war1776

Three Lieutenants were in the field when they ran into a raging river. While they tried to come up with a way to cross, one Lt dropped to his knees and began praying.

"Lord," he said, "give me the strength to cross this river." Suddenly, he became extremely strong and began swimming across the river, but the current was to strong and he soon lost all energy and was carried away down river.

The next Lt began praying as well. "God, make me fat so I can float across without using so much useless energy." Imediately he became overweight and jumped in. For a while he floated in the river and nearly made it, but again the current swept him away down river as well.

Finally, the last Lt called out to God, "Father, make me smart enough to overcome this mighty river."

Instantly he became an NCO. He pulled out his map and compass, studied it for a while, and walked three minutes north up river and crossed the bridge.

This is Gracie/Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. I love this martial art. I was taught it in the Army, and I fell in love with its effectiveness. What do you think?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ciYtazMQE4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JjK0g-cDJI4&feature...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GFCwdBEOS1Q&feature...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W-SltgKQHDU&feature...

I want to know how many of you are going to see the new documentary Expelled: No Intellegence Allowed. I am.

I know this makes me out to look like a geek, but I grew up on the Showa series of Godzilla. In my book, these are the ONLY Godzilla movies worth watching. Aside from Godzila 1985, all other Japanese made Godzilla movies are a joke. But I know others would disagree. So I am taking a poll.

Which Godzilla series do YOU like the best?

Showa series

Heisei series

or

Millienium series

A manager at a local grocery store overheard a man bragging to his buddy about how he has been stealing from the store every time he visits. The manager was astonished. But rather than confront the man and risk the man to deny what he said, the manager decided to watch him the next time the man visited the store.

Since the alleged thief was a frequent customer, the manager needed only to wait a short while. Soon the man came in. The manager followed him.

But the manager did not see the man take anything. In fact, the man paid for everything and even let an associate help him out.

But the manager decided to watch him one more time. The next day, the man came in to get a few quick items. Yet, again, the manager watched as he paid for everything.

Finally, the manager went up to the man and asked, "Sir, I overheard you the other day saying you stole from this store every day, yet I've watched you and you have paid for everything. What is it that you've been stealing?"

The man smiled and replied, “Shopping carts.”

A United States soldier was attending some college classes between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU. This particular professor took great pleasure in ranting to his students about the non-existence of God more than covering the subject matter of his class.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, “God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I’ll give you exactly 15 minutes.” The lecture room fell silent….so quiet you could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, “Here I am God. I’m still waiting.” It got down to the lat couple of minutes when the soldier got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-****** him knocking him off the platform.

The professor was out cold. The soldier went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the soldier and asked, “What is the matter with you? Why did you do that?”

The soldier calmly replied, “God was too busy today protecting America’s soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like a nut. So, He sent me.”

A United States soldier was attending some college classes between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU. This particular professor took great pleasure in ranting to his students about the non-existence of God more than covering the subject matter of his class.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, “God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I’ll give you exactly 15 minutes.” The lecture room fell silent….so quiet you could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, “Here I am God. I’m still waiting.” It got down to the lat couple of minutes when the soldier got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-****** him knocking him off the platform.

The professor was out cold. The soldier went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the soldier and asked, “What is the matter with you? Why did you do that?”

The soldier calmly replied, “God was too busy today protecting America’s soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like a nut. So, He sent me.”

In the beginning when God created all things, he saw that it was good. But Adam, the first man on earth, saw that God had not created him a mate as God did with the other animals. So Adam asked God to make him one.

God said, “Of course. I’ve been working on the perfect mate for you. She will love you, support you, help you through life, and even take care of your children. When you need someone to talk to, she will be there to comfort you. She will cook for you, clean your home, and satisfy your every need. In a nut shell, she will be your perfect equal.”

Adam was overjoyed at this news. But then he began to think, and finally asked God, “Um, I can’t help but wonder. What will this cost me?”

The Lord said, “An arm and a leg.”

Adam thought for a moment or two then replied, “What can I get for a rib?”

I do. Who else does?

If you believe that God does not exist, then why does it bother you when people do. Is it really so horrible that a man would believe in God and it gets him through the day. Why is he considered a poor ignorant person when, in his mind, he has a more fulfilled life because of God. Is this a bad thing. Aren't we all searching for happiness. Why must that happiness be seperate from a belief in God.

Many atheists don't believe in God, and they are happy. Why can't Christians be looked at the same way?

Army General, Air Force General, Marine General, and a Navy Admiral were standing in front of a rappelling tower. The Air Force General says to the others, "My men are the most courageous of the Armed Forces."

"Ha!" said Navy, "My men are the most courageous and I'll prove it."

The Navy Admiral calls a Sailor over from the tower. He tells the seaman, "I want you to jump off that tower - no rope, no parachute."

"Yes, Sir!!!" the seaman yells and proceeds to climb the tower. He walks to the edge, yells "Hooyah!" and jumps off the tower. He is killed instantly upon impact.

"That's nothing," the Air Force General said, bored. He calls a Senior Airman over. "Son, I want you to jump off that tower - no rope, no parachute and I want you to do it with style."

"Yes, Sir!!!" the Senior Airman yells. He climbs to the top of the tower, walks to the edge and jumps. He executes a swan dive that would make Greg Louganis proud, hits the ground and dies on impact.

"Hmmph," the Marine growled. "Ya'll obviously forget the Marine Corps were here," he said (yelling "Marine Corps!" as all Marines tend to do.)

He calls a Lance Corporal over. "Marine, I want you to jump off that tower and make the Corps proud!"

The Corporal yells, "Ooh-rah!", by way of response and runs to the tower. He grabs an M-60 and ammunition belt on the way and wraps the belt around himself in the Pancho Villa style. He climbs the tower and walks to the edge. Upon reaching the edge, he throws two grenades into the air, yells "Semper Fi Do or Die!" and jumps off. He starts shooting the M-60 in mid-air, clipping treetops and yelling the entire way down. His impact is obscured by the two exploding grenades. When the smoke clears, only little pieces of the Marine are left.

The others are impressed and nod their heads in admiration. Then the Army General says, "That's nothing." The others turn to face the General, their faces in disbelief. The General calls a Private over who was cleaning latrines. "Son, I want you to jump off that tower- no rope, no parachute."

The Private looks the General in the face and says, "Screw you! You kiss my *** first!" and walks off.

The Army General turns to the others and says, "Now THAT'S courage!"

A Captain in the Army was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy

looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, they just use the camel." The Captain, somewhat disturbed, said "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

A man is ship wrecked on an island, and all that is left of the cruise ship he was on is little debris and a dog he managed to save. During his first days on the island, the man tried to signal for help, to no avail. Seeing that there are no other islands or boats for miles, he decides to explore the island to see if perhaps there are indigenous tribes on the island to help him. Alas, all that is on the island are a few exotic birds and a flock of wild sheep.

Dismayed, the man and the dog try to make do and survive on the island. But after a few months, boredom sets in. The man becomes sexually stimulated by the thought of his wife, but becomes very tired of using his palm. Soon, he decides to try something else to satisfy him. Then he remembered the sheep.

He figured since there is no one around and he had nothing else better to do, he would try doing a sheep. After all, he had read of people screwing sheep and other animals, and it seemed interesting enough. So off he went in search of the sheep.

At last he found them; he yanked out his junk and began banging one of the unsuspecting sheep. But, as soon as he started, the dog he saved began attacking his leg and pulling him away from the sheep. The man shooed the dog away and continued his business with the sheep. Again the dog attacked him. Annoyed, the man decided to stop and goes back to his little “home”.

The next morning, however, he decides t o try again on the sheep. This time he leashes the dog to a tree. After finding the sheep again, he begins as he did the day prior. But as before, the dog comes out of no where and attacks him. The man, angry that the dog got out of the leash, kicks the dog and continues to bang the sheep. Yet, again, the dog attacks him.

Frustrated, the man decides to explore the island a little more. After a few minutes, he comes upon a cave. He enters the cave and finds a lamp. Rubbing the lamp, a gorgeous genie appears. She is so beautiful that she would weaken the knees of even the strongest man. She was a dream come true. “I will grant your every desire,” says the genie seductively. The man looks at her and says, “Watch the dog.”

My wife likes to try new recipes every week. Well one week I came home and she wanted me to try her freshly cooked pumpkin pie. I told her I wasn't really hungry, but she insisted. So reluctantly I decided to try some.

I can't really say it tasted bad, but after about the 4th glass I was getting anoyed.

This is NOT a true story, only a joke

A highway patrolman was watching the road for speeders when he noticed a car going 32 miles an hour. Since the minimum speed for the Highway was 40 mph, he decided to pull the car over.

Once the car was pulled over, the patrolman got out of his car and walked toward the vehicle. As he neared, he noticed the driver and passengers were elderly women.

"Do you know you were going 32 mph?"

The elderly driver said, "Yes, I was going the speed limit."

"Ma'am," the patrolman continued, "You were going 38 mph under the limit".

"No, sir," the lady responded,"I was going 32 mph, exactly the speed limit."

Suddenly the patrolman realized the issue. "Ma'am, 32 is the highway number. Interstate 32." Embarrased the elderly woman simply nodded and said,"Oh."

Seeing that the problem was only a misunderstanding, the patrolman began to leave, but then noticed the passengers in the back were a little flustered. “Excuse me,” he asked, “Are the ladies in the back alright? They seem to be a little flustered.”

“Oh, they’re fine,” the lady said, “We just got off of I-120.”

I walked into a Blimpie's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a

sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard

that said "buy one-get one free". "They're already buy-one-get-one-free",

she said, "So I guess they're both free". She handed me my free sandwiches

and I walked out the door. They walk among us and many work retail.

A friend of mine bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old

fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to

good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there

without even one person looking twice at it. My friend decided that people

were too untrusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he

changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole

it. They walk among us.

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them

shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said,

"Where?" They walk among us!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a

call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I

told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He

responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"

Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific." They Walk Among Us!

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we

overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she

got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but

"didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving." They Walk

Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a

seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. They Walk Among

Us!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were

discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier

multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount. They Walk Among Us!

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring

attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip

out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and

ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.

They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to

the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed

up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained

professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane

arrived yet?" They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small

pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like

it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before

responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to

eat 6 pieces." Yep, They Walk Among Us!

They walk among us, AND they reproduce!

What does the name WALL-E stand for?

Why do atheists/evolutionists say that Christians are ignorant? Do we not attend the same schools, have the same teachers, read the same textbooks? Do we not live on the same earth, observe the same scientific facts? Why is it when Christians come to a different conclusion about the origin of man, and ultimately the universe, we are suddenly ignorant. I admit I am not a professor of science, but neither is every atheist/evolutionist. I understand the viewpoint of evolutionary science, I was taught it in high school and currently college, yet I still am not convinced. It still makes more sense to believe that the universe was designed by a Creator than it is to believe that the thin airless nothing of the universe suddenly became something and 'POOF', stars, planets, earth, animals, man, and everything in between was its aftermath. This I cannot swallow. I am not ignorant, I just call them as I see them.

These are my thoughts....

Atheism is so senseless & odious to mankind that it never had many professors. Can it be by accident that all birds beasts & men have their right side & left side alike shaped (except in their bowells) & just two eyes & no more on either side the face & just two ears on either side the head & a nose with two holes & no more between the eyes & one mouth under the nose & either two fore leggs or two wings or two arms on the sholders & two leggs on the hipps one on either side & no more? Whence arises this uniformity in all their outward shapes but from the counsel & contrivance of an Author? Whence is it that the eyes of all sorts of living creatures are transparent to the very bottom & the only transparent members in the body, having on the outside an hard transparent skin, & within transparent juyces with a crystalline Lens in the middle & a pupil before the Lens all of them so truly shaped & fitted for vision, that no Artist can mend them? Did blind chance know that there was light & what was its refraction & fit the eys of all creatures after the most curious manner to make use of it? These & such like considerations always have & ever will prevail with man kind to beleive that there is a being who made all things & has all things in his power & who is therfore to be feared.

Atheism is so senseless & odious to mankind that it never had many professors. Can it be by accident that all birds beasts & men have their right side & left side alike shaped (except in their bowells) & just two eyes & no more on either side the face & just two ears on either side the head & a nose with two holes & no more between the eyes & one mouth under the nose & either two fore leggs or two wings or two arms on the sholders & two leggs on the hipps one on either side & no more? Whence arises this uniformity in all their outward shapes but from the counsel & contrivance of an Author? Whence is it that the eyes of all sorts of living creatures are transparent to the very bottom & the only transparent members in the body, having on the outside an hard transparent skin, & within transparent juyces with a crystalline Lens in the middle & a pupil before the Lens all of them so truly shaped & fitted for vision, that no Artist can mend them? Did blind chance know that there was light & what was its refraction & fit the eys of all creatures after the most curious manner to make use of it? These & such like considerations always have & ever will prevail with man kind to beleive that there is a being who made all things & has all things in his power & who is therfore to be feared.