Tracey

I had an EA and have asked a bunch of question on it. I keep going back and forth as things had somewhat escalated again and I had hope that my EA wanted to be with me. I finally got him to admit that while he loves me, he cannot "destroy his family" so he will NEVER be with me. So it is finally totally over.

But I admit I am heartbroken. We were wrong - believe me, I KNOW it. But I do love him - I fell in love with him. We talked a future and kids and a life together. It was a lie for him, but not for me. Anyway, what do I do to heal and move on? Please know I am trying with my husband - we are in counseling - but he does not know of the affair. The EA - strictly emotional - was a symptom of a marriage that was bad for a long, long time. It took me trying to kick him out for him to finally go to counseling after my begging for over two years...

Yeah so it is over and I know it but I don't understand how he can still insist he loves me and always will but he cannot destroy his family...I mean I get it logically about not leaving his family. I just wish he knew that before he pursued me and I fell in love with him....

I made a huge mistake and sought advice here. I got some tough love but I deserved it. I had an EA and somehow believed him that he loved me and wanted to be with me, that if I loved him enough he would be mine (we are both married). Today I confronted him - 3 months after it "ended" when he still was telling me he loves me, I am beautiful etc. - and he said he will never be with me. I am sad but also, I am glad I know now and can move on...thanks to those who told me I was wrong, that I deserved more and needed to move forward for my sake, my child, for his wife and my husband.

I had an EA with a married coworker. He has loved me for over two years (he told me) and I am in love with him. We never acted physically on our feelings.

His wife found out and we ended it - I thought - but now over the last 3-4 weeks I know we are back where we were - he tells me he loves me, we are back talking and he told me I am beautiful. I have never ever felt this way about anyone - I know this is real for both of us.

My marriage was bad for years and abusive (he to me) verbally and other ways I don't want to ellaboratr on...I am leaving him next year - I am planning.

I don't expect him to leave his wife. In fact I have told him we would never work if he did not know he left her for the right reasons...

I guess I am just asking is it ever love even when it is wrong??

So I had a brief EA. It ended when his wife found out. This was 9 weeks ago. We work together. I am in counseling and in marriage counseling - my husband does not know about my EA. He is in counseling with his wife now as well since the EA came to light.

Well, the EA guy has cracked a bit of late. He basically told me he still loves me and misses me. He has opened up to me again - tells me quite a bit again like he used to. I am keeping distance....I know we cannot be, at least not now. But I still love him and probably always will and he me as well.

I guess I have some closure at least knowing he still loves me. And you don't need to beat me up - I feel horribly guilty and I know that I made a huge mistake getting involved with him.

So I am trying with my husband but I feel completely empty. I don't know what to do. Am I staying because it is comfortable? How do you know when it is over? We have a child and we both love her very much. But there has been a lot of verbal abuse and a lot of damage done.

How did you know it was over or how did you still try when things were horribly bad for years?

So it has been two months and getting over EA - we work together and it has been hard but I am working towards moving past it to just work and focus on fixing my marriage.

But I admit, I love this guy and he had said he loved me.

Today I thanked him for his opinion on something over IM and said I always respect his opinion and that has not changed so I appreciated it, and he said:

"thanks, a lot more than that has not changed, if that means anything"

Does this mean his feelings?

I don't get it? I had an EA and I own it - HUGE mistake. I am trying to get past it with counseling alone and with my husband. So, question:

The guy I had the EA with is married too. He posted on FB - "Happy 6th anniversary Honey - you are amazingly wonderful and the best momma" to his wife.....meanwhile 3 days later, he heard me crying (we work together) - yes over him - and followed me downstairs and hugged me and walked me to my car, and hugged me and told me his missed me. WTF? I want to hate him but I can't.

Look I made a mistake but I was - hell am - in love with him. And he told me he loved me for two years...I just don't get it and feel like the wound has opened right back up again. I hate being so weak and missing him....How can he just....go on? Why is it so hard for me and seemilgly so easy for him...?

I know I was wrong and I am trying to do the right thing - please just give me some support right now. I had an EA with a co-worker. It is over and I know it is for the best. We are both married. I know I made a huge mistake. I am working on my marriage, I really am. But I begged for years for him to get help - counseling - with me and he only agreed recently when I told him I wanted to separate.

Anyway my EA and I work together and were doing well at just being professional - his wife had found out and told him for him to be with her, there is no me, and I accept that. I know we were wrong and I want him to be happy and if being happy is being with his wife than so be it. I know we were wrong but he initiated things with me and I was in a bad place and I made a BIG mistake, I know.

I made a comment I should not have- personal but not in anyway insinuating anything to him, He said, please stop, we just need to be professional. I know he is right but it just....I lost it, I started to cry at my desk. I could not help it. I miss his friendship so much and am so sorry for what we did.

We lost our friendship because of it. So I silently (I thought) cred when he appeared at my desk. He looked at me and said, he could hear me. Then he said deep down, I do care and I am so, so sorry. And he just kept apologizing and saying he was sorry. I just said I know. It was like 6 weeks ago when it ended and my heart broke - same feeling again when I have been trying to be strong.

So I packed up soon after and left. I got in the elevator and sobbed alone and just wished he was there...and I got off the elevator and he was waiting. He had run donwstairs when he saw me leave. He just hugged me and said he was sorry.

He walked me to my car and I just cried. He hugged me again and I felt the feeling I always felt when he held me - like it was exactly where I belonged. I know it is wrong I know it is - please know that. And I am trying to be kind to him and he to me. I just cannot help it...

I said I missed him and he said he missed me too - and I sent him back to the office before it got worse...I just want it to stop and it is so hard. Neither one of us can leave work right now though he said he will in the new year.

My heart is breaking. I loved him - it was wrong and bad timing and we should have been smarter but it was real for me. It was a mistake and I know it, and I am so sorry for hurting his wife and him. I just need to know, how do I get over this broekn heart so I can move forward? I want to be a good person and i want to try with my husband and I never, ever thought something like this would happen in my life...

Is anyone out there separated but under the same roof? I told my husband I wanted to separate and it finally got him into counseling with me which is good (I had been begging for YEARS). But for me, the separation part still stands even though we are in counseling. However he is still trying to be physically intimate which upsets me - I want to work on us without that being a factor. In his defense we were sleeping in separate areas but I felt badly he was on couch. So we fell back in the habit of sleeping in the bedroom but I have not initiated anything physical with him and have repeatedly told him I don't want that right now. He waits until I am half asleep and then tries...

Should I clean out and move into our guest room? Should I mention it to the counselor? I want my husband to respect the boundaries I need right now.

As background, he would initiate and then get angry if I said I was not interested in being intimate and sometimes I would say no but give in to avoid the anger - not good....

I am trying to make things work - please believe me. Please don't beat me up - I am giving it time and a lot of effort in counseling with my husband. But I also have to be smart since I have a child - so I also think about if I need to go to a lawyer and money, what is best for my child to keep her happy and healthy while my husband and I struggle.

On a personal note, I am afraid - I don't want to stay just because I am afraid of being alone or because it has been 10 years and we have a certain lifestyle, family events and friends etc. But it is hard because I do love my husband's family and friends - living a tight life money-wise as long as I can provide for my child is fine. I guess I just wonder, how do you survive that loss - of family and friends of your spouse - along with the loss of the marriage? And how do you move on and is there hope for love again later?

Can folks who have been there and made it through help me out with some comments?

I had an EA - I am married and so is he - he initiated the affair when he told me he had fallen in love with me. It ended a few weeks ago and I am really, really trying to get past it, but we work together. So today I IM'd him by mistake - I had 5 windows open - and he said, "you just wanted an excuse to IM me" and I said, no not really. And then I just...lost it. I told him I feel dead inside - he had told me he loved me and wanted to be with me. He said he is so sorry and the throught he damaged me makes him ill (how the EA ended was his wife confronting him and he told her). He chose her and their kids. I told him the truth - that he destroyed me. He said he knows and sees I am trying to hold it together but I cannot hide it when I am near him. I was trying so hard to be strong but I feel sick and depressed and so angry. Angry at him at myself for believing in him and what he said and for hurting others (she knows obviously, my husband does not). I told him that I know he will make excuses and lesson/cheapen the EA to move on/get through it with his wife and he got angry and said I have no idea how he feels. What do you think he meant? I don't hold any hope of being with him but I guess it helps me move on if I know I am not the only one hurting...do you think he feel anything or was it all a lie?

So I am trying to work through things with my husband but things have been really bad for a while. I am giving it until next April to decide what to do - we have a big family trip planned but also our counselor recommended that we just go with things and not put a timeframe on things. So I figured at least giving it 8-9 months is fair and I am trying not to think of ending things or anything until then.

At the same time, friends who know we are having a hard time have recommended that I try and think about what I would need to do in the event we DO get divorced. And I am not sure where to start.

I can get more involved in the finances - and in fact the counselor said I should - what else should I do to protect myself and my child in the event we split up?

Again I DO want to give my marriage a shot and I plan on having a positive attitude to do this but I also want to be smart about things....

Which is worse - I had an EA with a co-worker. His wife found out and said she wished we had just had sex and been done with it. I know he is downplaying it to her to save his own skin - for example he told me he won't tell her he told me daily he loved me.

But anyway, I think it is worse we did not have sex - it was actually a romantic/emotional affair. He told me he loved me for over two years before telling me. He said if he had just wanted a physical relationship he would have pursued that.

I wonder - which is worse? I think he actually thinks because it was not physical he can "write it off" as not really cheating.

I am trying to work through marriage issues with my husband - it has been a tough 4 years or so - has anyone made it through a lot of problems - in my case it is verbal abuse and generally his not being a happy person, he is somewhat OCD and controlling and money issues. I am FAR from perfect but I tried for a long time and he did not. Now he is because I wanted to kick him out.

So we are and I am glad we are trying but I still feel....numb inside. It is very hard to think I can ever be happy with him again.

Can anyone tell me who made it through, how you think you did it and ended up okay when you stayed together?

I have received some great feedback from folks and wanted to ask those who made it through a tough time in marriage, how? Or if not, why?

My husband and I are having a bad, bad time. It has been 4 years of mostly bad out of 9 years of marriage, except for our wonderful child who is almost 6. She is the light that keeps me going.

We are in counseling and I am also going for myself. I am questioning everything trying to think on things and give it time, and I wonder if we can get through this. Is it counseling? Time? Both? How do you know the changes you make to make the marriage better really stick long term? My husband has been on his best behavior the last month but I don't trust it will last,,,,

How hard is it to find love in your early 40s -I am trying to work on my marriage but don't want to stay out of fear of being alone - u honestly don't know what I will do - trying to give it time. But wanted to ask folks if it is possible to find love in early 40s?? What are your experiences? Thanks.

My husband and I are in marriage counseling and trying to make it work. There has been a lot of verbal abuse from him though to his credit since I said I wanted to separate, he has stepped up and is trying. We both are but I have to say that I am having a hard time and not sure we're going to make it.

So when I think about my future I am not sure what will happen.

For those divorced, what have you learned and found to actually be a positive about it? Did you fall in love again? Are you able to be amicable with your ex? How are the kids adjusting?

I need some advice. I have been married for almost 9 years and have a child. For years I begged my husband to get help with me/go to counseling and he would not. I am FAR from perfect but he more often than not was always tired/angry and taking it out verbally on me and our child. I finally had enough and told him I wanted to separate. NOW he wants to work on things and we are, but I feel dead inside. He said he knows he has issues with anger and is now on "his best behavior".

When do you know enough is enough? I am trying to think things through, we are going to counseling, I am praying on it....I know I should give it time.

But there has been SO much bad that it is hard to even think it could be good again, and a healthy relationship for my daughter to see.

I am in counseling myself and that therapist thinks I am so beat down emotionally and have no self esteem and that is why I feel so hopeless on it too.

Is there some kind of "a-ha" moment where you just know which path to take? Stay together or break-up?

I had an EA - he is married and I am married. Plese don't judge - we obviously both made a mistake and sought out each other because we were missing things in our own marriages. He said he loved me for two years before he even told me - we work together.

How do I get over him? For a few short months I got to hear what I never hear at home - that I am beautiful, he loved me, he wanted to be with me. Then his wife found out and he chose her and their kids.

I get it and I cannot say I don't deserve it but I am trying to move on, for my sake, and my daughter But yeah I believed him and just when I think I am getting over it, something triggers the heart break all over again - it is hard since we work together. Tonight it was him saying they are doing "really well" in counseling - I do want him to be happy but yeah, it still sucked to hear that because I know still wanted him to choose me.

I am in counseling and also doing marriage counseling - but yeah I find myself depressed and going through the motions and missing him and crying.

How do I get over this? I know time will help but advice for the short term would be appreciated. And please know I know I was wrong - no excuses. I am trying to lead a better life.

I have made a lot of mistakes. I had an EA and am working on things with husband after it ended - his wife found out so EA over. I also was dumped by a friend - someone I thought was a good friend - because she said I am too much "drama" - meanwhile I helped her through her marital issues 6 months ago. I feel like crap and maybe I deserve to - but I am going to counseling and trying to be strong for my daughter. But I find it hard to even get out of bed and function now - what should I do?