Believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?

________________________________________

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

________________________________________

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

________________________________________

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

________________________________________

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

________________________________________

If people evolved from apes,

Why are there still apes?

________________________________________

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

________________________________________

Is there ever a day that mattresses

Are not on sale?

________________________________________

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

________________________________________

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

________________________________________

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

________________________________________

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

________________________________________

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

________________________________________

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

________________________________________

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

________________________________________

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

________________________________________

And my FAVORITE.... ..

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

THIS WAS VOTED BEST SHORT JOKE OF 2008 (in the USA)

For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front d oor with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'

Little Johnny told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike.

A sad tale if I ever heard one!

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.'

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, 'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ' he said with a deep sigh, . ...... . . . .. .

(scroll down)!

'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

,

There were five houses of religion in a small town:

The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church, the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

The Catholic Church came up with a great solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas . Bert always

wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he

bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,

'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed

and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the

boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different

NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging

down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down

again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S

HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'>

'Nope', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY

NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression,

Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.

Shoulda bought a hat.'

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Bush is one.

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

What is it?

Answer below! (this is pretty good )

***************************

The answer is: 'A Last Name.'

You didn't think I'd send you a dirty joke, did you?

How many of you have ever asked for directions And the person that is telling you uses the slang term Over Yonder Now I have been a Truck Driver for 10 years And I have Never seen "OVER YONDER" on any map

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The only problem was that the poor lady was not very proficient in English. Although she did manage to communicate with her husband, she had a real problem whenever she had to shop for groceries

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked

like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts; again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(Please scroll down.)

What were you thinking?

Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!

I just don't know about you

sometimes!

SUPERBOWL

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty. He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.

"No," the man replied, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the first man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This will be the first Super bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral.."

WHY AM I MARRIED?

You have two choices in life:

You can stay single and be miserable,

or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,'Aren' t

you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?''Yes, I am. I

married the wrong man.'

__________

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: 'Husband Wanted'.Next

day she received a hundred le

tters. They all said the same thing:

'You can have mine.'

__________

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better

revenge than to let her keep him.

__________

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is

finished .

__________

A little boy asked his father,'Daddy, how much does it

cost to get married?'

Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'

_________

A young son asked,'Is it true Dad, that in some parts

of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'

Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'

__________

Then there was a woman who said,'I never knew what real

happiness was until I got married,

and by then, it was too late.'

__________

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

__________

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention

to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

_________

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through

life thinking they had no faults at all.

__________

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'Second guy

remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

_________

'A Woman's Prayer:Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand

a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods.

Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death'

was born without a belly button. In its place was a silver screw.

All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it ......

He was screwed.

All the years of growing up were real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house... thus, he never made any friends.

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a Swami in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him.

He was thrilled. The next day, he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal .

After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a large Monastery. The Swami knew exactly why he had come. The screwy guy was told to sleep in the highest tower of the Monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed. The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep.

During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window. In the mist floated a solid silver screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.

The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the silver screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there!

Jubilant, he leaped out of bed...... and his butt fell off.

The moral to this is:

'Don't screw around with things you don't understand... you could lose your ***.'

a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a silver screw.

All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it ......

He was screwed.

All the years of growing up were real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house... thus, he never made any friends.

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a Swami in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him.

He was thrilled. The next day, he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal .

After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a large Monastery. The Swami knew exactly why he had come. The screwy guy was told to sleep in the highest tower of the Monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed. The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep.

During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window. In the mist floated a solid silver screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.

The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the silver screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there!

Jubilant, he leaped out of bed...... and his butt fell off.

The moral to this is:

'Don't screw around with things you don't understand... you could lose your ***.'

A letter from the boss

Posted on Monday, January 19, 2009 9:35:25 AM by Las Vegas Ron

To All My Valued Employees,

There have been some rumblings around the office about the future of this company, and more specifically, your job. As you know, the economy has changed for the worse and presents many challenges. However, the good news is this: The economy doesn't pose a threat to your job. What does threaten your job however, is the changing political landscape in this country.

However, let me tell you some little tidbits of fact which might help you decide what is in your best interests.

First, while it is easy to spew rhetoric that casts employers against employees, you have to understand that for every business owner there is a back story. This back story is often neglected and overshadowed by what you see and hear. Sure, you see me park my Mercedes outside. You've seen my big home at last years Christmas party. I'm sure; all these flashy icons of luxury conjure up some idealized thoughts about my life.

However, what you don't see is the back story.

I started this company 28 years ago. At that time, I lived in a 300 square foot studio apartment for 3 years. My entire living apartment was converted into an office so I could put forth 100% effort into building a company, which by the way, would eventually employ you.

My diet consisted of Ramen Pride noodles because every dollar I spent went back into this company. I drove a rusty Toyota Corolla with a defective transmission. I didn't have time to date. Often times, I stayed home on weekends, while my friends went out drinking and partying. In fact, I was married to my business -- hard work, discipline, and sacrifice.

Meanwhile, my friends got jobs. They worked 40 hours a week and made a modest $50K a year and spent every dime they earned. They drove flashy cars and lived in expensive homes and wore fancy designer clothes. Instead of hitting the Nordstrom's for the latest hot fashion item, I was trolling through the Goodwill store extracting any clothing item that didn't look like it was birthed in the 70's. My friends refinanced their mortgages and lived a life of luxury. I, however, did not. I put my time, my money, and my life into a business with a vision that eventually, some day, I too, will be able to afford these luxuries my friends supposedly had.

So, while you physically arrive at the office at 9am, mentally check in at about noon, and then leave at 5pm, I don't. There is no "off" button for me. When you leave the office, you are done and you have a weekend all to yourself. I unfortunately do not have the freedom. I eat, and breathe this company every minute of the day. There is no rest. There is no weekend. There is no happy hour. Every day this business is attached to my hip like a 1 year old special-needs child. You, of course, only see the fruits of that garden -- the nice house, the Mercedes, the vacations... You never realize the back story and the sacrifices I've made.

Now, the economy is falling apart and I, the guy that made all the right decisions and saved his money, have to bail-out all the people who didn't. The people that overspent their paychecks suddenly feel entitled to the same luxuries that I earned and sacrificed a decade of my life for.

Yes, business ownership has is benefits but the price I've paid is steep and not without wounds.

Unfortunately, the cost of running this business, and employing you, is starting to eclipse the threshold of marginal benefit and let me tell you why:

I am being taxed to death and the government thinks I don't pay enough. I have state taxes. Federal taxes. Property taxes. Sales and use taxes. Payroll taxes. Workers compensation taxes. Unemployment taxes. Taxes on taxes. I have to hire a tax man to manage all these taxes and then guess what? I have to pay taxes for employing him. Government mandates and regulations and all the accounting that goes with it, now occupy most of my time. On Oct 15th, I wrote a check to the US Treasury for $288,000 for quarterly taxes. You know what my "stimulus" check was? Zero. Nada. Zilch.

The question I have is this: Who is stimulating the economy? Me, the guy who has provided 14 people good paying jobs and serves over 2,200,000 people per year with a flourishing business? Or, the single mother sitting at home pregnant with her fourth child waiting for her next welfare check? Obviously, government feels the latter is the economic stimulus of this country.

The fact is, if I deducted (Read: Stole) 50% of your paycheck you'd quit and you wouldn't work here. I mean, why should you? That's nuts. Who wants to get rewarded only 50% of their hard work? Well, I agree which is why your job is in jeopardy.

Here is what many of you don't understand ... to stimulate the economy you need to stimulate what runs the economy. Had suddenly government mandated to me that I didn't need to pay taxes, guess what? Instead of depositing that $288,000 into th

A letter from the boss

Posted on Monday, January 19, 2009 9:35:25 AM by Las Vegas Ron

To All My Valued Employees,

There have been some rumblings around the office about the future of this company, and more specifically, your job. As you know, the economy has changed for the worse and presents many challenges. However, the good news is this: The economy doesn't pose a threat to your job. What does threaten your job however, is the changing political landscape in this country.

However, let me tell you some little tidbits of fact which might help you decide what is in your best interests.

First, while it is easy to spew rhetoric that casts employers against employees, you have to understand that for every business owner there is a back story. This back story is often neglected and overshadowed by what you see and hear. Sure, you see me park my Mercedes outside. You've seen my big home at last years Christmas party. I'm sure; all these flashy icons of luxury conjure up some idealized thoughts about my life.

However, what you don't see is the back story.

I started this company 28 years ago. At that time, I lived in a 300 square foot studio apartment for 3 years. My entire living apartment was converted into an office so I could put forth 100% effort into building a company, which by the way, would eventually employ you.

My diet consisted of Ramen Pride noodles because every dollar I spent went back into this company. I drove a rusty Toyota Corolla with a defective transmission. I didn't have time to date. Often times, I stayed home on weekends, while my friends went out drinking and partying. In fact, I was married to my business -- hard work, discipline, and sacrifice.

Meanwhile, my friends got jobs. They worked 40 hours a week and made a modest $50K a year and spent every dime they earned. They drove flashy cars and lived in expensive homes and wore fancy designer clothes. Instead of hitting the Nordstrom's for the latest hot fashion item, I was trolling through the Goodwill store extracting any clothing item that didn't look like it was birthed in the 70's. My friends refinanced their mortgages and lived a life of luxury. I, however, did not. I put my time, my money, and my life into a business with a vision that eventually, some day, I too, will be able to afford these luxuries my friends supposedly had.

So, while you physically arrive at the office at 9am, mentally check in at about noon, and then leave at 5pm, I don't. There is no "off" button for me. When you leave the office, you are done and you have a weekend all to yourself. I unfortunately do not have the freedom. I eat, and breathe this company every minute of the day. There is no rest. There is no weekend. There is no happy hour. Every day this business is attached to my hip like a 1 year old special-needs child. You, of course, only see the fruits of that garden -- the nice house, the Mercedes, the vacations... You never realize the back story and the sacrifices I've made.

Now, the economy is falling apart and I, the guy that made all the right decisions and saved his money, have to bail-out all the people who didn't. The people that overspent their paychecks suddenly feel entitled to the same luxuries that I earned and sacrificed a decade of my life for.

Yes, business ownership has is benefits but the price I've paid is steep and not without wounds.

Unfortunately, the cost of running this business, and employing you, is starting to eclipse the threshold of marginal benefit and let me tell you why:

I am being taxed to death and the government thinks I don't pay enough. I have state taxes. Federal taxes. Property taxes. Sales and use taxes. Payroll taxes. Workers compensation taxes. Unemployment taxes. Taxes on taxes. I have to hire a tax man to manage all these taxes and then guess what? I have to pay taxes for employing him. Government mandates and regulations and all the accounting that goes with it, now occupy most of my time. On Oct 15th, I wrote a check to the US Treasury for $288,000 for quarterly taxes. You know what my "stimulus" check was? Zero. Nada. Zilch.

The question I have is this: Who is stimulating the economy? Me, the guy who has provided 14 people good paying jobs and serves over 2,200,000 people per year with a flourishing business? Or, the single mother sitting at home pregnant with her fourth child waiting for her next welfare check? Obviously, government feels the latter is the economic stimulus of this country.

The fact is, if I deducted (Read: Stole) 50% of your paycheck you'd quit and you wouldn't work here. I mean, why should you? That's nuts. Who wants to get rewarded only 50% of their hard work? Well, I agree which is why your job is in jeopardy.

Here is what many of you don't understand ... to stimulate the economy you need to stimulate what runs the economy. Had suddenly government mandated to me that I didn't need to pay taxes, guess what? Instead of depositing that $288,000 into th

You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980s. Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan. There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from John McCain that the staff at the mental facility, treating Hinckley, reports to have intercepted this past weekend:

To: John Hinckley

From: John McCain

My wife and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a non partisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout.

Cindy and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best Wishes,

John and Cindy McCain

PS: While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado.

Just thought you should know.

Children in the front seat of a car can cause accidents.

Accidents in the back seat of a car can cause children.

If you believe that the quickest way to a man’s heart is thro his stomach,

Know that you are aiming a little too high!

Women are like swimming pools:

They cost a great deal to maintain,

Considering the time that you spend inside !

Some bosses are like clouds:

The minute they disappear, the day suddenly gets brighter !

To err is Human. To blame

Someone else for your problem is Strategic.

Men wouldn’t lie as much to the women in

Their life, If the women in their life didn’t ask

So many Questions !

Your future depends on your dreams.

Don’t waste any time, Go to bed NOW!