Bob the Boat

Hi,

I speak of nitrogen bubbles in the blood when rising too fast, without decompression stops.

I do have a BSAC ticket, and dived amongst the wonderous depths of the Gulf of Oman many times

Seems to us, that in the absence of a helicopter to get you to a barometric chamber, a simple alternative was used.

Chuck the sufferer back in, and lower spare tanks on a rope.

Take him back down to the depth he came from, then being ridden of the offending nitrogen, ascend in gradual normal fashion.

A painful procedure, but faced with no alternative, it is reported as working fine.

Why is this not in the manual ?

Bob

So the BBC inform us, some researchers, with nothing better to do, have concluded that cat-keepers tend to more intelligent.

General observation would show that this is utter nonsense.

Also, what is this reasoning that educated professional folks have less time to attend to the needs of a dog ?

In most cases, the reverse is true.

OK, this may sound a bit "trumpet-blowing", but I have an M.Sc. a tested IQ of 147, which is not brilliant, but perhaps above the norm

I cannot abide cats.

Self-centred, arrogant, low-intelligence, dis-obedient, messy, & largely useless.

Show me a shepherd using a cat.

It seems to me, and this will offend cat-lovers, it requires some intelligence to train a dog.

Any fool can have a cat wandering around.

Any notions ?

Hi,

I am invited to form part of a "guard of honour" at the weeding of a good freinds' son.

Fine, so we had a practice.

Our old RAF blues & all that.

The swords are borrowed, and so are we.

As none of us were really given any parade ground tuition as to this procedure, differences arose.

All technical, not ceremonial bods.

My understang is that the swords are 1st held at an angle downwards, then at a word from someone, raised upright smartly to your nose,then crossed with the chap opposite, right to right.

This is then returned to some angle groundwards, after the passing of the couple.

The rehearsal was a shambles, but if we practice along the lines above, are we doing it correctly ?

Any military parade specialist out there ?

Bob ( Ex Sqn.Ldr.)

Hi,

Seems to me that many peoples attitude to drinking tea is identical to a atrong addiction.

How often do you hear "gasping for a cuppa" and the resulting long "ahhhhh" on the first sip ?

This is not normal behaviour

I can take or leave it, and fair play to those that have a bit of what they fancy, but what is it with non-physically addictive leaves in water ?

Hi Folks,

In semi-retirement, I plan to restore an old Brit bike to the finest possible condition within my means.

I have a history of owning a sequence of a few fine machines many years ago, and despite ending up with Japanese jobs, my heart somewhat still lies in BSA, Triumph, Norton etc etc, and the challenge of stopping Royal Enfields from peeing out oil.

I have a small limited workshop, so would out-source any machined parts required.

No problem in stripping down to the last washer, and rebuilding.

A project for the summer, but who is best to contact regarding acquiring a complete or near complete item ?

The dream of finding a Vincent in a barn has evaporated !

Thanks,

Bob

Hi,

Well, he beggars beleif sometimes.

Harmless enough, but weird and fanciful in extremis.

Lives in some fantasy world, so difficult.

He is openly gay, having been exposed to the gay scene in London, where he had, very breifly, the only paid job of his life in a travel agents.

That is OK with me, but explain this type of behaviour if you can........

Can be seen in Sept / Oct wandering the feilds & pastures, in search of solice & psylocibin (magic mushrooms)

Grows cannabis in his greenhouse.

Has found his personal god, so tried to build some sort of perspex pyramid shrine in his back garden, that collapsed in a puff of wind the next day.

Couldn't change a light bulb.

I have apparantly put some sort of hex on him in his intellegent but unreal mind, in that I belong to a Gentlemans club called the Freemasons.

He stayed with us for a few weeks, and personal hygeine became an issue, plus he set fire to my conservatory. 999 job.

I don't think it is all mild drug use, just an incomprehensible state of mind.

His sister, the Mother of our children is a fine intelligent lass, and his Brother is a bit slow, but a hard-working family chap.

His parents are upstanding folks, so I am clueless as to why he is tha social embarrassment that he is.

Any ideas ?

Hi Folks,

I am stuck, recovering from a broken leg, so "confined to barracks" for a few weeks.

Bored witless.

I never realised that the 100 odd channels on TV are mainly crud, and repeticious.

You get fed up with practicing guitar, fed up with writing letters, fed up with computers etc etc.

I have a cheerful outlook on life, but counting the times that a particular winter bird goes out foraging is getting a bit soul-destroying.

How do I do a bit more to keep the brain going, whilst the leg is useless ?

Any ideas ?

Bob

Hi Folks,

I am recovering from a broken leg.

Completly my fault for riding a bike on an icy road.

I get calls saying that the council are at fault, and I should sue them.

Commission to the greedy beggars.

I see these folks saying " I was given the wrong type of ladder, and dislocated my shoulder,

I received £7000 in compensation"

Twit !

Why did you go up a dodgy ladder in the first place ?

Ambulance chasers everywhere.

A bloke was "visiting" folks in hospital, to see if a bit of money-grabbing was possible.

Any notions ?

Bob

Hi Folks,

I had the misfortune, due to my own stupidity, of going flying off my pushbike with a basket full of shopping, on an icy rural road on Christmas Eve.

Both major leg bones broken, plate & pins fitted New Years Eve, but now back home with a bottle of cherry brandy and Christmas cake.

What I wonder, although having been in the big pain & discomfort zone, others in the 4 bod ward were in a worse situation, and how do they mentally cope with it ?

Three blokes over 80, with busted hips / legs, all due to a fall on the ice, and by the sounds of it, not looking forwards to being home alone, despite fine NHS after-care.

So I count myself both unlucky in the 1st place, but lucky in the family support.

Any similar episodes this season ?

Bob

Hi,

Sorry animal lovers, but we have a National issue here with Grey squirrels.

They have decimated the native reds and not only is it legal to shoot them, it is encouraged by Government.

The local butcher will pay decent money for freshly shot ones, so folks must be using them in the kitchen.

Thing is, do I go for a simple casserole / stew, or a pie ?

Any ideas ?

Bob

Hi,

I am pretty much in Christmas mode, with all the twinkling lights, present & cards bought, but my Sister has gone and ruined it all.

Don't get me wrong, I still love her, but it was all arranged for the family to come to my place.

No, she wants to stay at home.

Her husband is an easily pleased bloke, her kids just largely do what they are told.

I know how fickle she can be, and is the type of strong character that has had about 50 different jobs, as she argues that black is white.

She is so strong minded that nothing is ever right

OK, I have informed her that I am not spending Christmas day at her place, but instead will don my dinner jacket, with red bow tie & silk handkerchief, and go to the local pub / restaurant emporium.

I have also invited my ex-wife and our two sons.

So na na ne na na.

But it still seems a bit "up yours, then"

Any notions ?

Bob

OK, I come up with daft ideas now and then, but does this one "take the biscuit"

During 2009, four of us man-handled an old upright piano into my boat.

It sits near the pot-belly stove, and is usually adorned with beer glasses.

This is silly, as the temperature changes has sent it madly out of tune.

The beers don't help either.

Would you attempt such a project, or are you rightly wiser than me ?

Bob

Hi Folks,

My immediatly previous Q relates to things that go wrong at weddings, so please continue with your tales of stuff that goes wrong at these occasions.

It is perhaps that we "celebrate" 25 years of an odd life together, very harmonious, but chaotic, living in the Mid-East, Northern Africa, UK, USA, so no real sense of what the heck we are doing sometimes.

Two kids, who are great, but too great sometimes also.

However, the wedding theme brings to mind that my Father-in-Law owes me about £1,500.

I thought that the Father of the bride payed for the wedding.

Not in my case.

He is a University lecturer, so extremely forgetful, so remiss as to not pay for things, so to avoid any embarrasment, I stumped up the cash to pay people.

Should I now go to him and say "Mike, remember our wedding ? you owe me £1,500"

Or is that a bit mean, as his daughter is still my best person on the planet.

Any thoughts ?

Bob

Hi,

I mean something daft at a wedding, as it always happens.

I had a daft one some 25 yrs ago, when the congragation went to the reception venue, in all the hired cars, so myself and bride caught a local bus.

I suppose that we can giggle now.

No, we giggled at that time as well.

Any similars ?

Bob

Hi,

I am no pyrotechnic, but know how to build toy rockets and bangers etc

I am informed that special branch may come around and ask questions if I go ahead with sulphur, magnesium, cobalt etc etc in the garage.

I personally see no harm, and they are safe, but could I fall foul of some legislation ?

Bob

Hi,

I make the effort, in that the bushes oustide the house have three sets of twinklind light, the boat is festooned along the roof.

BUT, some go totally overboard with Santas, bells, and dear knows what.

If the truth be told, Jesus was born in late March, it is just that they fiddled with the Gregorian calender.

Anyway, do you bung up extra bonny lights or not ?

Oh dear, I may set the cat amongst the pigeons here a bit, but we all like a target for a whinge now and then, don't we ?

An easy one to aim at is supermarkets.

For example, I hear TV adverts trying to tell me that the Co-Op has won some award for being the best fish & meat place.

Er, I beg to differ.

Our local 9 check-out whizzy one has no fresh fish, just frozen items.

The bacon & sausages are acceptable, but a chilled roasting joint is as tough as old boots.

It is hopeless, so I go to the local fishmonger and butcher.

Plus, a Tesco in a nearby town sold me a dud mobile 'phone, and told me, in effect, to go to Japan if I had a complaint.

Charming.

What is the worst example you have in your neck of the woods ?

You, no, not you, but "old know all" hasn't got a grip on reality

I have splendid answers to Q's, & do my best to give advice in A's when I am sure of the answer.

The likes of "old know all" get on my wick, & I suspect yours as well

I wish fools without any sound knowledge would simply leave their finger out of the pie sometimes

Any notions, am I being a tad pompous, or is it a true observation ?

Hi,

Over many a year, I have noticed that I am fully active in summer, but tend towards naps when it is coldish

Are we all a bit like this, or is it just me ?

Hi Folks,

I am not being morbid, but we all must go eventually

My Dad has "Oh well, that was fun"

My Grandmother has "what was that"

I come from a humourous family, and that is what they wrote down, to be remembered by

We are not flippant, but sensible enough to realise that life can be short, so why not leave a lasting reminder of what you were like ?

I have in my will that I want "harmless twit"

Perhaps in many years to come, folks may look upon my resting place and say "that's about right"

What would be yours ?

(And sorry if this causes any upset to the recently bereived)

Bob on his silly boat